Would you forgive or let the relationship go?

I'd have a very honest discussion with him about it to understand why it happened and why he kept it from you. I'd see if it's possible to rebuild that trust, but I don't think I'd leave him just yet. Not if he's a great partner and just had a one time slip. However.. if it was a pattern, or he denied it happened or wouldn't communicate, then I'd find it hard to rebuild trust and that could lead to bigger issues and make me question the marriage.

I hate to say this but because he did break your trust, you are hurt clearly. unfortunately when someone hurts us it takes time for us to heal and to accept but when it comes to cheating you will always doubt him. That’s not healthy.

How you have described him as a man minus the cheating he sounds like a lovely man who treats you like a Queen. My advice will be to try to let it go and tell yourself the past is the past. What he does from now take it into account. But being on the phone all the time while he picks up the kids is that not much? How will you trust him if you continue like this. I know and get this is hard.

Maybe sit him down and ask him why he insists you should go with him or be on a call with him? Is he afraid he will make that mistake again? Does he Acknowledge it as a mistake.

Not trying to make an excuse for him but Men are wired differently from us do you think he didn’t tell you because he thought in his head that it’s just a kiss or meant nothing to him?

Mearly a Big mistake is that why he didn’t tell you?

You either have to move past it or move on without him. The way you are living right now is not healthy. He’s basically in jail. Apps in his phone to monitor. Monitoring texts and calls. Spending every waking minute together or on the phone. I would understand if you went with him to pick up the kids, but everything else is a bit much. How do you live life? How do you go out with a girlfriend but wait your husband needs to go get milk so you have to stay on the phone with him. What about him? He doesn’t have friends he goes out with? 8 months is very early on in a relationship and he could have had conflicting feelings especially with children involved. He was wrong to hide it for sure but look at what it’s caused. You’re his wife. He chose you. He chooses you every day he’s rubbing your feet and cleaning and cooking and gives you his paycheck. He’s showing he’s devoted to you.

I will validate your feelings on this one. I will also say not to act irrationality based on those feelings. The fact that your husband did not tell you is a shame, it would have given place for true repentance. There are men and women who have cheated on their now spouses with exes before they were married not only with just a kiss, but full intercourse. Because there are children involved, I personally know people that choose to forgive. On your 10 year anniversary you can have a ceremony to renew your vows and marriage. It is critical you talk everything out. Your husband did not want to lose you which is why he didn't want to tell ya. Absolutely does not make it okay and it's not fair of him to lie to you like that. ask him everything. You can even get a friend or counselor to talk with you both. There's a lot going on psychologically there with your husband and his dynamic there and with you. Psychologists will be able to explain what happened mentally. I hope you choose to forgiveness. 🙏🏼

Thank you. The only reason I don’t feel foolish for staying this long is because of changed behavior. But it’s also like I’ve been looking for ANY REASON to leave him because of this one situation.. just anything at all.. and I don’t want to be like that because other than what his ex wife told me, he’s been a good man and a damn good husband. It also leaves me questioning if he does it genuinely or because he’s sorry for cheating on me..

Can I ask what the app is?

you’re right 💯 This isn’t healthy at all 🤦🏽‍♀️ He does treat me like a Queen NOW and I wish I could believe it’s because he genuinely loves me but it’s like every good thing he does, I have to wonder if it’s because he did something to cross me that I haven’t found out about yet. I wish I could just let it go. It shouldn’t matter but I think the fact that he could do it and then come back to my house and smile in my face like everything was good and then keep it from me for over a year.. it’s deceptive and it makes me constantly question what else isn’t real. He says it happened out of pity. She was pouring her feelings out about him moving on (even though they had been divorced 3 years) and he had been blowing her off, not listening to it but he finally listened and he went to comfort her and a kiss happened. After that day, he wouldn’t engage in conversation with her anymore.. didn’t want one on one anything with her if it wasn’t concerning the kids.Supposedly it meant nothing

he’s with you because he wants to be, he loves you i know it’s hard to see it because of that betrayal but he’s been open and honest with you after that and till this point in your marriage.. it might have been a weak moment men are dumb. You should look ahead you can’t keep stuck in the same place you don’t have to forget but give yourself grace and let that go for your mental abd emotional health. like my mom told me, forgive him one last time. that really stuck with me because the same thing happened with me, he kissed a lady and documented it one night when we were basically separated but fighting .. anyway you don’t have to keep picking everything apart. it is hard to believe but men don’t think like that some are sneaky yes and lie but chances are your husband did make a mistake

you’re right and that’s what it feels like.. like I’m being a warden. And I don’t want that. His ex wife said the same thing: that he “chose me” so I won. This is NOT the prize I was going for. Not that I was ever trying to be in competition with her. I just have to try to figure out how to move on from it. 8 months is very early in the relationship so I can take that into consideration.

