Mum problems?!
Has anyone struggled with their own mum since having a baby? My mother and I have always been extremely close and still are but I’m really struggling with our relationship since I’ve had my daughter.
My mother is extremely opinionated and is constantly telling me she would do this and wouldn’t do that. From an outsider perspective you probably think that’s great and a lot of the time it is but a lot of the time it’s unwanted and quite offensive advice. It feels like I’m not being trusted to look after and raise my own baby and when I ask her to stop she always gets extremely rude and gives me the cold shoulder and makes sarcastic comments when I next ask for advice. I appreciate she’s only trying to do what’s best for the baby but that’s what she thinks is best. She makes me so anxious about a lot of things, for example when I’ve mentioned putting my daughter in nursery as I’m struggling with juggling everything and she makes comments like ‘oh I wouldn’t… you see these stories’ or when I’ve mentioned going out with friends for an hour and she’s made comments like ‘your daughter needs you, you shouldn’t be going out’ to then be told ‘you should go out you need a break’ but when I do I get texts being told to come back.
My mother also helps out my with my daughter a couple of times a week whilst I’m out at work, which again, I’m very appreciative for but it’s never smooth sailing. I’ll get text messages saying ‘she needs you’, ‘you need to come back’. I always come running but I’m made to feel bad for leaving which is just so much for already an anxious mum that suffers terribly with guilt. It just feels like my mother is always the victim and I’m always so unreasonable? She’ll give my daughter sugary snacks and if I’m not happy about it she’ll make comments like ‘well maybe find someone else to help you next time’ or ‘right, I raised you ok’.
My friend said to be a couple of weeks ago, it feels like you have family but not community and that really hit home. My mum is happy to help when my daughter is giggly and jolly but as soon as she’s tired or cranky it feels like the help disappears. Or I’ll be told ‘of course it’s ok’ and then I’m met with an attitude and comments like ‘well I guess my plans are going out the window then’. I’m always happy to make alternative arrangements but it feels like I’m constantly getting conflicting messages. I fully respect that this is my daughter and she’s my responsibility, however, I do feel like I’m being made to feel like I should be grateful because it’s better than nothing.
Is it better than nothing, 100%
Am I extremely grateful, 100%
Am I made to feel bad constantly, 100%
Am I being faced with someone who’s blowing hot and cold every day,100%
Am I the problem? Maybe?
I do sometimes feel as though my mum thinks my daughter is her baby and she does constantly tell me that baby wants Nan and has a special place for her. Again, sounds very innocent and normal until you realise these comments always come after a discussion where I’ve felt anxious about my bond with my daughter. My mother will say stuff like ‘she’s so happy with me’ and ‘well she might be grumpy with you but she’s not grumpy with me’.
I guess I’m just asking advice if anyone else has experienced anything like this and if I am in fact the problem? I try and be conscious constantly of others opinions and feelings but I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mother but I also want to be able to parent my baby the way I want to parent without judgement and comments that make me uncomfortable and anxious.
Also I’m working full time and am a single parent.
Thank you
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I hate to say this but your mom is a narcissist. My mom is the exact same but worse. I don't stand for her bs and tell her how it is (which she doesn't like) unfortunately I have to live with mine as I can't find anywhere else at the moment and it's driving me crazy cause I can't get away from it. If you ever need to rant, just message me :) x
Yup. I know my mum means well, but not everything as it used to be when we were growing up in the 80s and 90s - I don't think she realises it 🤣🤣🤣 I can laugh at it now (mostly) but first few months, I was snapping a lot! With the hormones and exhaustion, it's not as easy to be patient. Give it time.
Although some of these comments do not sound healthy at all (why would you want to put your own daughter down?), so it's definitely not to excuse that kind of behaviour! x
My mum was like this, it’s extremely hard to take and I just sat down with her one day and told her how her comments make me feel. It got better when she understood I don’t need unsolicited advice and I will ask when i need the help. And you are not the problem at all, I find with grandparents now they think she should be doing what they did, when in fact a lot if not all of their advice is outdated. My mum used to tell me to put weetabix in my daughters bottle to bottle to make her sleep longer, leave her at bottom of garden to sleep and check on her every few hours, she said I used to sleep all day, that’s because no one heard me crying no doubt. If you can talk to her I would.
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