Step mom / bio mom

Is there anyone here that’s both a step mom and bio mom? I just want to pick a bio moms perspective . I’m a step mom but I’m looking to see what I can do to be a better step mom .

In my case the bio mom is also a step mom . We have a civil as needed communication relationship. I’m not looking to be best friends but I certainly want things to be more … calm for the sake of my step daughter . Bio mom & dad don’t get along at all so there’s always drama . She and I are able to speak on more civil terms . Everyone keeps telling me how fake she is and how she’s full of drama . Based on my correspondence with her personally it’s been just that civil so I have no reason to “hate” her .

I guess my question would be should I continue to keep communication with her . Keep it a minimum or make it more frequent . It wasn’t until I started communication with her that things started to level out with step daughter (preteen) .

Read more on Peanut

The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.

Learn more about our guidelines.

Add a comment

If you’re on good terms and are able to maintain civil communication then I don’t see why continuing to communicate would be an issue. I’ve found that having minimal or zero communication between households can make things even harder on the kids because everything is SO different and separated. Sometimes, that level of disengagement is necessary. But from what you described that doesn’t seem to be the case here. 🙂

Hey, mama. I’m a step mama and bio mama. I have been in my SS life since he was 10 months old, and I struggled with “communication” for the longest time. I tried to be friendly numerous times just for it to bite be in the rear. I 100% understand wanting to be on good terms- I was there. Unfortunately it never works out, especially if Bio mom and dad don’t get along…because then when they fight- now your name is thrown into the mix. Every situation is different though! High conflict bio moms are just very difficult to navigate when it comes to communication.

Keep communication. I think that is really good that you have that. I love that a lot. Is it possible that your relationship with both can help them come to common ground?

I’m a bio mom and step mom as well

yea .. I’ve been in the picture for over 10 years but I never stepped in and had direct communication with bio mom until about the last 3-4 years . It was too challenging because they don’t get along , minimal communication always resulted in high conflict. Now that sd is older she needs a woman figure in this household which is why I’ve been stepping up and trying to coparent with bio mom so she’s aware that I’m trying to help but not try and replace her . Sd has been going through all the emotions of a preteen and I feel like the only saving grace to all of our sanity is that her mom told her that it’s OK to come to me when she needs something or is uncomfortable in any situation. As much as I’d rather not have to coparent with her I do it for the well being of my sd even though I run the risk of having potential issues with her later (as everyone tells me )..

yea that’s what I’m scared of . I only want to help the situation, not make things worse …

in general I think it has helped but I wasn’t sure if I should continue or pump the brakes a bit to avoid any potential conflict . Everyone … tells me to watch my back … including her own family so that speaks volumes . I know I can continue communication but honestly it sucks always have to wonder if she’s being truthful or not

I have similar experience. I keep it cordial with SD bio mom and communicate as needed. I have her number now to talk to her. We tried doing play dates with just us. However, I’m prepared for foolery if she can’t be an adult. if she’s not being truthful that’s on her, long as you know you’re being genuine.

I've been in my stepsons life since he was 6, he's almost 14 now. My husband and bio mom are on good terms now, but there was a period where they weren't. I played mediator between them, did most drop offs and pick ups, handled communication, etc. Since they've repaired their coparenting relationship, I've pulled back from communicating with her and leave that to my husband. That doesn't mean I won't text her if I have something to tell her, I just don't text her just to be friendly or anything. We all sit together at his soccer games, invite each other when we hold his birthday parties at our individual houses, etc. We get along well, but aren't friends, and it works well for us

My personal experience. From day one I met bio mom (I’m the step mom) she always wanted to make it a point that she is the mother and has cried and questioned my husband as to why he’s with me. My husband and her do not get along at all so there’s literally always drama drama. They were broken up 2 years before I was in the picture. Once I got in the picture she made it as if I broke them up. I’ve been in the picture for now 5 years. The past 2 years she would act very fake to me and everyone had already warned me about how fake she is and she has also talked badly of me to my mother in law. I’ve always tried my best to keep it civil with her and keep communication with her for the sake of ss. He’ll be 9 this year. But on several occasions I’ve seen messages where she bad mouths me to my husband so after seeing that. I barely ever message or say hi if I saw her. Now I’ll only communicate with her if it’s an emergency. Other than that I don’t need to be playing these games of being fake

yea same . I just hate to associate with people I have to watch my back around . I keep my circle small for a reason

how did they work on coparenting ? I’d love if we just skipped over me and they fixed that Hahaa

I hate the drama . Hate hate hate hate . I just keep keep trying to see the good in the situation for my sd but other then that I’d give this no attention whatsoever .

this happened to me. keep it civil. she is not and will not ever be your friend until she wants it also. I thought my husbands bm and i could be friends but nope… we started the exact same way. and she can’t stand the fact her bd is with me. She felt as if my husband should prioritize her and his daughter over me and since he didn’t we were enemies.. when we got married she was pissed. no matter how nice i came. I won’t say people can’t change or your situation is the same exactly but tread lightly and just be cautious.

