Birth Trauma/Feeling Guilty

I don’t have any advice for you. But I just want you to know, I see you. I hear you, and I feel the exact same way. I am also 9 months PP 🩷

No I don't think you're awful at all, I had a tramatic birth and as much as I love my son, I am very jealous that other women have had an easier time. I get panic attacks thinking about my birth and struggle not to hate those that had it easy. You're not alone, mama

I don't have much advice but I can't tell you I went through kind of the same thing. I had emergency C-section hemorrhaged and needed blood transfusions and was not able to walk. I didn't get to see my son for 3 days and my husband was the first one to hold him.
I was very jealous of that he got skin to skin before me and for a while it took me some time to get over that jealousy. I I would talk to him about it.
I still get jealous of other moms who talk about these amazing birthday experiences and how they want more kids and when I think about having more kids it comes into I don't want to die and leave my son alone because I almost did die.
It makes me really sad and I try to find some people with some of the same experiences as me to talk to about it I try to be happy for other people even though it can be very hard.
What I found that help me the most with it was finding groups of women who went through the same thing or feel the same way having someone to talk about it that understands what happened

I am almost 6 months pp and I cried reading ur post because it’s exactly how I feel and I thought I was the only one and Im trapped and have nobody to talk to about it 99% of the time I am just alone

I can relate to this so much! My little guy is 3! I think my perspective has changed dramatically because I’ve experienced 3 pregnancy losses and at this point I feel willing to go through anything to get my second child.

I also had a traumatic birth/emergency c-section & I’m here for you if you want to talk. I have the same emotions about it, and I definitely am grieving the birth I wanted for myself & my baby. I’m 5 months PP. It’s not your fault ❤️

I understand how you are feeling. I had almost three days of failed inducement so they sent me in for a C-section but I didn’t respond to my epidural - I felt the incision & still have nightmares about it. They knocked me out quickly & I just remember after that hearing them shout, “get the husband out” then nothing till I woke up in a recovery room alone with a nurse I had never seen before. No baby & no husband. Then after only a brief couple hours with our son he was rushed to the nursery & later to the closet NICU and hour away. I have a beautiful healthy 9 month old boy but I didn’t hear his first cry & I know I shouldn’t but I feel guilty for so much. Had I been stronger, been able to carry him to term… I am so glad it happened when it did because he was facedown in my cervix from the failed attempts to induce me much longer and he wouldn’t have made it. But I I do feel jealousy of other moms. I didn’t hold my boy first. I barely held him for the first 12 days of his life.

I felt the exact same way for a while!!! I’m 17 months PP now, and feel a lot better about it! But I would say it took at least a full year for me to grieve the birth journey I had hoped for. I had a 40 hour labor that ended in an emergency c-section and my baby was whisked off to the NICU for his first two days. It was so hard, and it stung so badly any time other moms would talk about how smooth their labor was.

It still stings a tiny bit now, but not nearly as much as it used to. You are not alone & it does get better!! I hope you’re able to open up to trusted people, they’ll probably be very willing to listen! ❤️

I had a cat 1 caesarean with my first 11 years ago, it took me a LONG time to get past and stop feeling so guilty.
Just last night I was thinking how he was alone for 30 minutes, still absolutely kills me. The first time I saw him he was wrapped up and in the little incubator next to me in HDU. So they'd dressed him and held him until he'd fallen asleep on my behalf. I know that they had cared for him, but it still wasn't the same.

I still have PTSD of being stripped on the table before being put under (wasn't in labour), it was 1 minute from me being put under to my son being born. It was definitely the worst in the first year and on my son's birthdays for a few years.

In terms of talking about birth experiences, I just didn't for a while. There's a great Facebook support group called birth trauma. You're not alone in your experience ❤️.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I actually reached a Facebook group and WhatsApp chat because my birth trauma is what motivated me to do it. If you want to join let me know 💕

Same here at 9 months pp. I wish I had endured the pain and did skin to skin. I am also just glad we are both alive. I am so annoyed with those people who repeat how important skin to skin is or how they did all those things pp and I should be able to.

I can totally relate

I can totally relate! I was induced after my waters broke and reached pushing after 35 hours of being induced. We thought we would get to meet him any minute and got taken into an emergency c section. They had to push him back up inside which gave me extended tears to my uterus. I was shaking so much and too drowsy and nauseous to hold him when they were stitching me up. Turns out all the pushing was strangling my son as his cord was wrapped 4 times around his neck. It’s not at all what I had imagined birth to be like.