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Incognito Only! 👻

Addressing Financial Abuse

Husband puts 2K a month on a debit card for me. Whenever he is upset that I have fled to my moms house to get away from him he drains the account.

The spend on that account is actually 4K a month bc of whatever other expenses hes attached to it.

I end up putting the other 2K on my credit cards and its hurting my credit.

When I ask for larger sums for a dental procedure called gum grafting he doesnt even answer me.

I can see from our text messages all the way back to when I first had the baby me telling my account is empty and I need money.

He refuses to set aside a meeting to budget. He has always been controlling and has 20 years army service in the special forces. He is good at justifying why I need to be "disciplined" or why my concerns are petty.

He routinely silences me when I air pretty much any grievance.

I start a new job tomorrow bc of this financial situation and he has said he does not support me having a job and will sabotage my job.

I already have a meeting with a divorce lawyer but dont actually want to divorce if I can salvage the marriage.

The job is a good first step. He is angry that I am at my mothers to start my job. She is watching my son and my job is work from home and flexible so I can also watch him throughout the day.

Talking to military family support clinic but the copay is 40$ per meeting and they mostly want to evaluate my mental health and talk about my feelings. Thats fine, but what Im interested in is finding solutions to this problem and lear ing about my husband's military mindset and how to communicate with him.

He says he will never go to therapy. He may or may not have PTSD. I dont diagnose people, I let the psych do it, but in my opinion he tends to despise me most when I am "weak" or vulnerable in any way and admire me most when I am "strong"

I see echos of this cull the weak mentality in army special forces interviews online.

A SAHM is vulnerable on every level and I think he is jealous the baby jas complete access to me but he doesnt get all the labor and attention out of me he used to.

Trying to think outside the box here on how I can raise grievances with hin without getting smushed.

I already am laying the groundwork for financial independence. He keeps threatening me with divorce but I am actually not interested in divorce if it can be avoided.

I do feel I am being actively abused and there is also screaming and smashing things around the baby which makes me uncomfortable

Anyone deal with these military family support places before? Are they actually useful or do we just talk about deep breathing and emotional regulation? Those things are fine but what I actually want is some accountability on his part.

A third observer actually interested in family justice could be an ally but I have low trust. I have read about women seeing a therapist and then having this later used as evidence that she is mentally unsound and shouldn't have custody of her kids.

I understand there are a lot of moving parts here.