AITA/ Should I be mad

So I’m a single mom living with my bd for financial reasons. We have been living together for almost 3 years and my son is almost two. We have never been together but have been really good friends since hs and have had an on and off fwb relationship since then as well. We’re both 27 now. Around 4 years ago my fwb relationship with started getting more involved and emotionally driven as well. He would start getting jealous and we spent every second together and he helped me look for an apartment to move out of my moms house.
Before my son was conceived he would come over to my apartment a lot and say that he was there often because it was quiet and he can focus on starting his business. (Which he still hasn’t started. And is doing less work towards it than before). He would stay in my apartment everyday before I got pregnant and would say he loves me and would be with me but he couldn’t because he’s a born again Christian. All while we were having unprotected sex like everyday.

After a few months of him basically living with me and being completely financially supported by me I started to ask him for contributions to rent, food or home goods since he would stay in my apartment while I went to work with the ac/heat on and eat all his meals and sleep there. At that point he started to talk about not staying over so often. Later that month I found out I was pregnant. Fast forward to now I have still been the main person financially supporting us. But his parents let us live in their Airbnb at heavily discounted rate and since I pay for everything else I told him I will not be paying his parents rent. So I don’t pay for rent, and I know most months his parents don’t receive anything for rent. He’s had temporary jobs since but nothing that sticks and for the last year he wasn’t working at all until we had an argument about finances. He recently started working again but it’s another temporary job.

So he’s been paying rent and helping out financially since this new job but still not enough. I haven’t been able to save anything to move out since all my money goes to cost of living. And he takes his little money and goes on vacation with his female friends or is always going out. We’ve been using my car lately and I felt when it was his car we were using I was always respectful of the fact that it wasn’t my car and barely used it (at the time my car was not drivable). When he got into an accident and lost his car(the reason he wasn’t working the whole year) we switched to my car. But it doesn’t feel like my car he would drive it until there was literally no gas in it and say he didn’t have any money to fill it up. So almost every time I went in my car it was empty every if I filled it up after I last used it. And he would drive anyone around in it.

So I set some boundaries about keeping it clean, asking before he uses it and not driving anyone around in it. We had issues with him not listening and that became a really big argument because he felt that the “rules” were excessive. But it was resolved. This was a couple months ago and since then he’s been communicating a lot more. Although it feels like it’s just to shut me up I prefer that. But now I would come in my car and see things like the passenger mirror down and he wouldn’t say anything and just say I told you no one else is in your car. And today he went to a party he said he would be back in two hours and didn’t come back for 5 hours. He didn’t update me and drove two extra places, a train station and what looked like someone’s apartment (based off his location). He said he went to two other parties.

But here’s where it feels like I’m being gaslit. He tried to say that he updated me before he went anywhere tn. He didn’t. The first location he texted me and was like I’m alive but when you share your location with someone (for those that don’t have iPhones) when you text them the location is right under your name. So I noticed when he sent that text he wasn’t where he said he was going so I clicked on it. So I asked him about it and he said he went to a different spot but he’s coming home now. The spot is 15 mins from our place. So after an hr of doom scrolling I realize he’s not home check on his location again he even further away so I send another text and he says he’s leaving now he’s not going anywhere else. But he’s already at the second location..
so I tell him that he doesn’t respond.

Normally when he come home he comes to my room. He doesn’t and goes in the living room so I ask him what happened. And he starts getting upset with me because he says I’m being suffocating. Which tbh I can see why it would feel like that but it’s 5am. And he’s like well if you were sleeping you wouldn’t have needed to know where I am. But I was up because I’m up all night doing hw (to make more money because I can support 3 people and our pets on my salary while he doesn’t work.) and the third place he said he went to closed an hour before he even left the second place. Now I’m confused on if I’m the a hole because I really didn’t need to know where he was. So honestly after talking with him about it and feeling like the conversation was getting no where I just left it alone. But I really don’t feel like I can trust him with almost anything, my emotions, finances, my property, and I hate that feeling with someone I’m living with and coparenting with and we’re still friends.

Everyone is always so surprised at how close friends we are given our baby and I like being his friend. But I don’t want a friend/coparent/ roommate that I can’t trust. Luckily I can trust with my son so I do know us not living together anymore will help a lot of things. But I feel stuck because I can’t even save up enough money to move because I’m always pulling out of my savings by the end of the month to buy anything for us.

Also recently I started feeling more like myself again after having my baby so I started talking to more guys (while he was talking to girls even while I was pregnant, but again we’re not dating, but i still feel like it was disrespectful) and we were still having sex up until my son was maybe 6 months old. Then we stopped for a really long time after I was clarifying our relationship for myself. And I was in therapy. So I started feeling better and started talking to other men and then he starts crying about how he didn’t think it would hurt that much (bsffr). (And I’m not the only “toxic” one because he found out I was talking to other people by reading my texts). But that night was our friends birthday party so we had a couple drinks. And we ended up having sex (we were sober enough to both consent) but even that was I love you so much I miss this. You’re mines. And then like right after the sex he’s going to dinner with other girls the next couple days.

