Feeling robbed of the experience that should be Motherhood

I really was looking forward to being a mum, and I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. Fast forward to now, and my daughter is almost 7 months old, and I love her to pieces. But I feel so so robbed of motherhood, or atleast the experience of it that I wanted it to be.
I have a partner who works but his job is fairly easy and he enjoys it (even stated once that going to work was his break from being a parent - and that is rich considering I do the lion's share of the parenting). I'm on my own with her 10 hours a day, and even when he's home I still do the majority of parenting and the household chores - which I'm constantly falling behind on. Now, my partner and daughter have a lovely bond and he has no issues caring for her or knowing what to do. It's just he is rather lazy and prioritises his wants over my needs. His desire to play video games is more important than me not eating all day.
He's also extremely emotionally cruel and makes me feel like a disappointment and a failure for not being ethereally happy every second of the day. I suffer really bad Post Partum Depression, Anxiety, and Rage. I've sought help for well over half a year and every service I've sought help from has sent me away, I've been discharged from two services that are yet to help me and I just feel like they are slamming the doors on my face when I'm begging for help.
My partner gives me grief for struggling and is now saying I'm probably just hormonal (cause you know, women never have legit reasons to struggle, everything is hormonal with us).
Anyway, this is not a post to just complain about my partner, but to express my devastation at the absolute inequality when it comes to parenting. His reality and mine are so different, and I feel he gets the good side of being a parent while I suffer through the hard bits.
Before anyone says "try talking to him" I have, countless times, and it just ends in him berating me.
Also, before people tell me to have some me time, or rely on my support network... I do not have one, all my family are in another country and I've not had the opportunity to make friends where I live, so I have no support network as well as no time or freedom to take a break or have me time.
I NEVER get to miss her or be missed, there's never that happy reunion.
While my partner still maintains an identity, hobbies, leisure time, financial independence, colleagues, and a sense of being a human outside of parenthood; my reality is that I've lost my job and any social interaction I once had, I've completely lost every little bit of who I was before becoming a mother - art, medieval history, animals, and various interests and hobbies - all are a distant memory. I also have forfeited the right to shower more than once a fortnight, it is now a luxury to be allowed time to go for a poo, and it's treated as me "having a break" if my partner has her while I do urgent chores that need doing. I go through everyday barely eating or drinking, my basic human needs are so far down the bottom of the barrel, that they have disappeared entirely. I am barely human anymore. I barely sleep at night as I also do night wakes.

I am heartbroken because I was so looking forward to the experience of being a mother and loving and nurturing my own child; however, the reality of that is so immensely unforgiving and non stop, that I feel I do not have the opportunity to enjoy it. My brain is constantly on hyper vigilance mode and I often have to rush around doing 2 things at once, all the while she spends most of the day crying and whinging and that drives me into overstimulation and post partum rage. I sacrifice so much and yet nothing is good enough for her, she's never happy with me. Maybe she can sense how utterly exhausted and stressed I am? But as soon as my partner comes home, she gives him the biggest smiles ever and her temperament totally changes. It feels like all the hard work I do every day, ignoring my own needs, is worth f all to her, but all my partner has to do is walk through the door and she's suddenly a different baby.
I am in a state of extreme burnout and I feel motherhood - that beautiful, loving, holy, nurturing, soul-enriching thing - has been taken and turned into a torturous prison sentence, where you have to do SO MUCH all the time, that your mind and body are constantly exhausted, that not only do you not have the capacity to enjoy your own child, but then you feel guilty about not enjoying them and for wishing for your old life. Good old mum guilt eh? And not only that, but you're so overworked that you're constantly annoyed and stressed around your child and they in turn are miserable around you despite your best efforts to put on a brave face and play the clown... or atleast this is my experience.
I so want to enjoy being a mum! I know one day I'll look back and kick myself for not enjoying it more. But how can I when I'm ENSLAVED to it and don't have the time to enjoy it. All the while watching painfully as my partner gets abundant time for gaming, gets to be a person, and yet gets to indulge in all the good parts of being a parent, all the smiles and laughter. I just feel like I'm drowning in this, so much so, that I am unable to quench the thirst that I once had of being a mother and loving and nurturing my little one.
I just hate this. I hate it so much.
Why are we women so robbed. Robbed by effectively turning such an innately beautiful thing into a suffocating, torturous, hellish confinement.

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I don’t have much advice other than to say that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling, but you’re doing an amazing job and your little girl will know how loved she is. Is there anything you can do on a weekend where you just tell your partner you’ll be out for at least a couple hours but preferably the majority of the day? Don’t ask him, just tell him it’s what you’ll be doing from now on. Even if you just go sit in a cafe or have a nap in your car somewhere. Anything to get you out of the house and give you a bit of space. Whereabouts do you live? Are there any mum groups you could join to try and dilute the 1:1 time with your daughter? Xx

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, no wonder you are suffering from everything you mentioned because I definitely have secondhand rage from reading. What would he do if you just left him and bubba together for an hour? For a haircut or a couple hours for lunch with a friend? If he can't even do that he's no parent at all. You deserve so much better than this, most men nowadays are so much better than this, he's a disgrace to men honestly.

