Walked in on my partner pleasuring himself and now feel inadequate

For the entirety of our relationship my husband hasn’t been the most sexual person alive. He’s never had a huge appetite for sex and it’s been a reoccurring problem in our relationship. I’m pretty much the only one that ever really initiates and this dynamic has definitely got under my skin - it makes me feel like he’s not attracted to me, I’m not good in bed, I’m not enough, and even that I’m “begging” for sex. I’ve expressed this countless times. I’ve also tried to create a safe space for my husband to talk about sex, his desires, turn ons, etc. I’ve tried wearing lingerie, I’ve tried asking him what kind of porn he likes, does he have any fantasies and he’s always just answered “I’m content” “I don’t really want anything different” “I hardly even watch porn or jerk off.” I’ve tried to accept this the best I can, but I just want to have the best intimate relationship with my husband as possible. I will say our sex life did ramp up quite a bit when I was pregnant. We were intimate almost daily, even toward the end - I was still the primary initiator but he seemed much more receptive. Fast forward to the other day, we are getting ready for a family outing (taking our 5mo old to go apple picking) and my husband goes up to shower. I wanted to do my hair so I ran upstairs to quickly grab my curling iron and I walk in on him pleasuring himself to p*rn. I was kind of gobsmacked. I was really upset and was asking him what he was watching and when did this start (considering I’ve asked him 100x if he’s interested in watching adult content, even with me). He said that it was no big deal and that he just got the urge and “it’s no different than when he grabs a snack when he’s hungry.” I guess I just feel a little… lied to? Like this is the man that claims to have minimal sexual desires yet he’s masturbating at 11am before we take our son apple picking? After talking it though, he said the reason he started doing it was to try to get his libido up. I also realized our sex life declined after having our son (we are now intimate 1-2x a week). He does initiate now more than he ever has but again, we have a 5mo old, sleep is limited and I just figured we were both gassed. But during this talk he said he pleasures himself 2-3x a week and I guess it just hit me that he’s watching p*rn more than he is intimate with me. I’ve been really insecure already about my postpartum body and was just starting to get a little confidence back, but after finding this out, I feel gross and embarrassed. I’m never going to compete with the women in the videos in my current shape and the fact that he’s seeing more of them than he is of me just makes me feel so insecure. I don’t know how I’m ever going to build back up my confidence. I feel so gross. I don’t want to even get undressed in front of him anymore. I just feel like I’m living a cosmic joke. When I had abs it felt like I was pulling teeth for intimacy and now that I have lose skin and stretch marks my husband is exploring his sexuality.

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Youre coming down super hard on yourself. You said you had sex almost daily when pregnant and 1-2x a week post partem, these numbers are healthy to me. If you said you has sex 1-2x month Id be concerned but if you consistently have sex every single week Id cut him some slack on this.

it sounds like he’s trying to work on it. Yes you are 5 months postpartum and it will take time for you to feel confident but him masturbating is not about you. Sometimes it is just quicker , I watch porn sometimes too and it doesn’t mean I don’t find my partner attractive. Sounds like you feel down about yourself and not as confident so maybe you can work on that, but I wouldn’t worry about him masturbating, it is perfectly normal. But then again I personally don’t mind porn I know not everyone is like that. I do empathise because my partner also has lower libido than me but I have been building my confidence up and it seems to help. Most of the time it’s not about the body, it’s how you feel :) you can be curvy and sexy

After walking in on him, I would take the lack of intimacy from his side as he masturbates regularly. So I'd be pissed off and feel lied to aswell, considering you've asked multiple times if he watches porn and what porn it is so why does he need to lie?! Don't get me wrong, I don't see a problem with masturbation. However, I don't understand the need for porn ever. I think it's disgusting. But that's just my opinion on porn. I don't understand why so many men watch it whilst lying to their partners about it. It's disrespectful.

the porn is the issue all around. it will actually ruin your libido, makes you sneaky, withdrawn from life and relationships. me and my bf have a no porn/ solo masturbation rule and it works wonders for us. people have talked crap on the boundaries me and my bf have but no matter who you are you need to have boundaries. i’d honestly switch up the role. let him catch you and stop initiating, and when he catches you don’t let him join in. see how it makes him feel

I can’t really say much in the matter considering my sex life is practically none existent since having our son we’re lucky to even get the time off day to do anything like that anymore so it’s a 1-2 times a month or even every 2 months or so… we still love each other, my partner has always been into porn and a lot off men who are friends off mine have all said men get urges daily and have to deal with that, and I used to question it and get upset and sometimes I still do but there isn’t any time we can have alone with a 1 year old running round us all the time never giving us a minute alone… so if I was you count yourself lucky your still getting a bit weekly 🤣 but honestly don’t over do yourself with this as to me it seems like this is a completely normal relationship xxx

I'm not going to lie I didn't read it all because upon reading just a little I knew that pornography was involved. Porn destroys relationships and takes away the intimacy in a marriage that belongs between the two of you. Porn has probably been the problem all along. It's demonic and I really hope he can admit he has a problem but I want you to know and begin believing that this is not your fault. He has a deep rooted sin problem and it's destroying him and has been eating away at you and you didn't even know what it was. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm going to post some screen shots and just ask yourself if any of this sounds accurate.

The fact he compared it to eating a snack when he’s hungry is mind blowing.

@Ayyah I literally said the same thing

@Ace like that’s how you know it’s a problem and maybe even an addiction when he thinks it’s one of his normal “necessities”…

Men can say they don’t masturbate but they do, all the time. They don’t want to admit it. I don’t know why they just don’t. You guys are more intimate more then my partner and myself. We are intimate like once or twice a month

@Alexis this is me and my partner we’re lucky to even get any once a month 😂

@Sophie man, it sucks 😪 but we have a lot going on we work 10 hours shifts a new baby along with her brothers and we barely sleep at night because we get home cook dinner for everyone and clean. 2 cats. Weekends are usually are alone time. But even then we’re so exhausted from life we catch up on our sleep on the weekends

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