MIL tries to divide us

Need some advice or reassurance 💙

My partner FINALLY texted his mom about how he's hurt over her crossing boundaries around posting our daughter's pics on FB, then blocking him when he addressed it. He was very nice (too nice) and told her how he was struggling bringing it up, he loves her, and wants her to be a part of our kids' lives, doesn't want to fight, etc.

So she LIES about the whole situation. Like actually tries to gaslight him. Denies blocking him (he double checked), denies posting multiple pics, says she apologized (did not), downplays everything, deflects. Repeatedly calls him "vindictive" and is just rude af with no accountability. Then tells him she thinks there's "outside forces" influencing him and how they need to talk completely alone where "nobody can listen in" 😑

I'm livid. If anything, I've influenced him not to keep ignoring her. She's purposely divisive and thinks she can manipulate him if I'm not around. She lies and blames all their issues on me, never taking responsibility or his feelings into account. He's hurt and sad, so he doesn't want to talk about it.

Now I'm just worried she's going to get back in his head and cause issues between us. He has a hard time standing up to her and wants to just placate her anytime she's upset. We've been doing really well lately and I'm scared that's going to get fucked up 💔

*For context: It was his decision not to address this sooner and ignore her requests for pics, among other grievances she has - all his choice. I support him 100%, but I also reminded him that letting it go so long would lead to a bigger issue .

Read more on Peanut

The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.

Learn more about our guidelines.

Add a comment

I had a very similar situation with my husband and his mom. It took a long time for him to see the issues and then to realize it was intentional and malicious, but once that switch flipped, he’s done. We still have a relationship with them, but there is zero tolerance.
Just keep encouraging him and pointing out issues. It’s really hard to accept that your parents could hurt you. Im sorry you’re going through this. I say make your relationship a top priority and remove yourselves from the drama as much as possible.

Thank you , it's reassuring to know that we could reach a place of no tolerance. It's difficult watching the wheels turn in his head now, almost like he's waking up and just wants to go back to sleep. He doesn't want to see his mom for who she is, which makes sense. I get so upset at how she treats him, but I have to constantly bite my tongue.

my boyfriends mom literally bought him and his other kids plane tickets to go see her for thanksgiving and didn’t buy ours KNOWING we wanted to go (we have a 3 month old together and he has a 3 and 5 year old with someone else) she lied and said she had only bought his ticket on wednesday and when he told her thursday morning to please look for tickets for me and our baby she said she would… come friday night she said “bought the tickets” and sent the itinerary. saturday morning (today) comes around and she tells him that that was the itinerary for his flight with his other kids and that she didn’t know to buy them for us… “i thought she was gonna buy her own flight up here”. she’s a vindictive asshole because i don’t take her bullshit and let her walk all over me like his other baby mama.. i literally hate her so much it’s disgusting

that's so fucked up, I'm sorry. She's purposely excluding you and your sweet babe. How does your partner react?

he has like blinders when it comes to his mom. I have been trying to tell him that he is a grown ass man, and he needs to step from underneath his mommy’s wing. I’ve been trying to get him to stick up for me and our daughter, no matter who it is because I would do the same for him. it’s not fair to our three month old to spend Thanksgiving without her father and it’s not fair for anyone that his mom is the reason. when he spoke with her this morning she literally said “you’ll have your two other kids there so it’ll be fine “. I literally despise her. So we ended up buying my ticket with the baby for a separate flight because she’s not gonna ruin my daughters Thanksgiving with her father and if she wants to be a little bitch about it she’s messing with the wrong person because I’m not the type of person to stand down when it comes to protecting me and my own.

Yea, fuck that. Good for you standing up for yourself and your babygirl . It's so awful that she'd expect him to go without y'all. Extremely selfish and cruel. Like even if she has an issue with you, she's taking it out in your 3mo - her own grandchild 😭 I'm glad y'all bought the ticket. I hope your boyfriend comes around and sees how insidious her actions are.

My MIL refuses to call our son by his name and it gets under my skin. She has no issue saying our daughter's name. My partner announced the pregnancy to his dad before her, so she's treating our son differently, like he doesn't matter to her.

i’m thinking he’s seeing the shit she does especially since i’m calling her out on all her bullshit everytime she does it. she’s vindictive and a sad excuse for a grandmother. and, honestly, mother. she is okay with him being selfish too like she instigates it. tried to get him to move up to Maryland with her away from us a couple months ago (our baby was like 2 weeks old literally. cause she “wants what’s best for him”. (he wanted to be a medical assistant and has his license up there and wants to save up to start a food truck business) and she literally kept talking him into moving up there. like what??

that’s awful that your MIL does that too. what the fuck is wrong with these women??

in our community

wtf moment?

I have been going back and forth with my husband lately. Well not lately it’s been years. He is the best husband and father you could ask for; for two weeks. Then he’s inconsistent. It drives me mad. Then he’s back to husband and dad of the year , then back to same inconsistency. I talked to him about this last night and he said “if i was lovey dovey and acted like this all the time you’d get bored and cheat on me.”

