Advice...how to say no to in laws visiting after birth?

Send them this!
Tell the how they made you feel uncomfortable in the last pregnancy and were your boundaries were crossed and set clear ones moving forward.
It may be a bit ugly and uncomfortable to begin with but anyone who truly loves and respects you can only come to a conclusion of empathy and understanding. If they don’t get to that point then that just re iterates their lack of support for you and is an exact example of why they should not be present in your most vulnerable moments.
Stand behind yourself firmly snd ensure DH does to.
This is your experience, your baby and no one comes before you.

reading this just made me so angry because i experienced this too and it was so awful😢 i canttt wait to have a second because now i know all the boundaries i want to set in place for baby number 2. my baby is four months old and my in-laws still try to push boundaries i have around meeting up/visiting etc. But if i was too have another baby i would definitely not let people come to hospital, even telling the midwives to not let them in like i did even if its awkward.

If I was you, I'd just say, you found last time overwhelming and that now you'll have a baby and your older child, you need time to recover and adapt to being a family of 4.
If your in laws want to be 'included', could you say that it would be helpful for them to watch your other child whilst you're in labour, as that would really help and give him some special time with them before their sibling arrives (aka they'll focus on that rather than annoying you in labour and after!)

It sounds like your husband is on the same page as you, so it may be sensible to talk with him and suggest he speaks with them and explains that "we" feel x,y,z so they understand it's a joint decision rather than coming from you as they may be more open to it that way. My husband has done that with his mum as she plays the victim card anytime she thinks it's me putting a boundary or makes out we're favouring my family over her, which we won't tolerate.

The thing that you need to remember, above all else, is that this is your experience and you owe nothing to anyone else. Yours and your baby's needs come above anyone else's wants, at all times.

Some people might be upset by being turned away but that's on them, not you. Everyone in your life should be allowing you (and supporting you) to put yourself first, waiting in the wings to help, as and when you want/need it.

Be clear and firm about what you need.

You could send a message to everyone SIL included so they can see it's everyone and just say no visitors etc until you're ready. Say last time it was overwhelming (hopefully they'll realise it's them) and you would appreciate the support during this vulnerable time x

Also fucking hell what a nightmare do what you can to protect yourself!

Brith is a major medical event. What is another medical event where you are expected to remove yourself from others for THEIR comfort multiple times a day? Not to mention climbing a flight of stairs each time. When else are you ordered to prioritize what everyone else wants while you are physically healing from trauma? Nope. Never- NONE of them would want to be treated this way after a surgery/ major procedure so why do you get this after birth?

I think its kinda on your husband to make this clear to them. You have enough to deal with, giving birth, breastfeeding etc etc, you shouldn't have the mental load of having to deal with all of this. Never mind having to deal with them actually doing this shit! I don't understand how people can feel comfortable when they were so clearly putting you in a very awkward, horrible situation?! Wouldn't most normal people by double/triple checking you were OK with each of those things they did, let alone doing them and being oblivious to the stress they was causing! X

Tell your husband exactly what you want to happen and have him make it happen and have the discussion. Don’t ask him to, tell him to.

Agree with all of the above and just popping in to say that it’s sounds like an absolute nightmare to me what happened to you. They should honestly be ashamed of themselves, I can’t image being so ignorant/have no regard for other people’s feelings. It’s honesty hard to believe they are this blind… i hope next time is better for you. And I hope your husband gets his finger out and creates proper boundaries with his family x

I get this as I’ve had similar experiences with my in laws. You need to be clear and form with them. Tell them what your boundaries are, you don’t need to justify them and your DH has to back you up. Lock your door so they can’t let themselves in, if they come round set a time when visitors must leave.
With my second I BFed in the lounge and made them feel uncomfortable. Ask the staff on the ward to support with visitors

I actually it's not a in laws problems. It's a husband problem. How the hell did he allowed that to happen ????
Happy couples are the ones that know when secondary family is welcomed and when they are NOT.
I m so sorry this happened to you. I would have a serious talk with your husband about it. He is supposed to protect you from that. Your in laws took advantage of this situation because they were allowed to.

I’d tell your husband to deal with it and if he doesn’t, go to your mums for the first few weeks after your baby is born if you’re able to, so they can’t just barge in on you! Also, when my youngest was born I told the midwives that I didn’t want anyone but my mum coming up to see me so everyone else was turned away and the ‘i’m her mother in law’ doesn’t mean anything to a midwife who’s been told no so no one got past them 🌝

I agree it’s a husband problem! How did he not get you clean clothes and think you’d want to be clean?! I would have demanded we went home in the car. Time to stand up for yourself and make it clear your expectations for him too I think!

