Lost identity since becoming a mum….my boyfriend has left me

Ugh. Where do I start! First of all let me send you a big virtual hug 🤗 (I'm guessing you need one!)

This is NOT your fault.
Let me say that first and honestly try to appreciate that even if you feel it isn't the case.

You have 2 children and along with everything that 2 people will have to manage and organise and deal with living together like relatives, work, finance, friendships, the household (tidying, chores, rent etc), you then have your relationship and then comes 1 baby and the tasks that come along with that baby and the responsibility and the worries and then you have another baby that comes along all before the supposed age of brain maturity according to many professionals of 25 - so at 23 you are both still very young (whatever people might say to you).

You are doing brilliantly because :

- You have kept yourself alive until this day
- You have kept up your end of a relationship the only way you knew how to
- You have kept 2 children alive
- You have kept a household in order
That is no mean feat!

When you say you are not the fun bubbly person you were anymore, many Mums feel like that after children. Particularly at your age where you may have a lot of friends who still haven't become parents that don't understand that you can't come out all the time (and might not want to) - that's just the culture in the UK - it might be the norm but it doesn't mean you need to give it any of your energy.

You might find it helpful to sit down and write it all down to try and get to the bottom of things/why you might feel this way.

Ask yourself, do you feel depressed? Did you feel that way on your own regardless of your boyfriend? Has he been good to you?
Do you enjoy motherhood?
Was it too much too soon for the two of you?
Did you both have your 'fun' (not affairs!) some like to call it before a relationship and before raising children?
Would you feel the same way about everything if he hadn't left or was this the last straw?

Try to think now :

How do I feel?

(Angry/sad/frustrated/alone)

Get all of those out in a safe way by either writing everything down (you might get some big lettered angry pages out first until you calm down again) or taking a walk and thinking, punch a pillow, do a crazy workout/danceathon - get all the energy out - it will take a week maybe more but probably a week with intense emotions. Beyond that don't let the anger remain (if there is any) otherwise it will eat you up and any time where you feel you want to cry, let yourself but make sure you tell yourself you are ok and just need to get it all out. Always keep in mind an activity you will do (for you or with the kids) that you will do once you've wiped your eyes and washed your face.

Let somebody know how you're doing so they can check in or go to a GP if you want to (sounds big but they'll only want to help and it's another friendly face/ear)

Google exactly what you said you were feeling - lost identity since becoming a Mum. It will be there

as many others feel that way...

Also look up

- Confidence/self esteem boosters
- It's not you, it's me (as he might have looked at his age, seen what his friends were doing or found this all a bit hard and decided to run instead of staying)
- Ways to destress
- Self care tips
- Free fun activities to do with kids

Lastly, (you can always message me)

You don't need to be making up to him as you've done nothing wrong.

It's never too late to work on yourself but you couldn't have done it earlier. You doing it now means you felt safe to now, you felt brave to now, you were in the right head space now.

You 'working on you again' isn't reliant on him being there or not - you need you and that's all that matters - regardless of what happens next.

Therefore "How do I put things right?" is redundant. You can only do you. Us Mums, us women have been led to believe that it is always on us to fix everything, iron the creases out in the world but not every battle is yours (he has his own internal one) and not

every hole in the fabric is one to sew up and present to the world as if it was never torn!

It will be hard for now, you will need space apart but see it as what you need to for "me" not "us" and that way you can't make a wrong move.

Whether he comes back is neither here nor there. Since you were together very young it may mean you have grown apart or he needs to work on some stuff or a bit of both.

In any case, bringing him back home now will not do either of you any good and especially not the kids.

Let some time go by and trust me although you won't feel it right now, time won't hurt. If time going by ends up with the two of you further apart it means that's what was supposed to happen, we can't change anything, only ourselves and our behaviour/actions/points of view.

Take care xx