Moms who are the default, how would you tackle this?

If you've never told him what to do how is he supposed to know, most men will do what there told if you ask them to do it nicely. They just dont think about the same things moms think about. Just bring it up nicely like "next time will you wash the dishes while im out" or " make there lunches" its not that they dont want to help because if hes a good husband and dad he'll do it no complaints most the time men just need a little push its not that they dont want to its just they think about different things

Men aren’t a different species, if they can see dishes need doing then they should have done it.
It’s absolutely weaponised incompetence and you shouldn’t need to tell him basic things.

But to answer your question, I’d be fuming personally.

I'd let those dishes pile ✌🏼

When you got back at 11pm, what was your husband doing? Asleep also? Playing video games? Watching TV/on his phone?

What was his plan for the dishes/lunchbox and lunches for the next day? Ask him. Make him say that he had no intention of doing it and it was left for you because of what reason? He sees washing dishes as beneath him? He thinks it’s ‘your job’? You need to find out the real reason why he’s doing a half-assed job.

He is awake

Hey baby
I’m wondering. Typically after 8:15 (we/i) clean the kitchen. I’m curious what happen tonight?

Ohh got cha. Well can (we/you) do that now?

I just tell my husband before I leave don't forget to do the dishes, pack the lunches, etc. And what times kids go to bed, and what they need to sleep with. Like the toddler has to have her glow worm. The middle needs her water bottle and night light. I usually end up leaving a note or sending a text too. Just as a reminder since he doesn't usually do the night routine

This definitely sounds like your a stay at home mom and your husband has no idea what you do day to day. I would definitely talk to him and express that you were upset to come home after your first night away and the only responsibility you got a break from was getting the kids to sleep. Maybe even say hey I know your not usually in charge of the night shift or getting oldest ready for school but I need this (pack lunch) to make morning time easier.

Most husbands don't think about the small details that keep the world turning. Next time you go out, give him instructions of what you want done. In a nice way such as "the kids like... For their lunch at school. Can you make it please?"

I do the majority of the housework. Cook tea, lunches and sort out random things like dentist and birthdays etc. Hubby will help with housework and do school runs but unless it's spelled out for him exactly what I want him to do whilst I'm at work, it won't get done. He will do the washing up on his own accord cause I flat out refuse if I'm doing all the cooking. It helps me that he has ocd so he can't stand mess & I will let him do as much or as little as he likes but if I don't have time, it won't get done.

My husband is an amazing man and works exceptionally hard to keep our little bubble afloat. But he also thinks that magic fairies sort Christmas out and vaccinations for our pets. There's no in-between xx

I’d be so frustrated! I’d also absolutely be making him do his part, he can get up earlier and sort the kitchen and lunches.
But I would just go for an honest conversation, you deserve to have an evening off and not come back and have to then do everything you’d normally do in the evening anyway

If you have to hold a man's hand and tell him what to do he is probably not a man but an extra child. Too many women are willing to continue the poopooing and it's hurting the world. They can burn the world down but they can't see the fucking dishes in front of them? Yeah right.

My kids dad always pulled this stuff and now has to do stuff all alone and manages to get it done other than I hear sometimes about running out of clothes.

I always wonder in these cases how these men were raised ? Did their mum do everything for them ? Did they have any level of responsibility at home ? I have genuinely never had an issue with my partner. I could disappear off the face of the earth and he would know exactly how to get shit done and run this house and look after our baby because he does it daily. But he didn't just start taking responsibility as an adult, he has always had to from young so this isn't new news 🤔

My husband's OCD will not leave a single dirty dish in the sink, especially when cooking, but that said... we don't keep score of who does what. It feels transactional. Maybe it works for some but for us it would just cause resentment. If I came home one evening and dishes were piled in the sink I would figure my husband was just exhausted that particular evening and do them. I'd think there must be a good reason they didn't get done, because under normal circumstances we both always put in the effort for both housework and childcare. If it falls short one evening we know it will get caught up tomorrow.

I wouldn’t be bothered. I’m not perfect and neither is he. We both do things in different ways and he doesn’t expect me to do things his way and visa versa x

With the exception of the dirty dishes, I personally wouldn’t dwell on it especially if it is something that is not normally his responsibility. My husband forgets to feed himself half the time so if the kids were fed and asleep when you got home, I’d take it as a win!

Where i would be frustrated is if the kids were still awake and rambunctious when I returned!

I also have a wonderful and supportive partner who is, nonetheless, still a man who wasn't raised to be aware of all of the things I was raised to be aware of as a woman (like picking up clutter, etc) and probably would have done the same as your husband. I was JUST talking to him about this and I framed it as an issue of simply not having the same radar/training. Because I know he WANTS an equal partnership and doesn't want me to be overloaded I told him I'm going to make a list of the things that are on my radar, which means that if he doesn't do them I will. Doesn't mean he needs to do all of it but if he doesn't want me to have to do it all then he needs to check the list and do what he thinks is fair. That way we're both working with the same information about what needs to get done and it's not on me to ask him to do his part.

A man who needs to be told to help is a man child (im speaking from experience) my ex husband expected me to do everything after giving birth to my eldest. I had the nurovirous with a baby he sat their on games still expected me to do everything in the house including his tea baby bottles and feed the dog. Where advice now my partner of 14 years works helps with everything tells me when im doing too much and is very present with kids and doesn't expect things to be done by just me. In our house we are a team. He has come home from a night shift many times and helped me as I needed to go to work and sleep. So no not all men need to be told.