Is my marriage salvageable?
For years iv felt emotionally alone.
Both of my labor & births, he may as well not be there. He didnt come near me or support me in any way.
All we do is bicker now. He complains constantly about my mood and how depressing I am to be around. Im exhausted. Our second baby has never been a good sleeper. He started to sleep through but has now got a cold so the oast 2 nights have been horrendous. So much so I missed my first day back to work after maternity leave as my day begun at 2:30am.
Im drained, im also chronically ill with an auto immune disease, im facing new health issues with prolonged menstrual bleeding. I have bled for 50% of the time over the past 5m. Im being sent for an urgent scan which was arranged and booked for just 3 days after my appointment. After that appointment he didn't ask how it went, when I eventually told him 2 days before the scan that I was being sent for one, his main concern was who will watch the kids cause hes working. Not why or what or how am I feeling about it. Im so miserable atm. He tells me im dramatic, im depressing, im a quitter blah blah. I have PND / PNA im so not okay atm. He knows this. But dismisses my feelings and my health issues all the time.
Iv never felt so alone.
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I’ve no advise on how to help other than tell him it takes two to make the kids he needs to step up more seems like you’re doing everything
I hope things get easier for you, make sure you look after yourself you’re kids need you well and in a good mind space not having to worry about him xx
I think if you have the option of going to a family/friend for maybe a month to give you some space that will help clear things for you in respect to your marriage. Obviously if you can take the kids to make sure they are looked after because i dont think he would do much to care for them from your description. It will also prove if he does want you because if he doesnt check in etc when you're gone then that shows how he will be if you divorced, inc how he will treat the kids being gone. If not maybe go for a week to a hotel at least or airb&b. But you need to get some space to help you clear your head x
Thanks both. I will add that practically hes good i cant fault that. He helps arouns the house, hands on with the kids, cooks dinner, but any emotional safety or support is non existent. I dont know what to do.
You need to sit down with him and in very plain works tell him how it makes you feel, intentionally or not and what you want/need moving forward. Ask him if he can get on board with that and if he can't then you understand but you won't be part of this relationship anymore because it isn't working for you.
He could also be tired or cranky because of difficult situations and not considering you. If the above doesn't serve as a wake up call, then he knows and doesn't care.
Unpopular opinion, but it sounds like he is struggling here. If he’s helping practically it sounds like he wants to be an active part of yours and the children’s lives but emotionally he is struggling. He may have always struggled or this may be a response to the children (men can get postnatal depression too). I think, in answer to your question, the real question is “do you want to salvage your relationship?” If it could go back to how it was before kids would that be enough? Or has this always been an issue? Therapy would probably help (you can get it free/reduced through Relate) but getting someone who is emotionally avoidant to therapy is tricky.
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