My partner doesn’t seem to of “noticed” im pregnant

I’m 23 weeks pregnant, my partner isn’t the most emotional nor does he express emotions much but we can have a laugh and express emotions in that way so he’s not completely dry. I was unsure of having a baby with him although I love him very much I was always worried about if I’d feel like we were doing it together as he’s not very emotionally connected. He’s always wanted to have a baby with me and I’ve always wanted to have children since I was a little girl, I could not wait to become a mother and I’ve always looked forward to it. I happen to fall pregnant after coming off contraception due to health reasons and although in my mind I was unsure of having a baby with him I was so so excited and seeing that test is still one of the happiest days of my life. As a reminder, he is the one who wanted children but when I fell pregnant he took about 3 weeks to say he wanted to keep the baby. This broke my heart as I always expected the day I find out I’m pregnant I could share this special moment with someone and be excited about it, but this just ended up being an anti-climactic memory, the only memory I hold is those 5 minutes I in the world only knew and smiled to myself. Fast forward to now, I’m 23 weeks. We haven’t been shopping once together, he didn’t help me with the name as he said he’s “bad at names” he didn’t ever help me look for wardrobe and cot sets, we kept saying we’d go together and every time it got to the weekend nothing ever happened. I’m not the sort of girl to force someone to come with me places, if he wanted to involve himself in the pregnancy he would make sure we were there but nothing ever happens. It gets to the end of the weekend and he says he forgets but if you’re excited to something you look forward to it all week so how do you forget? I’ve done all the research, I’ve bought all there clothes and products so far, my dad has bought the buggy. He never mentions the fact I’m pregnant, he says things like “how can you talk about the same thing so much” when all I want to do is connect with him over it. He never touches my belly or talks to my belly. He only started touching it a little bit after my step mum asked him if he’d done it and he had to say no and looked like a bit silly because surely after 6 months of pregnancy you’ve touched my stomach once, but he hasn’t. I keep trying to bring up the baby but nothing comes from it, I keep asking him to get more involved, nothing happens, I tell him how I feel, he doesn’t know what to say. I said to him my whole pregnancy journey from the start has been destroyed and I’ve done everything on my own. What will I do when I enter my third trimester and I’m exhausted and I need someone to make me some dinner or help me clean, I have no one. I still have to run around after him. He does say we can get takeaways sometimes when I’m feeling tired but that’s not what me and my baby need, we need healthy home cooked food where possible, I don’t want a greasy pizza. I’ve been so upset about this and he blame’s my hormones, but anyone would feel the same and I see that as very toxic he’s saying I’m the issue. I don’t understand, he’s a nice man and does everything for me, he buys me nice things and takes me places but when it comes to this, there’s 0 affection here. What do I do? He’s one of those people who if you bring up an issue with them they get extremely defensive and angry, how do I bring this up for the 100th time and why is he being like this. Are some men just like this and as soon as the baby is born there instincts kick in?

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He might be scared however he should still atleast be there for you, try sitting him down and starting the conversation about something else then bring your baby up. Hope thus helps x

I think it would be very easy to jump on the ‘you deserve better, leave him’ train, however I understand it is not 1) that simple 2) what you need to hear. Are you on TikTok, instagram etc? I think sometimes we see how the idealistic partner should be, because majority of people will only show the things they want to show off which makes us endlessly question our own relationship. Some men are more traditional in that yes, I reckon their instincts and softness only kick in when they hold their baby in their arms, however it is still important for you to feel loved and validated. Has he been to your midwife appointments, have they expressed how important it is for the bond to be created through voice? I would maybe initiate going on a coffee date (so you’re away from the home environment) and have a deep conversation about the way you’re feeling. I am currently 31+2 weeks and would agree that it’s important you sort this now, before you get more uncomfortable!!

To a certain extent my partner was very similar. He never really felt my bump, never felt the baby move. Had no patience for it. I did everything with my parents etc for shopping and stuff. He had no interest in it. When I told him I was pregnant I got a "well that happened". I had so many moments with him where I just cried and felt like he wasn't excited or he wasn't looking forward to it. I have a step son too so it kinda felt to me that the baby just wasn't going to be as important as his son. He looked after me in terms of making sure I took my prenatals and he'd help me if I really asked him to but yeah. 0 affection there. Newborn stage was similar. Struggled with newborn stage because there's no reaction from them or interaction. His ex partner said he was the same in her pregnancy, and he admitted he's shit at the pregnancy and tiny baby stage. Fast forward, baby is 6 months old and he is truly the best and dedicated father to both.

For reference, my partner sounds very much similar to yours when it comes to affection and emotion. We have a great laugh and he's a lovely lovely lovely man who will spoil me and look after me and I know loves me. However, with emotion he can very much be a massive brick wall! Also, he LOVES kids. Always wanted them. Loves being with them, everything. Pregnancy and Newborn? Shit. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm reaching the point I can laugh at it now!

I think you are putting alot of pressure on yourself and maybe him. Enjoy the process of pregnancy 🤰 best you can. My husband was excited to have our baby but I did all the shopping alone and made most decisions about sleeping arrangements, bath methods etc. so it’s fine to take the lead when it comes to baby. Motherhood is already really hard, you don’t want to make it worse by having negative thoughts about the only other help you. Things always sort themselves out.

I really feel for you. Your emotions are 100% valid, it’s not just hormones. You’re doing everything on your own, and that’s exhausting. Some men do take time to connect, but that doesn’t mean your needs now should be ignored. It’s not fair that you have to keep asking for support and then get blamed or shut down. You deserve to feel loved, included, and looked after during this pregnancy, not just after the baby arrives. I know how much it hurts when the one person you want to share this with just doesn’t seem emotionally present. It leaves you feeling so alone in something that’s meant to be shared. Just try your best to stay happy and take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally. If you’re a social media person, don’t let it fool you into thinking everyone else has it perfect. Most people are struggling behind the scenes, even in marriages and families that look ‘rosy’ online. Sending you lots of love, mama❤️.

My partner is very similar he’s what I like to call emotionally stunted, he was there for me during pregnancy but not really there for me at the same time, although he was quite excited about having a baby he wasn’t quite there for me emotionally but he did really step up once I was in labour and has been a fab father to our daughter. My partner always says he’s very much a in the moment type of guy as in once the baby had come was when he really jumped right in, maybe your partner will be the same in that sense. I do understand that it can be quite isolating and make you feel alone right now, but you should surround yourself with friends/family who are excited and ensure the remainder of your pregnancy is happy and peaceful as your bubba can feel all the things you’re feeling. Fingers crossed that once your little one has arrived your partner will be much more involved and emotionally supportive of you. I know it’s so hard when it feels like they’re not really there mentally.

Please feel free to drop me a message if you ever need someone to chat to 🩷

Hi my partner sounds very familiar and I’m having slightly the same problem, if you ever want to chat feel free to message me or if you have instagram you can always message me on that to my account name is pullen624 I won’t share who you are as I know people like to keep things private , hope you get some advice that helps x

It sounds like he is scared and doesn't know how to engage with it! My partner was quite similar. He was desperate for a baby and then when it became a reality he almost shut down. He wasn't particularly great during the new born state either to be honest but as soon as he started getting some form of interaction from the baby he really came into his own and such a wonderful hands on Dad now. I'm now pregnant with our 2nd and the difference in him is stark! Nothing really changes for the men until the baby arrives whereas when we fall pregnant out while lifestyle has to change immediately, it just takes them a bit more time. Anyway, that's my thoughts

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