Am I the a**hole?
Alhamdulillah first time mum to a 5 month old baby girl.
Husband and I are in separate rooms so I can bed share comfortably.
My husband pays the bills, I do the food shop and buy everything the baby needs.
My husband has moaned about food not being cooked for him when he returns from work (this was really difficult with my newborn as she only contact napped) so for the last 2 months I have made sure something is cooked for him when he gets home.
He does basically nothing for the baby, he moans about changing her nappy coming up with so many ridiculous excuses. He will watch her and then After a short while claim she is hungry or wants me.
He often returns from work, eats, plays games and then wants to go out to see his friends or buy cigarettes.
I feel beyond fed up with his blazé attitude. He says that home is like a prison, though I never ask him to do anything. He may occasionally clean the kitchen or hoover. That’s basically it. All I ever ask is for him to watch the baby while I do something.
I think he just wants to act like a single man with no responsibilities who can play games whenever he wants and give minimal time to the baby and none to me. All while having the perks of a home cooked meal everyday and a fully stocked fridge. I don’t even want to be around him anymore and am contemplating leaving for a few days. He doesn’t appreciate everything I do with a baby in tow.
Am I wrong to expect him to be present while at home, spend quality time with the child where he checks her nappies without being prompted by me??
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Bringing a child into this world requires two parents, and religiously, he should be looking after the child too. He also needs to provide for you and the child, he needs to provide you with the things to cook a meal and also depending on which school of thought you follow, according to the shafi^iyys, you're not even obligated to cook for him however if you do do this, for the sake of Allaah you get rewarded for everytime you cook for him.
He should be grateful and also do his part in raising the child. I know this is further down the line but the child has a right to learning the religious knowledge too which the father is meant to teach or find a suitable trustworthy teacher to teach.
There seems to be a clash on what you both want from eachother so i would strongly recommend you both speak about what you want to change but before you speak, make it clear that one doesnt interrupt the other, does not raise their voice or get rude and acknowledge each point.
Why not get the bassinet that goes up to the bed like the one that’s open on the side that connects with the bed? Your husband should know that food won’t be cooked all the time. My hubby cooks. He needs to step up. After reading the whole entire post leave his butt in the other room 😭
Maybe you both can organise a day out to do something this summer together with the child to create that bond and love , even going on dates with the child, going to the park or splash and play together
Let him know you need the help too and that it shouldn't be all put on you because you can't physically, emotionally and mentally become burnt out which isnt healthy or fair
Majority of men don't adapt well to changes/ process it the way they should or the way that we do. Now although having a child is a major change, there should still be some compassion. They usually have a denial stage where avoidance seems to be a way for them. I am not saying this to stereotype but based on the men in my family and friends that I have observed. They expect everything to be as before baby which in essence is not possible. You should still do all you can to maintain your relationship with him but he also needs to adapt that there is an additional responsibility. As mothers we need emotional, mental and physical support. In my family most men grew up seeing there dad/grandads only providing financial aid and nothing else to help out and this is still affecting current generations because in their mind, 'this isn't my job or responsibility'. The Prophet (S.A.W) helped his wife/wives but only fave sunna of Muslim Men is more wives.
Girl you are so not the asshole. He is. A big one too. Your basically being a single parent, even though your with the dad. He needs to pull his finger out this asshole, grow the hell up & take some responsibility for the child he helped create & if he doesn't, then buh bye 🙌
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