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Mamas with depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

Anyone else feel just worthless and completely alone....

Dgmw i love my bub & partner more than anything but lately nothing else can seem to go right for me.. I feel like all I do is chores and shitty responsibilities 24/7 and never get a break to do anything for myself or even have someone to talk to & my bub isnt even born yet..
Like im so drained spending all week PLUS weekends just doing work and ending up so burnt out i just cry in my car for hours because I feel so alone. And I know "once the babys born its always work" but its not the same as just having to do shitty chores / unpack and sort through junk 24/7 while trying to keep everyone else happy & keep my stress down. I litterally have no one so any time i do have spare im just stuck in my head crying and having to think how alone Ill always be. Dont have friends that bother with me & the very very little family i have cant acknowledge how much Im struggling / doing litterally everything i can to not be so overwhelmed because I just dont deserve anything good. I just feel worthless and barely get quality time with my partner either because of his work hours (and i know he works hard like i dont blame him for that at all- he does a lot for us to have a good life but i just feel like i have fk all emotional support but if i say that it makes him feel useless so tey to jsut keep ot to myself) then by the weekend im so mentally burnt out that I dont want to bother him with my stress after hes dealt with stress all week..
Hes close with his family so hes over there a lot where as i just dont feel welcome/ they tend to invite him not us, & I feel like once bub is born theyre just going to want him and the baby to always go over while I just sit at home miserable by myself and Im just not okay with that.. I mean I really wanted to get along with his sister because hes close with her but she doesnt acknowledge me and barely responds if i speak to her.. only his sisters bf (that also struggles with a bit) & his brother make an effort with me, I mean his parents are always nice to me but it feels more out of obligation & I dont know if im just overthinking it.
Everything I do I just get fkd around and then go into this cycle of self hate and blame. Litterally feel like the only reason im alive is to keep bub alive im so exhausted from the lonliness and having no one, it doesnt even make a difference if I make an effort because im not this 24/7 bubbly 'constantly positive about everything' person because of excessive external stress inducing bullshit so people just sees me as negative and unreasonable because "i should just be happy that I have a loving partner and a baby on the way that ive wanted for 10 years" like I am happy ABOUT THAT but its not the only factor to life I cant just rely on one person for happiness.. No one even can even grasp that "sometimes hormones make people sad even if its over something 'stupid'" and instead of trying to help or reassure me it gets turned into a "same" competition (as if how dare I have feelings because other people also have feelings?)
I litterally cant even be upset without being an inconvenience to people its like its somehow impossible to grasp that a high risk pregnancy + mental illness makes me feel worthless sometimes and I just want the smallest bit of understanding that no one can seem to comprehend? Like how is it impossible to understand that sometimes I just need understanding and emotional support? If I ever say how I feel it gets met with "same" and if say im sorry you dont feel great, can i do anything? All i meant is its just a bit different than high risk pregnancy + hormones + exacerbated mental health (because my medication no longer works at the dose it used to) and people take that as "OHH SO MY STRESS DOESNT MATTER BECAUSE IM NOT PREGNANT THANKS!!!!" and that just makes me feel unreasonable for having feelings? I mean its a lot harder than just " a stressful day" or "my boss is being a dick".. ive always struggled but add pregnancy and its x10.. Like im not dismissing other peoples stress and im always there for everyone else, i just point out its not "same" when im invalidated because im trying to get a spec of understanding which apparently no one has.. I mean my partner is the best human i know but his brain works differently to mine because he had a childhood & didnt have to deal with all the shit I did so its hard for him to understand, and i get that I dont expect him to just fix everything for me but I cant evem seem to make friends even when I hide my stress and make an effort to be there for other people.. even on here people will talk to me a few times but im socially awkward so they all eventually just stop talking to me. Like i can deal with stress and Im happy with my partner & our future but having no friends and next to no family? Lonliness just leaves my brain all this time to overthink and hate myself even when its unreasonable I mean Ive had trauma since before I could even speak, my childhood was so fkd that my brain switched into safety mode and didnt learn whats normal, then I spent the next 2+ decades being traumatised more including 3 years of being a hostage and I litterally just get told by everyone "well thats not your life anymore so you shouldnt be like this" as if brain pathways just magically change after 30 years of trauma? I always get told that with post partum people either disconnect from the baby or take it out on their partner but with me I know its going to be me feeling like I just dont deserve my baby or my partner because I already feel like that. I mean if I had friends even just 1 or 2 that I could do things with it wouldnt be this hard but I dont have that & any free time I have is just stuck in my head giving myself shit because I blame myself for no one wanting to know me unless I just endlessly give while not being cared about at all.
I know my brain makes everything bigger than it probably is but Ive never known anything else & have no distraction other than shit that mentally drains me. Like I just want one or two friends that can reciprocate understanding and care but ive never been able to find that in anyone that lives anywhere near me so my life is extreme unnecessary stress on top of stress. Add that ive had cats for 10 years but cant even give them the environment and attention i used to be able to, i tried to rehome them to no-kill organisations and rehoming groups that could take both of them which breaks my heart so much - not because i dont want them or love them but because they deserve more than I can give and I just got abused for it with the typical "would you rehome your child cause thats the same thing youre horrible and I hope karma gets you for trying to abandon these poor babies!!!!". Im just trying so hard to do whats best for everyone else that I have nothing left for myself. Everyones advice is be kind to yourself but I dont even know how when theres constant crap showing me that I dont deserve kindness or peace and then it goes back to feeling like I dont even deserve this baby i already love so much, I mean what if im just never good enough and feel like im constantly failing him and my partner because im too shit to even make a friend.. ive said things like this before and get people saying theyll be my friend/ I can talk to them but they just vanish after a few chats (and thats WITHOUT me complaining about anything and just trying to make a genuine connection..)
Sorry for the negative rant.. decades of lonlieness and not feeling good enough just hurts so f*ing much and it have no idea how to change it because my best is never enough. I even had surgery and got zapped in the brain over 500 times to try and help my mental health which didnt make a dent, have spent hundreds of thousands to get help but nothing works & nothing i do is ever good enough.. no one can see how hard I try and that this level IS me keeping it together as much as I can..
Please dont comment if you think im being dramatic because I just cant take any more "try harder life isnt easy" when im genuinely doing everything I possibly can.. just needed to vent but as always feel like shit for complaining