I feel the same! Was just saying today I feel burnt out! We don’t get a break at all from the mum life and it’s completely normal to feel this way. Hope it improves soon and you can get some normality back!

Sorry you’re going through this, I remember feeling similar during the first year of my son’s life. If your partner is around at the weekend I’d try and get out to a coffee shop on your own even if it’s just for an hour and leave the baby with him. You are important and have needs too it’s not fair how much women have to sacrifice it’s just a given that women are supposed to ‘get on with it’ whilst Dads get all the praise for the bare minimum.
I hope things improve for you soon 💛

If I were you, I would say “I am having a break” and physically leave the house. Leave her with him. Do you have a friends house you could go to and just chill out? Go nap? Go out and have a coffee. Leave for an hour or two and just do something you want to do.

Pick one thing you want to do a day. Shower. Do it. Leave the baby with him. One thing a week. Leave the house. Without the baby.

I would also go back to the doctor and ask to be referred to services. “Postpartum” closes off after one year so you lose to support of the serious services (in some places, I’m in NZ). If you need support please don’t accept them closing your files. Make noise!! Have someone come with you to support if you feel like you can’t do it yourself. Contact your midwife from when you were pregnant.

I remember this identity crisis when I was a new mum. Life didn’t really change for my partner but my world was turned upside down. It took a while for us to find a rhythm it got there.

I totally understand you! I had my baby 1 year ago, all family abroad so it was just my partner and I. But then he went back to work and it was only me and her. My baby wanted to be carried all the time and I did not know that it was possible. I cried when I was thinking about the next day, she also was so used to be that she did not even want her father to carry her. So I was on a 24/7 clock with shower, poo, sleep with a baby. At that point I was not a woman but just a mom. But with time I understood a lot of stuff and I just try to work things differently. There is no solution here, but just thinking differently. I started to enjoy everything with her, even those moments that I actually wanted alone like a shower. If I did not switch my way of thinking, I don’t know where I would be.

I still at one year pp, don’t have really free time. So don’t even think about hobby etc but I know that it will come. My baby is literally my best friend, we share everything now.

My husband takes our twins out for a 2 hour walk on the weekends just so that I can have a nap. He watches them while I do chores or visa versa. He cooks every night. We are in an EQUAL partnership. I feel furious for you. If I were you, I’d literally just leave the house for an hour when he gets home from work. Just up and leave. Get some fresh air, sit alone, scroll for an hour. You are important and you need to make yourself a priority. Motherhood is brutal without the added stress of an unsupportive partner

Make sure baby is fed and changed, take her to the room where your partner is gaming with her toys, leave her with him and close the door without saying a word. Then go have a long shower. Do this daily till he gets it 😊

This is just so well written. I usually don't read long posts, but this one really got me. I can't say I'm in the same situation, but I understand you. The thing is you are constantly with her so when she sees her dad she is more excited .It's not fair to you, but that doesn't mean she is not grateful for what you do.
I know you said you spoke to him, but can you show him this post, it's so well put. Also maybe keep it and start a blog about your experience, that might help you.
Do you have any mum groups near you? Can you talk to his family? Also, It won't be like that forever, your little girl will know who really took care of her and will be grateful for that. You are creating the foundation of a great relationship with her. The baby stage is important, but motherhood doesn't stop there, you can be really loved later on too.....if she is really fussy during the day, can you try baby wearing?

I would also just leave her with him when he plays video games, pit her next to him on a bouncer and go do your thing

I’m so sorry to read this, you’re doing amazing! As other people have mentioned above it should be an equal partnership. My partner also works full time but I still feel very supported!
I completely get the identity crisis, it took me about a year to embrace my new self and get in a rhythm with my little boy.
I used to put my baby in the highchair in the bathroom with me while I showered. Now that he can get out of a highchair in 2 minutes 🥲 I either wait til I put him down for a nap or sit him in his cot and give him his toys and put a show on for him too (I know people disagree with screen time but for 20 mins so I can get a shower I see nothing wrong personally).
I have found going out really helps too, peanut to meet other mums like you’re doing and baby classes just to break up the day. We have also enjoyed going out for walks and the national trust if they have ones near you! Go for a drive with baby and grab yourself some food! It will get better 💘 xx

Have you looked at HomeStart? It's an organisation that assigns you a volunteer that comes in for a couple of hours a week, and they can offer you support? You can self-refer

Homestart through your local children's centre might be a great shout. If you can afford it, I'd also suggest you and your husband outsource as many jobs as he isn't willing to do such as cleaner and mother's help so that you can get a break. He should be paying for that break if he's unwilling to provide it by parenting himself.

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If yall still giving your kids processed food, pls seek help

I understand not everybody can afford healthy ingredients all the time, but I’m seeing so many moms on social media giving they kids artificial cereals, coffee, frozen pancakes, velveetta Mac and cheese, hot Cheetos, kraft, the list goes on. I’m sorry but are yall not capable of cooking from scratch or ?? On top of that, if you still using canola and vegetable oil in 2026 you gotta stop. Am I the only one that notices this ???

AITA?

This isn't a major issue, just wondering if I'm being a bit of an asshole.

