Am I the asshole here? What should I do?
Ok, so I need some mum advice please. I’m 33F and mum to an adorable 5 month old boy. Over very much become the default parent in our house. My finance (M36) works full time while I work 3 days a week and stay home the other 2 week days and look after our son. I am also currently enrolled and studying at university to get my degree. I don’t mind being the default, the reality is I spend more time with our son, so it makes sense that it would naturally happen. But today I tried to have a conversation with him about how I feel like I’m drowning in the mental load of running our house and looking after our son. I said to him that I needed him to just listen to me, and try to not get defensive because my goal was not to attack him or make him feel like shit, just that I need him to try and understand that it feels like I’m doing most of this on my own. For context, he does not take initiative at all when it comes to our son or housework. He relies on me to tell me what needs to be done, like when feeds need to happen, or naps or what kind of solids he can have, when bedtime needs to happen (which involves him having a shower with our son each night) he’s never the one to instigate these tasks. And from a housework point of view, about the only thing he “owns” is mowing the lawn and even then that happens rarely. I do the cooking and cleaning, I wash our bedding, do all the grocery shopping and make sure the animals have food and their medications.
Anyway, me asking for no defensiveness did not work and he immediately got angry that I would even bring it up. Whenever I have tired to have conversations like this in the past, it’s inevitable that he will bring it back to money. That’s his reason “you don’t understand the financial stress I’m under, I work full time so that I can pay our mortgage and the electricity and gas and water bills”. And this is true, I don’t contribute financially to our mortgage or the utility bills, but I do pay for our sons childcare and 90% of the groceries including formula and nappies, as well as all the babies clothes and accessories like bottles, his toys and bedding.
I don’t feel like what I’m asking is unreasonable. Today he told me “you’d be homeless if it wasn’t for me” and that nearly broke me. I don’t feel like I have a team mate or a partner in this anymore, it feels like he expects me to just lump it because he pays for the house and I should be grateful. I don’t have any family support in the same state as us and I have no close friends here either. I don’t know what to do. Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to contribute more at home?
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No you are not the asshole here. You are playing mum, dad, caretaker and YOU ARE STILL WORKING HALF THE WEEK!!!! insanity. Even if you weren’t working at all you still wouldn’t be the a hole. But the fact you do work and contribute make him even worse!!!!
Girl, I feel for you.
I think the fact you are reaching out for help here means you know in your heart it’s wrong.
You are basically a single parent anyway so you might as well make it official so you can find someone who loves and cherishes you!!
him saying you’d be homeless is an IMMEDIATE NO from me!! I had my daughter when i was 18, living on my own with my daughter and her dad. He dad was unemployed for the 6 months we lived together, i was working 2 jobs AND in uni. All he was to me was a babysitter, and a very shit one because my neighbours were always calling me saying my daughter was screaming and crying all day. Left that man and found someone that’s an even better dad for my daughter that i couldn’t even imagine.
He works full time, i’m part time in my own business and in tafe. We split the rent, he pays all utilities and i pay for groceries and daycare for my daughter. He helps out around the house when i’m working, he does the lawn and i do the bulk of the cleaning. Never ONCE has my fiancé ever said i’d be homeless if it wasn’t for him.
Coming from someone that was in a horrendous and dangerous relationship, think about what you want!! If he can’t step up and be a dad, find someone that can.
Absolutely not. You are working full time too when you count working part time, studying and looking after your baby. Cleaning the house and looking after kids ect is a full time job it’s self. You are working over load! You have every right for him to contribute more. Otherwise why should you even do to work and still contribute financially if he isn’t willing to help in the house too.
If he can't listen to you and understand how you are feeling aswel, get rid of him, I'm in a similar situation, and I'm nearly fed up with it, so the next move if there is zero understanding is to do what's best for you n bub, you can n will find better hopefully a man that understands and supports you fully, I know it's hard to leave the father off your baby cause all we want is a family, but sometimes the other party isn't up for it fully, I don't know maybe councilling could help, but also sometimes it's better to leave, stand strong girl ❤️ set some boundaries for U n bub
I think what you are describing is probably a pretty common argument, and unfortunately it does seem like women naturally pick up more of the load and from what I gather from my friends relationships aswell this comes to the surface even more when you have children. He definitely should not have said you would be homeless without him, but if thats not usually like him to say things like that it could have been in the heat of the moment (also with the single parent CCS and other support you might actually be better off so don't let that frighten you!). But I guess at the end of the day you need to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want, can you work together to make the life you want? And maybe its just coming at it from a different angle "I feel like I'm drowning with everything on my plate, can we work out a plan together". I know some of my friends use apps like Cozi family organiser to stay on track and Goldee. I also really like Julia Woods on Instagram, she helps couples with communication xx
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