I've finally done it

You’re not alone and none of this is your fault! Recommend your husband resources like “zachmentalloadcoach” on IG and TAKE what you need. You don’t ask for permission, you just say “hey, I have an appointment at 6pm every Tuesday now, you need to sort out dinner and do bed time”. And then you do whatever you want, a workout class, a walk by yourself, girls night. Then you plan a weekly lie in. Like “every Saturday I will not do any care work until 9:30am. I expect you to get up with our toddler without waking me up”.

There is nothing wrong about that and about communicating without “sorry, but” and “can you please”. You can only look after others when you look after yourself 💖 fingers crossed it all works out!

My husband is definitely not abusive or manipulative. He is a fully involved father. Just not a great husband right now. Normally, he is very intuitive and aware of where I am emotionally. It just feels like lately I've been invisible and asking for help. He said he needs help too 😑 he says hes burned out too (i dont see how! He has plenty of self care time in his long bathroom breaks and his 3 hour daily train commute). He makes it seem if I take time for myself, something else will have to be sacrificed. Or he has to sacrifice. I just dont know. 2 things are in conflict here - hes a great father and involved and loves time with our toddler, but... it seems like im not as important now and carrying the load. He is a good dad but bad husband?

First let's get you out of MIL duty. Set her up with Uber until she can find an actual senior service rideshare program. It was nice of you to take this on, but you can't continue. If your husband needs to take half days off of work to do it, maybe he can use the extra time to go to the gym. Next let's split those bedtime duties. Your toddler will protest, but really they will protest either way. It is the toddler way, and if it's not this, it would be something else. Let him choose 3 days a week (at least 2 weekdays) where he puts your child to bed. Either leave the house or lock yourself in your room and don't come out for crying. You have to let him handle it or it won't stick. If he needs something have him text. Last for now is to find someone to talk to about this regularly. Do you have someone you can call and chat with when things get hard? This is a challenging season of life and if your husband isn't your person, you need someone (ideally more than one person) that you can share you load with.

Tell him taking out garbage, vacuuming, laundry, etc. and picking up your child count as a workout. You can offer him plenty of time for a workout!😌

I think @Lara hit the nail on the head. We can focus on labeling that man a good dad, bad dad, good husband, bad husband, abusive, narcissistic, etc. Or you can decide exactly what it is you need. Tell him you are taking it, and take it. If he refuses to watch his child when you leave the house to take your self-care hour each week (or whatever you choose to take), then you can let him know this isn't going to work out because your needs aren't being met. Don't panic, stay calm, stay cool....and know what you need and deserve. Don't ask, don't beg. Take what is rightfully yours. If he doesn't want to lose you, he will go along and he will also follow suit. If he needs a workout, he shouldn't turning into a victim, he should let you know-"Babe, I'm going to hit the gym on Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings. Let me know what days you will need for yourself"

Lyss your resources in the thread about narcissistic behaviour of the father are so informative.