I so wish that he could see this because that’s exactly what I said. Had he been the one to tell me, this would be a completely different situation!! But the fact that I had to hear it from HER and wonder forever if he would have ever told me if she hadn’t or if he would have just continued keeping it from me.. that thought will always be at the back of my mind. He said that you said.. that he realized how good of a woman I was and he didn’t want to lose me. I’m very much considering the counseling because I just need a clear mind and help letting it go. I want to forgive him but there are so many possibilities and trusting him would be so hard!

it’s MSpy.. we actually put it on his phone together and let me make the account. I can see everything that comes to his phone, even if it gets deleted. I can see all his pictures, screenshots, website browser history, app activity.. everything! It’s an app for parents to be able to see what their kids are doing on their phones so it doesn’t spare a single detail!

thank you for this!! You’re telling me what I’ve been trying to tell myself but I needed to hear it from someone else💯💕 your mom gave GREAT ADVICE 🥰 Yall are my village today and I’m thankful that you all responded!

Right? It’s so easy to obsess over if every moment was real and it’s weird to think but might not feel like it but yes every moment with you was real. I really wish your marriage healing and that you can find forgiveness towards him this is something I’m also working on. Don’t put too much pressure to forgive him in one day but the more the days pass by sooner or later you’ll see that he does show you every day that he is choosing you and thats what we’re looking for .. we’re just looking to see were we right about him or is he really what my brain is trying to protect me from? some times not every thing we think is right :) but that doesn’t make us dumb it makes us human.. women to be more exact lol

It's hard dating these days for women. So many guys out there are dishonest or they've had their own experiences with liars and cheaters. I'd consider what you're really sacrificing in both sides. There's no doubt in my mind that if you left him, you'd be pretty sad if you saw him move on to treat some other girl like a queen while you end up with something less. I don't say that to influence your decision - but to remind you of the realities that surround leaving. If he didn't treat you like a queen, I really do believe that he wouldn't be actively showing and proving to you every day that he is repentant. Men or heck people in general that aren't sorry or not changed in their hearts do not act like him. They all tend to yet be selfish and wound up in their own minds about how the relationship should be. I've spoken to couples that have had intercourse multiple times with their exes before their current marriage. That's devistating to the marriage. There is still so much hope here.

I had a VERY similar situation happen, where a dishonest event occurred early in my relationship and I didn’t find out until over a year later. I had a similar reaction to what you did, but I realized that I needed to get out or trust him. Because he demonstrated growth and had no other issues, I just decided I needed to get over it. And I did.

I concur!! And I wish the best for you in your relationship as well!!!

You said a MOUTHFUL!! It would really tear me apart seeing him give another woman the life he’s trying to give me so I absolutely will think of that moving forward! I agree that there is hope here. I just have to let go of what was and embrace what IS😌

That’s where I am now. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else. I’m ready to let it go. He’s given me changed behavior, reasons to trust and transparency. It’s time to move forward! I needed this talk!

I don’t actually really count that shit tbh

When did the ex wife tell you? Did you confront him and did he come clean about it then?

I completely symathise with how you are feeling, but just to play devils advocate here have you considered she might be trying to start shit between the 2 of you and is maybe jealous?

That's not to say she made it up, but perhaps she instigated it and that's why he then either wanted to call you or take you with him as maybe she made him feel uncomfortable?

Might not be the case but just another angle to consider!

Regardless of the act only being fairly miniscule, it's the lying/hiding it that is hurtful. It would be something I think I could eventually work past though if there was a good explanation.

it’s so funny that you would say that! You are absolutely right! Suspicions were raised when he started calling me while he was picking them up. I’m like.. I’m about to see them when they get here so why are you calling me. I would hear her inviting him in the house and he would be like, “I’m good. Y’all knew what time I was coming. They should be ready.” So I’m hearing this and I start looking at her sideways. Another time, she came to the door and she called him to come to where she was. He asked what she needed. She said, “I have something to give you.” So he goes to where she is and she gives him a picture of their daughter. His daughter then walks out and she’s like “Mom, you said I could give it to him.” So it became obvious that she wanted him to come close to her. Red flag.. I asked him about it. He said she keeps doing that. That’s when he asked me to start coming with him..

She told me while they were in the middle of a disagreement. When I looked at him, he immediately said, “That’s not what happened!” I didn’t give him a chance to explain initially because I didn’t think that was something I should have found out from her. It took a few days for me to come home and talk to him and he told me when and how it happened. I didn’t believe him and that’s when I spoke to her and she gave me the same version of it and said it was only a kiss. He was there and he said, “My wife thinks it went further than a kiss.” And she said, “Well that didn’t happen! We haven’t been alone with each other since the kiss.” The fact that he kept it from me hurt the most.

It definitely sounds like she is trying to create a wedge and it sounds like he's really doing his best to avoid her trying anything again.

It doesn't take away from the fact that he shouldn't have tried to hide it from you, but he probably felt extremely ashamed and it can be difficult to admit to these sorts of things bo matter how secure you feel in your relationship.

His efforts to avoid her since would be enough for me to forgive him for his silly mistake all of those years ago but I would be having a good chat with him about communication and how him hiding it has made you feel. I think it's also a good idea for the 2 of you to present a very strong united front to the ex wife and make it clear she isn't going to come between you and there is nothing left between her and YOUR husband.

Hope you can find some peace with this soon 🥰