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Postpartum Depression + Anxiety

Am I crazy?

Hi. I am 3 weeks postpartum (c-section mama) and I feel like I’m losing my mind.. I am constantly feeling heavy in my chest. When my baby boy cries I get scared and panic because I don’t know what to do and I feel like i’m not doing a good job which all he really does is sleep, get a diaper change, get bottle fed and get changed again and then goes back to sleep he’s only 3 weeks and 5 days so he is still tiny. I’ve tried to put us both on a routine but i’m just so tired and exhausted to stick to it and I feel like i’m letting him sleep too much but that’s the only time I feel at peace but I don’t want him to get flat head either. I hate to feel this way because this is my baby boy he’s everything i’ve prayed for and more why can’t I seem to enjoy these moments? I’m not sure if we’re even boding if this is how I feel.. I don’t know what to do. I feel like i’m failing already he doesn’t like tummy time so I feel behind on that and don’t know what to do or how to get him to reach his milestones. I just feel scared and sad majority of the time. I had an emergency c section due to my high blood pressure and I was also sad during my pregnancy and a little bit before being pregnant due to not being able to express myself to my husband.. emotionally on that note I believe a lot of this is stemming from that. Reason for this post is because I am scared and full of anxiety and when I feel this way and I can’t figure out what it could be and i’m wondering if any other mamas have had this anxiety feeling. I can never explain myself to my husband because it always becomes a fight. So the other day I was feeding our son and I was crying while doing so and he asked me what was wrong and I told him and we went back and forth for a bit and I eventually told him i’m scared that I might fall into postpartum depression and he basically told me to get over it because it’s apart of the journey of being parents and it will all pass and I really just broke and fell apart when he said that because i’m coming to him as his wife and wanting comfort and reassurance because our life changed so fast my baby boy was 3 weeks early and I wasn’t prepared for him to come early so i’m still grasping my mind over the fact i’m a mother now and I have my baby boy here. I don’t know how to feel anymore when he comes home from work he says he will help me but he just comes holds our son for 5-10 min then sits down scrolls on his phone or changes clothes and then jumps on his video game. I’m tired of feeling like I have to keep everything bottled up until I explode then feel like crap because I started a fight with him. I don’t want my baby boy to feel that energy from me but I don’t know how to control this anxiety I have. Especially when he cries or when i’m not moving fast enough. Am I a bad mom for letting him sleep too long? I have so many questions and emotions i’m feeling I don’t know what to do. I feel so guilty when I have to take my pain meds because I don’t hear him at night because they knock me out cold, leaving my husband to do the night feedings and changes with him. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle these emotions.. I’m a first time mom and i’m trying my best with everything I have.. are there any moms that can help me understand?