Scared to get help and be seen as not coping

I'm 6 weeks PP with baby no2. I also have a 3 year old.

I'm really struggling but I don't want to tell my health visitor because I know as soon as I start speaking I will burst into tears and I can't do that, it's so embarrassing and I hate being seen as not coping.

She's due to visit on Wednesday to weigh baby and do a couple tests. I also have a GP appt soon for my 6 week check. I know I should probably mention my mental health to one of them but I just can't.

I keep expecting it to get better, and some days it feels easier, but then some days are just so dark and I can get a break from my mind or snap out of it.

I'm starting to feel distant from both my kids. My son (3yo) is in a VERY argumentative phase, and although I'm not a shouty parent, I have started getting short with him and unable to hide my annoyance. I can't look at him sometimes and just cannot wait for him to go to bed. I always feel guilty.

With my baby I just can't bare her being awake because the pressure of keeping her from crying makes me feel so unbelievably on edge. It's like I always have a lump in my throat, or like I always can't quite take a deep enough breath. When she goes to sleep I feel relieved. But the bigger she gets the less she sleeps, and the harder it is to get her to nap. She was awake from 6pm - 11:30pm tonight and nothing I was doing was working. My husband was also trying but I cannot bare to hear her crying when what he's doing isn't working. I'd rather be the one trying. I know it's silly.

But at 10:45pm I had to message him to come upstairs and get her and take her away because I was starting to get angry and so frustrated and telling her to shut up. She was clean, fed, burped, and just kept crying. If she woke my 3yo up it would be hell. I just can't take it. I feel so guilty for thinking like this.

I love my babies, I don't want to be a sad, angry mum but I just want to run away. I don't want to be with them.

Baby is asleep now buy I know she'll wake soon for a feed so I can't sleep. I feel like I'm drowning.

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Post-partum Struggles - any one relate?

Hey, I had my baby girl 17 days ago, I’m struggling bad with anxiety around the baby. Whether it be her breathing pattern changes, mucusy wheezy sounds, her crying for hours and me thinking I’ve not done enough. When she was born (c-section) she spent her first night chocking on mucus and the midwives are telling me it’s normal but it doesn’t make it less distressing until she finally got help and had mucus suctioned out of her. This is where my anxiety hit its peak.

Her dad is amazing however he will need to go back to work soon, I’m so scared to parent alone. I don’t have a support network, and my family work so I truly am alone and worry about what I can do☹️.

The best way to describe is that I’m scared of my baby, I love her unconditionally but she terrifies me.

Is anyone else struggling similar, or have the same worry’s or experienced the same things?

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Advice please, I’m honestly so upset😭

My little one is 21 months and has been at nursery since he was just over 12 months. Usually I get nothing but positive comments, he’s being a little testing lately especially when it comes to sharing - understandable it’s a lot for a young mind to comprehend obviously.

However today upon collection I was told he was better with his hands today. Some snatching here and there but normal for his age. Of course I appreciate the honestly it’s all a learning curve for a first time mum. But what’s sitting on my mind, and I’ve been upset ever since, is the language they used to describe his table manners.

He’s always been super, typical butter wouldn’t melt at home😂, he goes to soft play groups weekly, swimming, interacts with all my friends children - no issues.
But at nursery, it seems different. Today I was told my little boys table manners were atrocious. And I can’t get my head around the word? What can a little boy (not even 2) have done that’s so atrocious because he didn’t want to sit down on command and he’s been a little testing with the word “no”. The manager even came out when we were talking to his nursery worker to ensure she told us about his “atrocious” table mannerisms.

Am I over reacting? To me this is all a learning and testing curve for him. I understand a nursery is there to prepare him for bigger stages in his life but to use such words I’m baffled by.

Thank you - a very emotionally attached FTM♥️