1. Make sure you and DH are on the same page about his parents and make them HIS responsibility.
2. In the hospital, have a strict "no visitors" policy in your birth plan.
3. Be selfish. Giving birth is major. Adjusting to being a family of 4 is major. Be selfish during these times.
4. Tell them flat out your boundaries and that if they choose to disrespect those boundaries, they will be turned away from the hospital room and your home.
5. Breastfeed where YOU AND BABY are comfortable. If they are uncomfortable, they can leave.

Wow! This is shocking to read I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar experience with my first baby and if I have another I absolutely will not put up with any of this. I agree with the others I. Think it’s on your husband to do the work around this with his family and set the boundaries for you and your babies xxx

I think you’ve gotten some really good advice here, so I encourage you to show your husband and let him read the responses. And remind him that while you recognize this is challenging for him to read, and several of us definitely feel critical to how he handled himself. It was also difficult for you to live it. I’m glad that he sees how he responded was not ideal and that he recognizes he needs to improve. My husband did not stand up to his family initially, but once he realized how bad things were for me he was very angry with himself, and he realize that as difficult as it was for himto attempt to correct their thoughts and actions, it was even more difficult for me to go through all of that, especially pregnant. We cut contact before delivery because of how awful they were to me.

It’s a mom thing. Moms and grandma’s, aunties and sisters take care of the new mom* during labor and postpartum.

A mother in law would do it only if you want to but they can’t just assume that because your mom was there they get to be there too, the baby is their grandchild yes, but the one that pushed it is not their child.

was thinking the same thing while reading the points

While what I read is simply appalling, I think there’s room to find a balance in the middle for everyone’s sake. This is your husband’s baby too, and he deserves to have his family around and to share in the joy of expanding his family too. Don’t get me wrong. I COMPLETELY recognize that YOU were the one doing all of the heavy lifting for all of this and you need to have your knees recognized and followed. I just think that there’s some space for everyone to compromise a little bit. Maybe you can allow mother-in-law to, as someone said above, watch your older child while you’re in labor and then be the one to bring your older child to the hospital to meet their little baby sibling for the first time. That’s a REALLY special moment and I think, to be able to share that with, both of your families, his parents as well as yours, would be really special.
I definitely agree with all the other ladies above that this is your husband‘s responsibility to convey to his family and to make(contd)

them understand and follow BOTH OF your directives. Maybe you can make a compromise that your parents and his parents will be the very first visitors that you allow to come and see new baby but that that won’t happen until YOU LET THEM KNOW THAT YOURE READY FOR VISITORS. That way you can show them that they still have a special space and a special place and you’re not trying to cut them out. I do NOT have a good relationship with my ex-mother-in-law, but before things went south she did explain to me how hard it was for her that she only had two boys and that she would never really get that special place that got to help her daughter through contractions and through labor and all that stuff, and I could see that it was really hard for her. Even if this is their SON, I know that for me, looking at my (admittedly very young) son, I would love to be able to be able to be there for him in that difficult time and be there to support he and his partner in going through labor and (contd.)

contractions and birth and all that, would just mean the world to me and I won’t lie, and say that it would definitely hurt a little bit if I was asked not to do ANY of that stuff. I would guess that his family is just wanting to be reassured that they still have a special place in your lives even if they’re not the mother of the mother. I wonder if allowing them to do SOME of these things, but LIMITING them and NOT ALL of them might help them to feel reassured and like they CAN back off a little bit.

My other comment is regarding the breast-feeding. Breast-feed wherever and wherever you are. Don’t let them kick you out just because your child needs to eat. You would never imagine taking your four year-old up into an uncomfortable bedroom every time that he had to have a snack why should you do that with your newborn and yes, it can be a little bit uncomfortable at first, bearing your breasts in front of people, but I also found it was REAL quick way to get my mother-in-law out of my house!!! 🤣 His mom‘s/brother’s house was all on one floor, so I didn’t mind going to his mother’s room to nurse. It was actually a really, REALLY nice time when I got to escape!!! I would go nurse by myself in his mom‘s room because I got to get away from everybody and nobody dared to come and tell me to hurry up and my ex-husband got time with his family, and I got to not have time with his family!!!

I was also going to say that I wonder if getting his family involved in important tasks might help them to feel a little bit more special too. Asking them to help out with folding your laundry once a week, or organizing a dinner/meal train so that you guys have dinner made for you a few nights a week or taking your older child to the park to play for 45 minutes a couple of times a week or just things like that could help keep them busy and make them feel more important (keeping them off of your back!).

I had a similar situation but maybe not as bad. Second time around I made it clear to my husband I didn’t want any visitors at the hospital until I was ready. He communicated it to them and I also gave birth in a different hospital which was not 5 mins from their house like the first time around which helped.