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IT'S A POLL WORLD! 🙋🏽‍♀️

How do you handle ppd/depression?

I have 2 kids, my youngest is 3 months. I had an awful upbringing littered with abuse of all kinds, no support and a social worker who would look the other way/tell our abuser what we reported to them and get us beat even more.
Well due to this me and my siblings are a little messed up emotionally although none of us have turned out horrible we struggle and dont ever talk about our upbringing for whatever reason.
Having my 1st was a challenge i obviously didnt know what to expect and ive always been hormonal so this hit hard, i tried to get help but honestly all the gos ever did was prescribed anti depressants, i didnt want to take them and still wouldnt want to due to the type and my age id be taking the ones that make you suicidal and i know i cant handle that and i told them as much so they added me to their waiting list for therapy, and nearly 4 years later ive been on multiple waiting lists for various therapies whenever o get thru im told this isnt the best fit and i need a different version often with a waiting list of over a year, eventually after having my 2nd i looked into affordable private counselling, i have found one but still yet to hear back.
Im hopeless. I feel awful all the time i dont think ive been able to enjoy anything with my newborn or even my pregnancy because i was so ill all the way through. I had been doing so well with my toddler and thought i was in a better place mentally but having another baby threw me well off. I hate who i am now, and i am so sad that my baby hasnt seen me happy. Although im an emotional person i dont cry often, before my newborn i hadnt cried for YEARS (if we cried when we got hit as kids it would be so much worse so none of us cry) now im crying weekly, uncontrollably thru the day i feel a mess. Any advice would really help thank you
My children are doing very well if anyone was worried, im not in a place where im unsafe just always sad and guilty. I have done all i can to ease the load my toddler is in nursery part time and my mum comes over twice a week, my brother once and my toddler also goes to his dad 2 days a week all of this although it helps makes me feel even more guilty because i feel like i cant handle my own life atm