Part of the hostility was she was dating a guy that my husband didn't believe would be a good influence for his son. They eventually broke up which helped a little. I had a talk with my husband about how his son was the number one priority and as the kid was getting older, he would start to recognize that his mom and dad couldn't get along and asked him if that's the example he wanted to set for his son. I helped him talk to his ex and the basics were that they were never going to agree on a lot of things. They weren't together for a reason. But they needed to find a mutual ground and do better for the wellbeing of their son. It took work, it wasn't an immediate fix, and there are still days he can't stand her, and I'm sure vice versa, but we pick our battles and all have the same common goal of making sure the kid doesn't suffer.

Also, my husband came from a blended family and he had many many years where his parents couldn't talk to each other and i reminded him how hard that had to be as a growing boy

yea she even invited me to her bachelorette party years ago . No I didn’t go because that’s too Buddy Buddy for me lol I just want to be on decent terms not bffs lol

good points . My husband grew up in a blended family too so he knows the struggle . Bio mom grew up with a dad so to some extent she puts no weight to having my husband wanting to be present unfortunately ..

I was in this exact situation. Feel free to message me 🙃

Bio and step mom here. Feel free to message me

in our community

Just venting about an ignorant irresponsible husband!

I don’t know if it’s just me or if all husbands are like this, because my husband claims that all men are like him!

He doesn’t want to help with house chores, doesn’t do what’s asked of him, and only helps with the baby on his own terms and free time. Yet, whenever I get upset about something he does, he blames me for not asking for help. Honestly, I don’t even know if I want to ask for help anymore — it feels like such a mental load just to ask!

Usually, he’ll say things like, “Oh, I was about to iron my clothes,” or “I was about to eat,” or “I was about to sleep, I have an early day tomorrow.” You see where this goes…

Even when he does agree to help, he does things in a way that makes me want to just say, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.” For example, if I ask him to sauté some veggies, he says, “Oh, we should try raw veggies sometime.” Or if I ask him to pass a fork, he says, “You should eat with your hands.”

At this point, I don’t even know if things will ever improve. Part of me feels like I might end up leaving, but I don’t want to take any extreme step right now because it would impact my baby.

Advice?

I don’t feel like a good mom. I’m a mom but I don’t feel as present as I need to be. I have an addiction to my phone ever since my son passed. Growing up it’s how I distracted myself and it’s just gotten worse. I use to be on my phone every now and then before but now it’s constant almost. I still play with my toddler but I get bored easily and I don’t look forward to doing stuff. I’m a couch potato who scrolls. I hate it. I recognize it and I hate it. I don’t go out anymore unless needed besides outback. I don’t bake desserts anymore. I feel lazy. Yes I have a therapist but I never say what I need to when I’m there and I have to bring my toddler so it just doesn’t work out how I imagine.

I’m trying to be the best mom I can be but I struggle. I struggle so hard and at this point I am disappointed in myself because I imagined so much for our life and I can’t even be the mom I need to be. Even my mom who lived in the living room and didn’t play with us at least was a present mom. I checked out. I hate it.

Nursery costs

How much do you pay a month for nursery? And for how many hours?

8 Month food

Has anyone else baby refused taking formula?? My 8 month old has been refusing to take her milk for the past couple of weeks but will eat everything else and will even breastfed. HELPPPO

Emotional cheating?

So my husband had a longtime friend that he had said he was in love with at a time before we met, but she played around with him as a jerk and he ended their friendship right before we met. This was a year and a half ago. He had blocked her on everything but still had her number, though they were never in contact with each other. He told me she was in the past and didn’t have those feelings anymore. Well I just saw on his phone, about a month ago, he had sent her a random text of “asdf” as if he was checking to see if the messages still delivered. How should I feel about this?

What would you do?

I live with my parents and I have two kids (3 &1) my parents constantly complain about me. Talk shit to and about me saying that I could do more. My dad told me I was horrible and shitty mom for wanting to go to the navy and actually do something better for myself and my kids. Then my parents agreed to watch my kids when I go to boot camp and then the times coming up and they’re saying they don’t want to raise any kids anymore it’s too early things are moving too fast. But when I was home doing nothing smoking weed with them constantly needing their help it was never a problem but now that I’m trying to do better for myself I’m the problem. It hurts but I’m just at the point where I am willing to leave and go to the navy and not look back for months or years when it comes to my relationship with them. Am I being sensitive? There’s also a lot more that I didn’t add but just know I do financial help and give food stamps as well and whatever I do still is not good enough.