• I do shift work, 5 out of 7 days, full-time.
• My partner works from home (mostly, sometimes he goes into the office) M-F, full-time.

Anyway, whenever I have a day off during the week he gets in his feelings when I make myself food (breakfast and lunch) but not him. His reason is he's working, I'm not - Which is fair but I've asked him how many times on a weekend has he gotten up, on his day off and made me breakfast and a lunch to take with me to work? You guessed it, 0.

So basically, just because I'm at home I don't think the responsibility to feed him should automatically fall on me when he manages to feed himself just fine while I'm at work.

I've finally done it

I have finally done it. I have finally become the trope, the stereotype.

I have become bitter, resentful, and very overwhelmed and overloaded. I am very unhappy and hit burnout. And I snapped at my husband last night. I work full-time, and work has been very busy so im working late a lot. Im also in grad school. I also have a toddler that has become VERY clingy with me. My husband works shorter days but commutes, so he usually gets home after me by an hour or more. When he gets home, he usually heads to the restroom for at least 30 mins when he gets home. And now my toddler doesnt want anything to do with him. So im doing all the toddler duties until bed. I dont get 5 mins to myself. Not for almost 2 years. I finally hit my wall. I have also, somehow, become my MILs medical ride service and she somehow has an appt every week, it seems?! Shes not sick!! My husband was complaining that he needs to change routine to fit in a workout sometimes, and I lost it. I have been BEGGING for 5 mins to myself for months. I have been telling him how im not good, im going to burn out for months. And between his attitude and him complaining (which really got me b/c he blames me for not being able to work out?! Saying I need help when he gets home so he just cant workout now) I just lost it completely. I told him how unfair my life has become and I have the entire mental and emotional load and it is just not fair. He got mad at me and said "hes trying" when hes literally not trying at all. What do I do?? No one is taking the load from me! And im done and dont know what to do now.
I do not like this version of me.

Avoidant husband

I love my husband and he is a good man. We have some issues in our relationship however, as he has an avoidant attachment style (finds romance/intimacy/being emotional difficult). This comes from him having to be independent from a young age and having quite an abusive mother.
The issues in our relationship are mainly around a lack of sex and intimacy. I think the problem is that to feel turned on, I need to feel connected and wanted. My husband (being avoidant) will usually make jokes about being horny whereas I would want to have someone make me feel beautiful/sexy to get in the mood.
It sounds terrible but I've sometimes had dreams about exes that would make me feel this way, and the romance we had (eye contact, intensity, deep words). It makes me feel really guilty but I feel like i'm starved of that. My husband would like a lot more sex but I can't always force myself if I'm not feeling it.
We've spoken a bit about therapy but I know its often really expensive so we probably wouldn't be able to afford it. Do you have any suggestions please? I know that neither of us are wrong in what we want, just different but I'm scared about whether we can fix it or if we're doomed?

Big vent!

Hi mums.
I'm a first time mum in my 40s to twin boys.They are almost 5 months old and the biggest miracle in my life!
I am struggling!!!
I'm pretty sure I have ppa as my pregnancy was a very high risk and all I remember was crying from anxiety of all the ifs!Thankfully even born at 35 weeks and skinny,didn't need iu time.
My husband is not helping much because he's always too busy with work.He will "look" after them usually between 8pm-12am so I can have a chance to sleep.
He expects me to just sleep when I touch the pillow,even though I hear tje babies crying and him don't really bother because most of the times he'll be on his laptop working.
When I tell him I can't relax to fall asleep because I feel you r neglecting the babies,he says I'm the problem becauae I'm always there with them and don't give them alone time!!
I am angry!!I am furious!!
I can't keep.up.with housework becauae someone alwaya neess me and most of the times they nap I either cook and clean tje kitchen,do laundry or try and take a quick nap.
He doesn't help.around the house,becauae..guess what?always super busy.
I asked him nicely we could clean the house together every Saturday morning so it's easier and quicker for both of us and he said no,because he has a lot of work but probably wants to sleep until 12 or 2.
2 days ago a button of his coat ripped and I told him I'll sew it these days.
Earlier this morning while running late for his work,as always,he weara the coat and told him didn't get the chance to fix the button and sarcastically said..of.course u didn't!!!
I spent all night awake because one of the babies had congested nose and we've been trying to reduce one fees at night.
I wanted to punch him!!He left and I started crying...I cry so much,even at 5 months pp...
I can't go on like this anymoreeeee...
The crying in my ears is constant..my head is always numb..I've gained so much weight and can't find the strength to get back on track..
Even if I try to.find a therapist to just talk,is it gonna help?I really don't know😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Toddler snacks in the morning ?

Hey.

My 14m is clearly going through a growth spurt. He’s a fussy eater but recently started having two breakfasts with the childminder and that’s even after milk in the morning.

He wakes at 6am and we leave around 7:05am. Has 6oz when he wakes but then is seemly hungry looking for snacks before we leave. The only issue is, he’s a fussy eater and won’t sit and eat fruit etc so struggling to think what I can give him that’s suitable.

Any fussy eater suitable ideas of what I can make or get him to snack on whilst we finish getting ready to get out the door?