I need some perspective

I’m really struggling. I’m pretty sure I’ve had pnd, if not still have it lingering. I wasn’t sure earlier in the year but I look back now and realise crying 15 times a day was not just baby blues. My baby is 10 months nearly. He’s very active, wakeful and never really slept more more than 3 hours at a time, even that is a good night. I feel like the shock to the system of having my baby has now led me to feel such a loss of freedom, independence etc. he’s my first. And probably only, which I feel sad for him about. I had a traumatic birth - emergency blood transfusion, very unwell. I’m still EBF and bedsharing. I just feel so let down by everyone, his two grandmas haven’t even been to see him for 7 months. There’s no village. He starts daycare in ha January, which in some ways I feel so desperate for the break. But then why did I have a child just to outsource everything? I will also feel sad when he goes there. Lately everything feels monotonous, boring and difficult. Changing him is almost a 2 person job, getting him dressed… feeding, just feels relentless. There’s no breaks. I am not sure if this is typical for his age or if he is particularly hard work. Or if it’s me, and I just can’t cope with the ‘normal level’ of hard that comes with a baby. He whinges a lot. Putting him in the pram he arches himself back cries. He is content too, but there’s a lot of whinging. I look at my old life and miss it. I have to go to bed at 7/8 every night. Sometimes I go downstairs but I rarely get more than an hour. So it feels pointless. I’ve not been out past 6pm all year. I don’t know if maybe this is just normal and many people are in this situation. I don’t see how I’ll ever stop breast feeding, he is on and off all night long. And I fear that stopping means he will never sleep, or we will be up all night. The breast is what works. People say all the time “oh this is a really hard stage” but I feel that this is all I’ve been hearing all the way through. Or worse, “it doesn’t get easier, it just changes” well what does that mean then for my life, is it just going to be a continuous struggle forever now? A woman today in a cafe said to me “oh this is the best age!… I don’t want to scare you but yeah it’s the best now” implying it’s just gonna get worse from now on. I mean I know it’s all subjective, some love the baby stage, some like older kids. It’s not possible to measure what ‘easier’ means I guess. I just really feel so burnt out and almost hopeless about it ever really feeling any easier. I crave a day of doing nothing. I’m exhausted. Even if my partner takes over at the weekend, I can’t relax in my own house the same way I would if I was alone. Yea they can go out for a bit but it’s not the same as a real break. My baby shouts and is very vocal as well. With the BF I feel so overstimulated too. I’m not sure what I’m even posting this for really. I just wonder whether anyone has any insight or perspective for me. I also hear people say once he’s in day care and once you go back to work it’ll be better. That just sounds depressing. I’ve had a baby to feel better when someone else looks after him and I’m working? Anyway thanks for reading this long post if you go to this point. Every day feels so so hard right now.

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Everyone's experience with babies is different and they try to extrapolate their experiences to everyone. For me the early days were awful. I had PPD too and PPA. I love spending time with my year and a half old son. Not every day is easy but it's so SO much better than it was in the beginning. It's so overwhelming to go from zero to sixty. About the outsourcing... It's important for parents to have time to themselves and important for kids to get exposure to other kids and adults. It only enriches your time together.

Everything is a phase and every phase passes, including breastfeeding and waking all night.

Ugh hun I’m sorry that all sounds like a lot! I totally get the missing the freedom of life before kids, we have one who’s 9 months and trying to figure plans around her naps or not being able to run an errand or browse a store bc she’s in a bad mood can be a lot especially when I just need a break from being home. I would see if you could go do an overnight at a hotel for a reset. I think a solid night of sleep might help more than you think. I know you mentioned ebf but maybe you can try to pump so they have some bottles to allow you that freedom.

Bf was the one thing that mentally took me out, and her in our bedroom. I’d wake up to every sound she made so at 7 weeks we moved her to her crib so I could get better quality sleep.

Hey, you sound tired and need a giant hug. Can your SO help you out more or can you hire a babysitter for a few hours a day few times a week? I know you said you are BF…do you pump? If you have pumped milk, your SO can feed him or even you can feed him pumped milk . BF is stimulating and since you cannot tell how much baby has drank, it seems like a constant BF session all day.

You will find your groove again, focus on the small wins with your son . Try meditation apps or listen to podcasts? Heck, go in the bathroom and sit alone for 30 mins and do some self care. Try to take a few mins for yourself daily.

Hey, I think your situation is similar to mine, except my husband was never considerate enough to give me any time on the weekend. Still doesn't and I now I'm pregnant again and have 2 already. Honestly, as much as everyone encourages BF, I stopped both at 1 year. It's def a life changer. My first son stopped easily, I started off by decreasing the daytime feeds, then only fed him to sleep. My 2nd I also decreased daytime feeds but I went cold turkey on him at night, I was miserable. It was really hard for about a week, but finally got semi full nights of sleep.
Mine aren't in daycare and I can't do it to them, my 1st always says he doesn't want to go and is sad if I leave him. But I keep thinking the break would be so welcome.

