in

England

Unsupportive partner

I feel trapped and alone with a husband who respects none of my boundaries with our baby.

We got pregnant/married very quickly and I ended up moving in with my husband and his parents days before I had a c section. My husband avoided most conversations about the baby (she was unwanted by him at the time) but I made it clear I didn’t want visitors in the hospital, wanted privacy with the baby when we got home, nobody holding the baby until I was ready- definitely no kissing the baby etc and he briefly said yes to that. My in laws had always been lovely and respectful so wasn’t expecting any push back at all.


In order to not make the longest post ever- it was a disaster. Every boundary was broken consistently. E.g visiting hours after my c section, holding and kissing the baby, sharing photos, husband giving baby to them when I finally crashed out after 72hours being awake, doing skin to skin with her when I hadn’t even! Never asking my permission for anything only their son who was only too happy to say yes. Letting the neighbour hold my newborn when I was asleep! I developed PPA and was in hell. I have no friends or family and was trapped in this house with a husband who ignored my wishes and called me too strict. He would fall asleep with the baby on the sofa repeatedly, so I sacrificed nearly all my sleep to make sure I was watching her constantly. He sees a psychiatrist so I was hoping he’d give him some good advice- instead he told him he should trust his own judgment if he feels awake enough to sit on the sofa with her in the night. And yet he has no control over falling asleep! This is a man who has fallen asleep at the wheel, on the toilet, standing up…

I finally put my foot down when she was 6 months. I was at the point of a breakdown and retreated. Nobody was holding the baby anymore and I would supervise when others were around her. Resentment built in my husband. He calls me controlling and says he has the right to do whatever he wants as her father. Yet, he is so reckless and has no boundaries.

I’m utterly alone. He’s started lying all the time now and breaking all the promises he has made me. She is now 11 months and he has been threatening to leave me. I have no where to go, no family, just some savings. He has also said he would want overnights yet I could never be on board with that. He isn’t safe. We breastfeed all night and co sleep anyway- I do nights alone and I’m her comfort but he dismisses the importance of our breastfeeding bond and says she doesn’t need it anymore.

I started spending more and more time with the baby around the in laws hoping it would make him happy but he only demanded more. I tutor part time and would have panic attacks hearing him handing her over to his parents, while I worked upstairs. (After he promised he wouldn’t).

So, I’ve temporarily bent. I’ve loosened my boundaries. I’ve told him I need to let go of the past and trust them all again. Because I fear us splitting, being on my own in the world with our baby with no support. I don’t trust nurseries or childminders because of my own experiences when younger. I wouldn’t be able to make an income and afford a place alone. And he’d get unsupervised access and maybe overnights with our baby and I can’t let her safety be risked like that.

(He’s also got a terrible best friend who has been harassing me and trying to meet our baby- I’ve firmly held on to this boundary- but I fear he would take her to him if we were no longer together).

I’m just somebody whose been trying to hold her family together and keep her baby safe and yet I feel I’ve been punished so much for it.

I’m sorry for this long, rambling post if you are still reading. I feel utterly helpless and alone.