Am I the asshole here? What should I do?
Ok, so I need some mum advice please. I’m 33F and mum to an adorable 5 month old boy. Over very much become the default parent in our house. My finance (M36) works full time while I work 3 days a week and stay home the other 2 week days and look after our son. I am also currently enrolled and studying at university to get my degree. I don’t mind being the default, the reality is I spend more time with our son, so it makes sense that it would naturally happen. But today I tried to have a conversation with him about how I feel like I’m drowning in the mental load of running our house and looking after our son. I said to him that I needed him to just listen to me, and try to not get defensive because my goal was not to attack him or make him feel like shit, just that I need him to try and understand that it feels like I’m doing most of this on my own. For context, he does not take initiative at all when it comes to our son or housework. He relies on me to tell me what needs to be done, like when feeds need to happen, or naps or what kind of solids he can have, when bedtime needs to happen (which involves him having a shower with our son each night) he’s never the one to instigate these tasks. And from a housework point of view, about the only thing he “owns” is mowing the lawn and even then that happens rarely. I do the cooking and cleaning, I wash our bedding, do all the grocery shopping and make sure the animals have food and their medications.
Anyway, me asking for no defensiveness did not work and he immediately got angry that I would even bring it up. Whenever I have tired to have conversations like this in the past, it’s inevitable that he will bring it back to money. That’s his reason “you don’t understand the financial stress I’m under, I work full time so that I can pay our mortgage and the electricity and gas and water bills”. And this is true, I don’t contribute financially to our mortgage or the utility bills, but I do pay for our sons childcare and 90% of the groceries including formula and nappies, as well as all the babies clothes and accessories like bottles, his toys and bedding.
I don’t feel like what I’m asking is unreasonable. Today he told me “you’d be homeless if it wasn’t for me” and that nearly broke me. I don’t feel like I have a team mate or a partner in this anymore, it feels like he expects me to just lump it because he pays for the house and I should be grateful. I don’t have any family support in the same state as us and I have no close friends here either. I don’t know what to do. Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to contribute more at home?
Baby daddy battle (I need help)
My daughter, Anita. Her biological father has never been in the picture, from when I was 3 months pregnant, until thanksgiving in 2024. When he came back, on Christmas to see her for the first time, ever since that specific Christmas, he claims I haven't taught him anything, (my daughter had a G-Tube, from feeding slower than other babies. And was in the NICU for 74 days, I brought her home on Halloween of 2024.) when I taught him, diapers, food, her tube, (how to clean and change it) and even how to do her bottle correctly. He however refused to do the tube, bathe her, feed her, and even change her unless I was begging for it. (He only changes peed diapers that ik of rn.) Since January of 2025, him and I have been on and off the entire year, he really left near Christmas. He came back, and again would shame me for my mental health, even though he's in and out of her life, and even when we were together, it was me doing everything and anything for my child, (he wasn't in the delivery room either, he was in another state) my daughter was also born at 33 weeks, via C-section for my water breaking earlier than expected. We had a really massive talk, and I had explained, how it was always me, and she barely knows him, as he wouldn't do anything for her, and only really saw her when we were dating, and together, I also mentioned, everything I do for Anita, how he hasn't bothered checking in, and chooses another baby his gf had rather than his own, his response was "I didn't want to be a dad" and "it's better if she doesn't know me as her dad" (I do have the ss Incase he wants this to go to court) the thing is. He isn't on the birth certificate. Or even someone to call Incase of an emergency. I am playing both parents for her. He texted me the other night, saying he wanted to see her, or he'd take me to court. I decided this last chance, I've set boundaries for him and his gf (who's moving in) I have set I know the plans 24/7 if he cancels, and how I do NOT want his gf immediately in the picture, and I want him to have time to Anita for himself (12 days total) before they meet each other, (mind you, he rather drive 4 hours for his gf and her child for months, rather than his daughter who lives 15 minutes away from him. I guess I'm asking if I'm crazy for setting so many boundaries for her biological father, and his gf and her child, for my daughter's health, well being, and the way to feel loved equally? (His gf has threatened me before, and he has also done the same with calling CPS. Which idk why he would, other than the fact I have diabetes, and a heart condition that makes it difficult for me to work, and I stay at home,) (I also do get money for the government, which I've divided between my daughter and I, she gets spoiled like crazy, while I also get food, water, and gifts for her and dinner at restaurants.) Am I being a helicopter mom? A bad mom? Or a bad person in any type of way for what I have set (I didn't name all of them btw.)
