My mother is jealous of how my father behaves toward me and my son and I don’t know what to do.

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with her (like you can speak about me that way, but I do not have to sit and listen to it) and tell her the hard truths. I don't think you'd be amiss in telling her exactly what you said above, in a loving way. Is it shitty that your dad wasn't there for her in a way that it seems he's being there for you? Yeah. But that's a hurt that is between them and you need to make it known to her that it's unacceptable to scrape her feelings toward your dad onto you. You're not asking him to do those things. Additionally, it would be best to address the gender discrimination with your dad. I know that can be hard depending on cultural boundaries, but it sounds like it's not a difference with kids vs. Grandkids, but girls vs. Boys. Kindly remind him that every woman in the world can only produce women so if he wants someone to blame for only having girls, blame himself. 🤷‍♀️

What if you were the one who had a girl and your dad walked out of the room?
Now that you're a mum what would your reaction be if your partner treats you or behaves the way your dad did?

well ur right, id feel shitty, but then he wouldn’t be my partner. I chose who I chose for a reason, & my mother chose my father for a reason. At the end of the day, regardless, these issues I feel should be between my mom and dad…and as a mom now all I can think about is if my future daughter were pregnant with a toddler, how much I’d allow her to know how she’s doing well with her toddler, that I trust she can care for her babies well and that her mama (me) will be there to take care of her own baby… my daughter. This isnt the stance she cares to take and wants to jeopardize the entire family relationship bc shes butthurt about issues in her own relationship that started now nearly 40 years ago. as being a mom now, all i feel is even more anger & hurt for her lack of personal growth in my lifetime. as a parent myself i just see more of her shortcomings and lack of willingness to be a mature parent. it only makes me want to be everything she is not & makes me resent her more.

You'd feel shitty right? Then imagine your mum who's endured this for almost 40 years .... imagine how she feels. There's a saying that "you can't beat a child and teach the child how to cry ". Meaning no one can teach your mom how to react to all the challenges she's faced in her lifetime nor expect her to behave in a certain way. Only she wears the shoe and know how painful it is. This doesn't mean I support her reaction to issues.

You mentioned you would never have chosen a man like your dad for a partner. Well, remember back in the days most women had little or no options. How many women got to choose their husbands back then? And even if they choose, how many were bold enough to leave without society mocking them?

Being a single mom was not "accepted" like it is now. So maybe she was scared of leaving.

Was she empowered enough to leave the marriage and survive with the kids on her own?

Thankfully some of us have now been empowered to make decisions and even change them if we want to. We were privileged to be educated, gained exposure and experience. These are some of the things our moms didn't have in the past.

Your mom (again not supporting her behavior) is coming from a place of decades of hurt and frustration. The best you can do is help her overcome this. Maybe through therapy or counseling or whatever method. You can help make her the mom you want to see and be

I was about to write a lot of the things that Michelle and Karyn said already.

You definitely should have this conversation with your mum and try to get to a good place with her regarding your 1-1 relationship.

But I am also a bit surprised that you don’t share some of her grievance and that you don’t have more empathy for what she went through.
It’s not just that she had a husband who didn’t help - she had a husband who didn’t think her daughters (including you!) were good enough for him.

Also, from your narrative your dad is more interested because you “produced a male”. Likely he would be equally uninterested in you and your child if you had had a girl. In your shoes, I would have a hard time ignoring the transactional nature of his affection.

However, you will have a much more blissful life if you ignore the context behind your mum’s upset… so maybe in some dimension that is a good thing…

I consider myself a pretty empathetic person, but I would not let her treatment of you slide because of what your mom went through. Yes it’s unfortunate and your dad should have been better to her, but that is not your weight to bear. I am in a sort of similar situation. My aunt was the only girl to my grandparents for over 25 years, and my cousins born before me were boys. Then my dad (her brother) had me and I was the new girl in the family and ended up being the only granddaughter. My whole life me and my parents have felt my aunt was jealous of me because she treated me different. She only recently admitted that my grandpa was not as loving and affectionate to her even though he’s her dad, but when I was born he was obsessed with me. I believe she has held this against me even though I have zero control over that. She has no problem with my grandpa and seems to fight for his attention even though I am 30 and she’s 60. It’s very weird and an internal battle they need to work out.

the 3rd and 4th paragraphs!!!!!!!!! Nail on the head !!!!!!

As a Mother to a Daughter regardless of my situation I would be over the moon my Daughter is getting the attention and recognition she deserves with a Toddler and Baby, especially the help. She can feel that resentment if she needs too but that’s between her and your Father and actually has very little to do with you and your children. You need to set some boundaries with her as an adult, have a chat and just lay it out. She may need to get some things off her chest too but don’t allow that kind of talk in front of your children. Sorry you’re going through this! As a Daughter you never expect to deal with that.