How to handle juggling toddler and newborn?

I’ve begun to think the only age gap that is ideal would be older that 5 or 6…some people say that range would start around 3 or 4 but I’m having a difficult time with my 4 year old. She often has melt downs when I can’t tend to her needs right away and gets upset when I have to help the baby first. I try to tell her to wait and be patient but she continues to cry.

And I feel guilty for being unable to meet them right away. Then she says she prefers going over to grandmas because over there her every need is met like my mom can get her anything right away when she asks but I’m sometimes tied up with the baby and I can’t do what my daughter asks right away.

So idk what to do, I’m struggling despite this being a preferred age gap or one people say is a bit easier. My daughter also has meltdowns because she doesn’t get along with my son’s dad. Her own dad has gone ghost and hasn’t reached out in a year. But my son’s dad can be overbearing like he’ll take her tablet away, because according to him she’s addicted to it or if she potties on herself(she still struggles w potty training). Then he just randomly does stuff that makes no sense and he upsets her mostly. Like just out of nowhere he’ll try to be playful and joking and I’m an adult so I can tell he’s just messing around but my daughter thinks what he says is for real and she gets upset/sad.

So I feel like they have an iffy relationship. Idk if I should try to reach out to my daughter’s dad to see if maybe meeting up w him again will make her feel more like she belongs somewhere? And how do I handle meeting her needs if the baby is screaming his head off to eat…?

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I have a 3 year old soon to be 4 whose attitude has changed a lot but is gradually getting better now that baby has been here for 6 weeks. He eventually understands after explain that baby can’t walk or talk or do anything on his own so mom has to help so give me a little time to let baby get his bottle(for example) then I’ll come and help you….don’t get me wrong he still cries when told to wait but not as bad as before…

I have started to let him help me out so he feels included. So if I need to change the diaper I’d let him to take out one for me, maybe choose baby’s outfit or hand me the wipes and so on, so maybe try including her when responding to baby, then once you’re through, tend to her needs. That way she’s not just sitting and watching you look after her sibling and not paying her any attention.

I hope that makes sense.

My 3 year old is having trouble as well, I totally understand. She's extra attached to me lately and gets soo sad when I cant put her to bed (like if dad is doing it because im breastfeeding).

We've tried to involve her more with the baby. It seems to help. So she picks out his clothes, helps with his bath, puts lotion on his legs, brushes his hair, throws his dirty diapers in the trash and gets a clean one, rubs his back when he is crying, stuff like that. She likes to be involved, it makes her feel important.

I also read that you should tell the baby that it's your older child's turn sometimes. Like when the baby is perfectly safe of course and you're able to play with the toddler or getting the toddler their dinner you can say "Okay baby, it's *toddler name's* turn. Mama needs to take care of *toddler name*"

That way they realize you are putting them first too. I have done it a few times, but my toddler doesn't seem to notice, LOL. But it feels like good advice!

ok thanks I appreciate the advice, I’ll start trying to include her when I’m tending to the baby and see if that helps her feel less left out

My toddler is younger but I try to make sure to tell the baby to wait til I’m done helping toddler

Even if the baby isn’t crying that way my toddler isn’t the only one being told to wait

Ex: “*babys name* I know you need your diaper changed but you have to wait your turn, I’m helping sibling with xyz right now”

I have a 4 year old and a 6 week old as well. I agree with the above post, even if the baby is happy and content, when I do something for the toddler, I tell baby "I'm getting brother breakfast right now so you'll have to wait" or if I was feeding/changing the baby and now the toddler needs something, same thing " ok baby, its toddlers turn for blah blah"
Once I started doing this he got a lot better. Now he says "tell brother . . ." Lol.
Also, definitely not always possible but "they" also say tend to the toddler first as much as possible, even if baby is crying, waiting 30 seconds and doing something for the toddler first goes a long way. The toddler will remember they had to wait, the baby wont

in our community

I've finally done it

I have finally done it. I have finally become the trope, the stereotype.

