I feel like a secondary parent
I’ll start by saying I know there is a better way to go about this. I know.
My husband and I found ourselves having our daughter a month earlier than planned due to some medical complications. She was born via c section after a failed induction at 35+3. Afterwards, she was in the NICU for 16 days because she had rapid breathing and wasn’t eating enough. All fairly normal for her gestational age but still, something new for us.
Naturally, because of the c section and the NICU journey, I didn’t get a chance to really connect with her until almost a week later. I didn’t get the immediate skin to skin, I didn’t get a chance to breastfeed her (she is strictly formula now), I didn’t get to bond how I’d like. Not to mention, I don’t make enough breast milk when I do try so that’s been a discouraging experience as well.
I went to see her every other day when she was in the NICU after my discharge until she came home. This kind of worked out because I was able to recover and everything and I can actually do things with her instead of leaning on my husband for support. The problem is, it feels like he won’t let me be a parent. I’ll try to do collaborative parenting because we are both new to this and on his “turn”, he just never gives her back. He will go and go and go until he’s basically on 0 and falling asleep and then I get to be a mom again.
I started to feel some type of way because I felt robbed of a lot in the hospital. He said he was just trying to allow me to rest until he goes back to work because he knows it’ll be all on me then when I brought it up. I told him it wasn’t coming off like that. He did apologize and did better for 1 day. Then the very next day, back where we were. So today, after my OBGYN appt, I came home and took her upstairs and I haven’t really spoken to him since. I prepped the spare bedroom for her with her stuff and we have been chillin for a few hours now. I gave her a bath and washed her hair and just got to connect with her the way I had been trying to.
I don’t want my baby to not see both parents being active, I also didn’t want to intrude on his daddy daughter time. But I shouldn’t have to fight for mommy daughter time either.
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I'm sorry you're going through this I can imagine how hard that has to be
It sounds like he's a well-intentioned and involved parent who knows you've been through a traumatic experience and wants to give you the time to rest and heal. He also needs to just back off a bit. I have a husband who is very involved, almost too much so at times. I still have to tell him on occasion to back off and not jump in while I'm comforting my child, so I can have the chance to do it, and she's 2.5.
All I can say is be communicative and advocate for yourself. If you feel like you're being pushed to a secondary parent, say so, and tell him you want and need opportunities to bond with your child. It's likely he's taking point because he doesn't want to leave the majority of the work to you, but that's not the way to think about parenting. It's not about 50 / 50 or who does more, who does less. You are a team. He helps you when needed, you help him when needed (he probably needs to learn to ask for help before he gets to 0, some men are like that), and you both need (c)
... opportunities to parent without hovering or interference from the other.
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