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30 & Older Moms

Parental alienation

I think my mum is a narcissist. She has turned my 2 teen daughters against me. I had my first daughter at 19. I had no friends because all my friends were out doing what 19 year olds do and I realised that I no longer had anything in common with them. I relied heavy on my mum for company and support with my child. She had my child while I worked. My child’s dad was always out drinking and doing drugs. She’s all that I had. She would do things that I knew felt wrong but whenever I would question her for them she would threaten to not have my daughter while I go into work again. For example she would ask my daughter who was about 4/5 at the time ‘do you want to sleep at nanny’s tonight?’ And if my daughter said ‘I’m going to stay with mummy tonight’ my mum would have rage. She would say ‘don’t bother coming round to see me again.’ My daughter would panic and agree to sleep because she didn’t want to lose the other main carer in her life, her grandparent as they were obviously very close. Other times if my daughter sat on my lap or hugged me In her house my mum would get angry and say ‘I don’t know why you bother to come round and visit me if you are going to be all over your mum the whole time!’. She would punish my daughter by withdrawing her love everytime my daughter showed any natural affection toawards me. It was emotional blackmail. I wish I knew more back then avout what was happening and I wish that I made a stand. I was young and stupid and naive and had no one else. My mum would also get my daughter to repeat this mantra infront of family members ‘when im 16 im going to move in with nanny and grandad’. And everyone would laugh. I wish I knew bavk then about the powers of suggestion and the subconscious mind and conditioning and brainwashing. I had no idea. As my daughter got older my mum would talk badly about me to my daughter and validate and reward my daughter for also talking badly about me. Everything was a competition. She’d say ‘it’s a good job I did this’ or ‘are my dinners better here?’.
Then when she couldn’t cause enough of a divide she found my weakness. I have adhd, and organisation is not something that comes naturally to me. She would boast about having a better system in place for laundry but then when I worked really hard to be better at organising and laundry and I improved, she started keeping my daughters school uniform. Then she’d deny having it. This would cause my daughter to be so angry with me. This has continued for years and now the same for the uniform and talking badly about me with my other daughter. The amount of times I asked for my daughters’ uniforms and gets angry and says it’s not there, then I go to her house and find it in with her other clothes that she’s also washed, dried and ironed. (My daughters go to her house and take of the uniform and change into other clothes) I have tried to put my foot down with the uniform for years with my girls and my mum. Everyone acts like I’m mental. I have bought extra uniform- way more than any child needs. It all disappears. Even the school must believe that I don’t give my daughter uniform because they actually donated her some trousers. This was not needed as I have trousers. It doesn’t matter how many times I catch my mum red handed with the uniform after she had said that she doesn’t have it, she doesn’t stop. Even my sister witnessed it once and she just turned the other way and said nothing. Then another occasion I tried venting to my sister through text to say that I’m at my wits end in regards to the uniform. And she replied that I neglect my girls and that our mum washes it because I don’t. How can I wash something that is not in my house. I manage well with my own clothes and my 3 year olds clothes. He has clean clothes every day for nursery. The only clothes I can’t do is my daughter’s. I have begged my mum to please not wash her her clothes and give me them in a bag and I’ll wash them. And she just ignores me. I have tried punishing my daughter for leaving the uniform there. Nothing works because my mum takes away all consequences for my girls. If I ground them they pick them ip and take them to their house. If I take away phones as a punishment my mum gives them devices. I get called neglectful and abusive. Now my eldest daughter is my mums puppet. She abuses me the most. She is has also been turning my other daughter against me. My heart is broken. I am grieving for children that are still alive. Everytime I try to parent my middle child/daughter my eldest calls me abusive. Everytime I ask her define exactly what I have done that is abusive she can’t say. The only thing I do is raise my voice or take away phones or restrict going out but my punishments are short and sweet. I always give time to redeem them selves. I’m not strict. When my girls were younger, if I ever asked my girls to pick up after themselves my mum would call me lazy and tell my girls that it’s my job. She has made them think that I’m an awful mother. Their dad is an alcoholic who dies drugs and he gaslights and lies. He’s awful. My mum is pushing them closer to him by making them believe e that I am bad. I tried to make a stand against him before, and both my girls turned on me. For years whenever my eldest daughter who moved in with my mum when she was 16, decided to come over to my house for dinner or spend time with me my mum would fall out with her over something else and tell her to pack her bags. My daughter now subconsciously feels unease around spending time with me. My mum also tries to turn my girls against their 3 year old sibling my son and my partner (his dad) and my partners 3 other children. My mum has also created divides with me and my sister and me and my dad. She sometimes gets jealous of my 2 daughter’s relationship too. My eldest daughter is turning my other daughter against me and she thinks she’s protecting her. I don’t feel like I can seek any professional help because my mum, dad and girls pretend that I am mental. I am scared of a professional believing them. I know that I need to just heal from all this abuse and gaslighting and be the best version of myself for my 3 year old and to prove them all wrong and destroy my mums narrative. But how do I deal with the grief and the anger I have towards my mum. She’s stolen so much from me. I’ve had a few mental breakdowns in the past due to this abuse and this just plays into my mums hands so I need to heal. The only thing that helps me feel stronger is radical acceptance. I think my girls are too brain washed to see me truly. I could deal with the smear campaigns and dealing with the embarrassments of many people being told lies about me. I had to accept losing my eldest daughter date fighting for years for her to come back. But now Ive lost my 2nd daughter. Please be nice in the responses. I had backlash once for using the word narcissist about my girls dad. People assumed I was just a bitter ex. Yes I I know that this word is used loosely but trust me when I say I fully understand the meaning of it and do not use it lightly. Also understand that my girls now gaslight me the most and will lie about me and throw me under the bus in a heartbeat. So it’s not that simple as getting support or taking my daughter away. My eldest has contacted my other daughter’s school in the past.