I have become bitter, resentful, and very overwhelmed and overloaded. I am very unhappy and hit burnout. And I snapped at my husband last night. I work full-time, and work has been very busy so im working late a lot. Im also in grad school. I also have a toddler that has become VERY clingy with me. My husband works shorter days but commutes, so he usually gets home after me by an hour or more. When he gets home, he usually heads to the restroom for at least 30 mins when he gets home. And now my toddler doesnt want anything to do with him. So im doing all the toddler duties until bed. I dont get 5 mins to myself. Not for almost 2 years. I finally hit my wall. I have also, somehow, become my MILs medical ride service and she somehow has an appt every week, it seems?! Shes not sick!! My husband was complaining that he needs to change routine to fit in a workout sometimes, and I lost it. I have been BEGGING for 5 mins to myself for months. I have been telling him how im not good, im going to burn out for months. And between his attitude and him complaining (which really got me b/c he blames me for not being able to work out?! Saying I need help when he gets home so he just cant workout now) I just lost it completely. I told him how unfair my life has become and I have the entire mental and emotional load and it is just not fair. He got mad at me and said "hes trying" when hes literally not trying at all. What do I do?? No one is taking the load from me! And im done and dont know what to do now.
I do not like this version of me.

AITA?

This isn't a major issue, just wondering if I'm being a bit of an asshole.

• I do shift work, 5 out of 7 days, full-time.
• My partner works from home (mostly, sometimes he goes into the office) M-F, full-time.

Anyway, whenever I have a day off during the week he gets in his feelings when I make myself food (breakfast and lunch) but not him. His reason is he's working, I'm not - Which is fair but I've asked him how many times on a weekend has he gotten up, on his day off and made me breakfast and a lunch to take with me to work? You guessed it, 0.

So basically, just because I'm at home I don't think the responsibility to feed him should automatically fall on me when he manages to feed himself just fine while I'm at work.

Avoidant husband

I love my husband and he is a good man. We have some issues in our relationship however, as he has an avoidant attachment style (finds romance/intimacy/being emotional difficult). This comes from him having to be independent from a young age and having quite an abusive mother.
The issues in our relationship are mainly around a lack of sex and intimacy. I think the problem is that to feel turned on, I need to feel connected and wanted. My husband (being avoidant) will usually make jokes about being horny whereas I would want to have someone make me feel beautiful/sexy to get in the mood.
It sounds terrible but I've sometimes had dreams about exes that would make me feel this way, and the romance we had (eye contact, intensity, deep words). It makes me feel really guilty but I feel like i'm starved of that. My husband would like a lot more sex but I can't always force myself if I'm not feeling it.
We've spoken a bit about therapy but I know its often really expensive so we probably wouldn't be able to afford it. Do you have any suggestions please? I know that neither of us are wrong in what we want, just different but I'm scared about whether we can fix it or if we're doomed?

Big vent!

Hi mums.
I'm a first time mum in my 40s to twin boys.They are almost 5 months old and the biggest miracle in my life!
I am struggling!!!
I'm pretty sure I have ppa as my pregnancy was a very high risk and all I remember was crying from anxiety of all the ifs!Thankfully even born at 35 weeks and skinny,didn't need iu time.
My husband is not helping much because he's always too busy with work.He will "look" after them usually between 8pm-12am so I can have a chance to sleep.
He expects me to just sleep when I touch the pillow,even though I hear tje babies crying and him don't really bother because most of the times he'll be on his laptop working.
When I tell him I can't relax to fall asleep because I feel you r neglecting the babies,he says I'm the problem becauae I'm always there with them and don't give them alone time!!
I am angry!!I am furious!!
I can't keep.up.with housework becauae someone alwaya neess me and most of the times they nap I either cook and clean tje kitchen,do laundry or try and take a quick nap.
He doesn't help.around the house,becauae..guess what?always super busy.
I asked him nicely we could clean the house together every Saturday morning so it's easier and quicker for both of us and he said no,because he has a lot of work but probably wants to sleep until 12 or 2.
2 days ago a button of his coat ripped and I told him I'll sew it these days.
Earlier this morning while running late for his work,as always,he weara the coat and told him didn't get the chance to fix the button and sarcastically said..of.course u didn't!!!
I spent all night awake because one of the babies had congested nose and we've been trying to reduce one fees at night.
I wanted to punch him!!He left and I started crying...I cry so much,even at 5 months pp...
I can't go on like this anymoreeeee...
The crying in my ears is constant..my head is always numb..I've gained so much weight and can't find the strength to get back on track..
Even if I try to.find a therapist to just talk,is it gonna help?I really don't know😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