Advice?

If you dont talk to your therapist about the real problems then it's freaking pointless. You owe it to your child to talk to your therapist and fix this. Dont just feel guilty. DO SOMETHING. Mind over matter. And maybe medication will help you too. In 20 years when your kid doesn't come visit you, dont wonder why. Fix it.

If you struggle to talk about what’s going on, I’d encourage you to write it down so you can just read what is going on to your therapist to begin the dialogue.

I also started reading “Raising a Happier Mother” the other day. I’m not very far in to it, but I think it would resonate with you in finding a balance.

lol they make phone leashes but I just plug my phone into a charger & throw on music or a podcast/long form video I can listen to through my headphones without watching it

I struggle w my phone too sometimes you just have to really put it down somewhere and forget it exist. It sucks how addicting it is but you can get so much more done not looking at it or just reading or playing with your child.

Could you put a screen time timer on your phone? Or make a goal with yourself that in order to get on your phone and have that downtime you have to do X,y and z with your child or spend X amount of time playing with them?
Despite some of the rude comments you’re getting on here I think every mom deals with feeling like they could do better at one thing or another, I know I feel that way sometimes. Being a mom is difficult and your grieving on top of it which makes it so much easier to just check out. Try out some different ideas people are giving you and see if they work but also remember to give yourself some grace during the process. We’re all just trying to do our best and the first step is realizing there’s a problem and you want to be better for your child💕