EBF is a lot. I'd recommend combo feeding with formula over pumping, because pumping takes more time & energy than bf. Cosleeping is also a whole thing. If you love it, continue on. However, if you need the time & space to yourself, or if you're planning to go back to work, do the sleep training. It does work. No advice about daycare (you know your finances), but if possible, try to not make changes with feeding, sleep, and daycare all at once. I think it would be good for you to have a better support system too. Just because you go back to work, doesn't mean you won't be crying 10 times a day... You need a place to offload your stresses and burdens. If it's not a collection of partner, close friends, & family members, then you need a therapist. This sh*t is real. It does get easier. I'd say 18mo-2yo is the turning point. 'Easier' means you can go for longer periods of time where they can entertain themselves without you having to worry about physical danger or inconsolable crying. Also more sleep. gl 🍀

I just want to comment and say you are not alone and i relate to this.

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Is it just me or does anyone else have major anxiety when it comes to their husband taking care of themselves in that way? I never really had this problem with any other partner but now I get upset thinking he might be doing things alone. He admitted to doing it in the shower while I was 1 week pp and I broke down sobbing. Before having baby I wanted it 24/7 and still kinda do but he didn’t need it as much as I did. I always felt self conscious about it and tried to not be as needy but after having the baby it seems like he wants it more but we have no time to do anything. I feel awful for getting upset when he takes care of himself but I get so anxious and feel not good enough. I tried explaining to him how I felt but it always ends in a fight. I feel defeated and now every time he showers or is away from me I think he’s doing it… help

My in laws hate me

I had a falling out with my MIl earlier in the week and I’ve now discovered some horrible messages sent from her to my husband following this. Along the lines of that I’m controlling and that I’m from a broken home (I’m not) and that my previous mental health issues (an eating disorder that I’m 8 years recovered from) make me a certain way. She’s warned him to be careful of me. I’m so hurt, upset and angry. I can’t tell him that I’ve seen them but I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 4 years and coming up to our first wedding anniversary with a 10 month old. The damage is done and I’ll never want anymore to do with them but how can we move forward when it is this broken and damaged. If his family now hate me. I’ve had a really tough week with my baby teething and I just want to walk out the front door and run away

Do you let your close family (mom/grandmother/sister) take your child(ren) shopping?

I'm very close with my family, and I do trust them. But everytime I let someone take my 2.5yo shopping I just get this overwhelming anxiety... I just keep imagining someone taking my daughter and I can't get it out of my head... It takes over my whole brain and I can't do anything, I end up having to doom scroll or something to take my mind off it so I can function... I don't know if this is normal or not

Am I being too sensitive?

It’s my birthday today. My husband reassured me he would let his work know in advance he needed to be working locally so he could be home at a decent time for my birthday. The plan was a day to myself & then go out for dinner with my husband.

He now isn’t due to be home until around 8pm due to working 2.5hrs away. This is all because he didn’t inform work he needed to be home at a reasonable hour, despite me reminding him multiple times this week.

I’m now unable to book my favourite restaurant in case he experiences travel delays (my anxiety means I have to always book just in case). I know this isn’t a huge issue, but I’m pregnant & I’m craving food from this particular restaurant so much (and I’ve had BAD food aversions to a lot of food)!!

I also told him I’m upset because I’m going to be alone all evening. He said I should see my friends, but I don’t have the energy to. My friends also don’t know I’m pregnant yet as we’re waiting until our 12 week scan tomorrow…so being around them would be impossible when I’m feeling rubbish!

I’ve been alone all day (which doesn’t bother me), but being alone basically most of the evening too just makes me feel rubbish. It’s even more annoying because it was completely preventable. My husband has apologised and said he didn’t think working where he was working today was going to cause problems, but I’m just mad he didn’t initially listen and speak to his office out of precaution.

Am I overreacting (maybe from pregnancy hormones lol) or would this annoy you too?

1 month old - what should we be doing daily?

My son is about 4.5 weeks old. Most days he just sleeps on my chest most of the day, which I am okay with but I don't want to miss out on anything we should be doing. My son gets overwhelmed very easily so we usually do one "activity" a day max right now (such as bath, long walk, or having visitors). We do tummy time at least every other day, try to do every day. I read to him, sing to him, and of course talk to him. Is there anything else ya'll are doing with your LOs?

Leaving the house

Hey! Would love some advice.

I am almost 8 weeks postpartum, and had a tricky delivery, being in and out the hospital for the first 3 weeks (due retained placenta after my c section- hospital f-up, and issues with shortness of breath- which was investigated and anything serious was ruled out)

My husband has been back at work since week 4 and i have not left the house. I won’t leave unless he or someone is with me. Not even for a short walk. I have been out for appointments, but always with someone.

There isn’t much to do locally and it’s not a very nice area to go for a walk in.

I have friends with babies slightly older who want to meet up outside, but that would mean driving and finding a place i feel comfortable unloading baby from the car and having somewhere i can comfortably breastfeed.

I honestly don’t know if this is normal or if i should be pushing myself more.