What have I done?

It’s going to get so much better! My girl is 9 months old and I had such anxiety about everything- keeping her alive, had I wrecked our own lives, did I love her enough, could I cope…. Honestly it was so tough and there were days I stood in the kitchen and sobbed to my partner that I just wanted to leave (and no I would never abandon or harm my baby it was just OVERWHELMING). You’re going to be ok. Not everyone loves newborn stage - it’s alright to enjoy them more as time goes on. You don’t have to be an Instagram beside-yourself-with-joy instantly obsessed kind of mum, good for those who are, wasn’t my journey. I write to you now from my first work trip away for a couple of nights, doing the job I love, with a happy baby at home with her dad, growing like a weed, loving nursery and I still manage to get to the gym a few times a week (not for everyone but a big part of my identity). There are no rules and nothing you have to ‘lose’. It all just takes a little time x

(PS it feels like forever. It isn’t, I promise. Personally I didn’t find a real groove until five months - give yourself grace and let those feelings come and go)

I know many people that felt how you are feeling - they are now thriving and enjoying parenthood more than they ever imagined. Your hormones are everywhere and you’ve just done one of the most amazing things the human body can do. This will pass. Hope you have people you can lean on for now. 🫶🏼

Exactly what Mel and Natalie have said. Your body faced over 1000x the typical hormonal crash after birth. Your whole state of mind and body have shifted. You will feel like you've lost yourself for a while. I do. My little girl is 5 months. And i love her and have wanted her more than anything in my life. After years of thinking i was infertile and having endo etc. But some days I am broken. I dont know if it was the right choice to have her. I feel like im failing her and my partner. Some days are really good. But some are bloody terrible and you have moments where you want to leave it all. You want to be angry but you cant. But you get those moments of pure and utter joy. The feelings of completion when they look at you. The way they grab at you and hold your finger. When they cry for your warmth and comfort. There's nothing more rewarding that that. And nothing harder on ones mind and soul than making that happen. Mumas dont get enough credit. Its f****ng hard being a mum. Especially when you are...

On go mode constantly, always alert, always caring, 24/7, never a true moment to yourself. You are incredible. The life you have created as beautiful. And not everything will be perfect. Not everything will be exactly how you imagined. And you will make mistakes. But thats okay. Because we all do!!! We are only human. We cannot know what we have not done or experienced. You learn from mistakes. They aren't a bad thing!! You really have some days where you've cried, the house is a mess, you and baby are a mess, you have 0 energy but you're both alive. They're happy. Thats all that matters