Ok so for starters i know some of you are going to say omg omg omg super controlling omg leave omg. No im not doing that. Im happy he finally admitted his wrong doing and taking accountability for it but id like to know the deeper reason, the what the f has him thinking like this reason, the personality trait reason. He’s obviously scared I’m going to leave him; so much so that he’s doing this dumb shit to prevent it. Past trauma? What do y’all think I can do to get him to see I’m not going anywhere? I’m consistent already, I married him, we have a baby. He really is the love of my life. I have never loved another man like this before.. but this shit is for the birds and he thinks he’s keeping me doing this but in actuality it’s making me lose respect and detach.

worried about a family members baby

So this child is three months old and she isn’t being fed from 10pm till 6/7 am idk if this is normal or safe and it’s been like this since 2 months i believe as she won’t wake her for feeds she goes to the pub drinking most nights with her baby and her baby has already been in hospital with a very low temperature bc she was outside but as soon as she was in a warm car she warmed up and doctors said she was fine she lets cats play with her bouncers toys that go over her and doesn’t strap her in she is cold from what i’ve heard from other family members and they’ve tried to warm her hands and she’s wet herself at my parents and she hasn’t had a spare vest to put on her and i offered her a blanket as she didn’t have one and she declined and she won’t listen to anyone about it she’s already left the baby with my parents for the night to go out drinking and personally i couldn’t leave my three month old because my parents said she just cried and im really unsure whether to report her or not and her house smells of dog wee/poo as she’s never home to look after them and that’s not safe for the baby i understand being lonely but she doesn’t need to go to the pub every night her friends could
go
to hers or her she could go to a cafe that has closed doors not sat outside a cold pub and it’s a bit of a rough pub in my opinion

my parents are concerned btw but they say i shouldn’t report her as it’s not fair but i feel how the baby is treated isn’t fair

Does anyone else hate their partner?

I’m now a little over 2 months postpartum and I’ve struggled with genuinely just not liking my partner anymore since we found out I was pregnant last year. I catch myself just staring at him with hatred because I’m so sick and tired of his bullshit. He is just now getting a job and has not had one since THANKSGIVING!!! Meanwhile I was working full time until I finally got too sick to be able to work. I genuinely want him out of my house but I depend on him as far as driving goes bc I don’t have a car. I also still love him deep down and don’t want to put him out on the street but he’s driving me genuinely insane. Any advice?

Heartbreak

After years of trying, months of back and fourth on the fate of our marriage, indecision, fights. The whole enchilada my husband and I are separating, divorcing. Whatever. I'm so goddamn heart broken. I feel like it's a death and I'm in mourning. We have a 3 year old son and currently and for the foreseeable we are going to coparent and live together. This makes things harder because neither one of us can really move on but it's how it is. He understands and he's trying to heal too. But I can't understand why now that things are over he can be kind. He's been more amazing in the last week since I ended things than ever. Why couldn't he do that when we were together for years I begged for change, we saw a counselor I tried everything and he just wouldn't. Now he seems to turn a switch and be able to just do it all. But it's too late. My heart aches. My body aches. Love sucks.

Partner works incredibly long hours, how much do they help out?

I'm struggling. Have been for a while. I've had one break from parenting my daughter, that was for 3 hours in December when I left her with her dad.

She's 14 months old and I'm just tired. I've done every night by myself. He's out of bed at 4am and doesn't get home until 7-9pm. He drives for work, very physically tiring.
On the weekends he was doing 6 days, one weekend day off, but now has both off.

He doesn't sit on the floor and play with her, he doesn't read to her because he says she doesn't have the patience.
He will pick her up and hold her whilst he's cooking.

Recently I've been "snappy" with him.
He got back from the mechanic last weekend, she was getting onto the sofa and he put his headphones on and started to watch Netflix on his phone.
The same day I told him I was going to run her bath and to watch her whilst she was still eating, he fell asleep on the sofa.

Today he went to football after going shopping, so was out 1-3 and then from 4-8.
He got back and I was snappy.

"I don't get why you're so snappy with me"

I said - Probably because I haven't had a break since December.

"Do you think I don't know you haven't had a break. I haven't had a break", "I just won't go to work, I'll sit at home all day".

Then "do you think I like not having a connection to my child"... But that's on him? He never sits to play with her. He "doesn't see the point". He's stated that this age is boring to him.

Since she's been born, he has been to a friend's once a month. Football - He stopped going for 7months, but has been the last two weekends.

Are these not breaks?

He does do the washing/washing up/cooking/vacuuming when I haven't had a chance to; but I'm the one in charge of feeding her, naps/bedtime, teeth brushing, hair brushing, baths, dressing her, making sure she has the right shoes, appointments etc. Everything falls on me.

If your partner works ridiculously long hours, how much do they look after your child? Do you ever get a break?

Am I wrong ?

My daughter’s 1st birthday was Thursday and nobody wished her a happy birthday from her dads family but his mom watched his story. Should I put my foot down and set boundaries for them to accept accountability or should I just let them stay on that side for as long as they want and not worry about it?