So it feels like the thought of me “moving on” scared him. And he’s like oh let me have sex with her to confuse her again. And I feel so disgusted with myself for letting that happen but now I feel not like I wanna talk to other people because I’m confident in myself again but rather to prove he doesn’t own me. Which also feels so icky and it’s not interesting anymore so I feel like “he won”. Idk y’all. And this isn’t even half of it.

TLDR; I feel like I’m being emotionally and financially abused by my bd but I honestly can’t tell if I’m just stupid or overreacting.

You shouldn’t be living together. Is there not family you can stay with? This is so confusing and unhealthy

After reading all of this. Option E, all of the above. This is messy and will only get messier. You need space and clear boundaries.

Yes I agree, & No this is my healthiest option. There’s my mom but she’s worse. And she lives with her husband who only makes things worse. My bd and I have bad “flair ups” but about 90% of the time we’re chill, amicable, and kind to each other. After arguments we do spend a lot of time listening to each other and trying to do better. My mom and I, after like 4 hrs it’s fair game for an argument that’ll stop us from talking for months. I’m in grad school and I’m hoping to take my student loan money and use it to get a small apartment. The thing that scares me is anything that’s affordable is away from family who we haven’t been paying for childcare. And I work full time and I’m in school full time But I’m already working to undo credit card debt because I don’t make enough to support us all. I live in nyc so everything is ridiculously expensive. And I’m stuck in this job too because my tuition (and i go to a private ivy so it's the cost of my first born) is half off because I work here

If you move out, you could get him to pay child support, which should help with your costs then, no?
he’s a dead weight, I would RUN!!

Toxic is the word that comes to mind lol

Not you. But the situation. I just do think he knows what's up.. like don't underestimate his intelligence here. Dudes know what they are doing. He gets to have his freedom and a family life too, benefits too, gaslights you when you try to change it up, keep you at arms length, gets sex on occasion, gets to live comfortably, go out as he pleases, doesnt have to answer to you b.c. yall are really "not together" , he has you right where he needs to be is what it sounds like. I'm sorry to say. And even if he is who you consider a friend, or if he cleans up a mess or takes out the trash, or keeps his own child or you guys share in a fun conversation or nice evening dinner, like good moments good things ect. That does NOT change the facts that there is bad here. Toxic behavior of him getting his way. You can set boundaries and he can fake follow them for a while but that is not real respect that is temporary getting you off his back. He doesn't want to lose this situation

But in all honesty he probably should and you know that. You seem like you do have respect for yourself and like you do know what's up and like maybe it's just hard to face it/ get out of it. You're kinda stuck in a hard spot here.

But yea I don't think he's doing right by you. A lot of guys won't commit so that they can still do whatever they want. Like would you even want him as a partner if you know he's this way anyways tho.. I'd say in or out is a choice to make and if it's 100% nah we are not together then living together is blurring the lines and that is probably a lot of the issue

This situation is weird. I’d stay, PAY YOURSELF RENT until you can afford something. Pretend it is a bill and pay it. You gotta save something for yourself to ever get out. He doesn’t wanna work and wants to live off you and his parents. He wants to sleep with others and your saying you don’t mind, but you seem to mind, which is totally normal and more than fine but you need to get out of the relationship if he’s not in the relationship if that makes sense. Just move and let everything else fall into place. You’ll see, he probably won’t go out of his way to help, then if you want you can go get child support and get help that way.

I had a guy doing relationship stuff with me and saying he didn't want a relationship before. Like Mr in or fuckn out. Halfway=toxic disrespectful shit
If you feel confused it's because that's what he wants you to feel

paying myself rent is actually such a smart idea. Thank you I didn’t even think of that. And it’ll help me budget around “rent” too.
And I def DO mind. It’s not that I don’t I just am not to pressed by it because it’s like beating a dead horse. I think I wouldn’t mind as much if he was out there going on dates with born again Christian women. And I’m Christian, but apparently not Christian enough. And I really believe that he isn’t having sex with other people. But it still makes no sense to spend all that time investing into other women that he’s not going to be with either. so I feel hurt because it’s like if he’s going to do it anyway then what’s wrong with me that he’s not only going out with me. And I had to do a lot of self work to realize that there isn’t especially after my body changed so much after my baby.

I think that’s so true as well. I don’t think that he is intentionally trying to hurt me. But his parents are also in a very strikingly similar relationship so I think that’s just his reference for what love is. And I think we’ve both been learning to not be like that. But I think it’s important that we just don’t do it together. I also do think that he actually loves and cares about me as well. But I think he loves and cares about the best of both worlds situation we’re in here and him self at the same level or more. It’s hard for both of us to think about not living with our son everyday but we did know the situation before he was even born

he would pay but I don’t count on him to have the income to pay. So I wouldn’t budget being able to have extra money from him.

I see what you mean. And maybe he does have a lot if learning left to do. He may care about you a ton but you are right he cares about himself more... plus love is beautiful and wonderful but you also deserve respect. And maturity