in

England

Need to get this off my chest sorry for the long read.

Im in a bit of a difficult situation. I had left my partner a bit ago and I felt as though going through a legal battle just wasn’t worth it as when I spoke to my social worker who I have had for years now as someone who has been in care said that I basically had no chance of winning because of my history of mental health and they will argue about me being “unfit” where as my partner has no history documented. I do now struggle with postpartum depression but the harming has completely stopped and I am a bloody good mum. I do absolutely everything for our son and more. I love him to absolute pieces. I do much more for him than my partner ever has as we have had arguments in the past about him not doing enough etc. Well I got back with him as I didn’t want to lose my son, I had no where to go to and no money and anyone I asked for help refused to help. We had another argument today about money. Im still off work with my son until he is able to go to nursery so we are currently on UC. He come home and refused to continue to put his earnings through UC as he “didn’t want his name in their system” as he has never claimed in his life. That would be fine if he actually compensated for it. I have bills going out of my account too, in fact most of the bills even though Im getting £300 sometimes £0 as he earns too much one month but he never gives me any money. He pays the rent, I pay the rest and when Im struggling he never gives me anything and I have to argue with him for weeks just to send me money for bills as I don’t always have it. Im absolutely stupid because I got 11 grand compensation money for something just after I got pregnant and I spent all of it on him pretty much straight away. He went through 3 vehicles in the space of a year and he didn’t have the money so I had to pay for it and he refuses to give it back and now I cant afford a car for myself as Im about to pass this month so that I can get to and from work which he has constantly been telling me to do for the last 10 months knowing we have no option. So it completely escalated and he ended up taking my son away from me as this is what he does every time there is a problem and says he needed to get him away from me AFTER he decided to drag me by my wrist from the bed and across the floor and made our son scream and said I had made him scream for trying to get him off me and shouting at him. He got on top of me and grab my wrist tight and screamed right in my face which again my son was terrified and screamed for me. Then he decided to record me getting him off of me and shouting at him to leave me alone to try and humiliate me and use it as leverage against me to contact the police and to take my son. Decided to record me again and use it as leverage once again when I had completely lost it when he left with my son THEN decided to come back without him just to taunt me even more and videoed me begging him to stop using my son as a weapon screaming at him to leave me alone once again and to leave my son out of it. I wish I hadn’t of shouted because I realise my son doesn’t need to listen to it but I cant help my response sometimes and I have been in a very abusive relationship in the past that completely destroyed me emotionally for a long time. It then just continues to escalate further because he tries to tell me when I can and cant see my son and basically makes out as if I won’t see him again then changes his mind and says he didn’t say that. Obviously this is completely distressing for me and I do begin to raise my voice and go a bit crazy and beg him to let me have my son. He acts like dad of the year yet he hasn’t even bought him anything for his birthday, Ive organised a birthday party, bought all his presents despite only getting £400 this month. Ive not been eating so my baby and himself can eat because there just isn’t enough for 3 of us as we have had no money to buy any food. I used the last of the money I had as I didn’t want to see my son without anything. He spent most of the evening talking rubbish about my family and my Aunty was on the phone and is now refusing to come to my sons birthday party and he refused to let my son spend some time with her this weekend as she offered to have him but yet Im always supposed to be okay with his family having him but none of mine seem to get that privilege for no reason at all. He knows I don’t have my parents and they are all the family me and my son have as he doesn’t have many either and he wont even get to know them now, neither will I. She is never coming down here again and she doesn’t want us there because of it. Im just exhausted. Im made out to be this awful person when he is making me this way. He carries the argument on and on and I just want to sit in silence for a while to calm down and I tell him this and he doesn’t stop which causes me to get worse and worse then takes my son and does all of this. Im completely on edge constantly wondering if there is going to be a time Im just not going to see my son again. Im really not a bad mum and I really try to keep calm as much as possible in these situations for my son but it has been extremely difficult. Ive never once given him any reason to take my son from me. In fact he says I am a good mum never ever says I am a bad mum but feels he needs to take him from me in situations he caused to escalate. I spoke to my social worker about leaving and she basically said it wasn’t a good idea and to put up with it as my life would be worse off if I left so here I am. Just ranting about my stressful night. Once he brought my son back home to me, my son cuddled me, kissed me in his own little way and smiled at me. He isn’t really much of a cuddler usually but he just hasn’t stopped wanting cuddles recently especially tonight. I just cried holding onto him. He is a proper mummy’s boy and we love each other to pieces and we have come a long way from when he was born. He is only 11 months old. We struggled to bond in the first couple of months as I had a traumatic birth and I just felt as though he hated me because I could never ever settle him and everyone else could and now its the complete opposite and he is constantly stuck to me like glue. I don’t even know what I would do if I lost him. My life has pretty much been nothing but miserable for as long as I can remember. My son is my world and the only reason I survive. I make sacrifice after sacrifice for this family and it gets thrown in my face constantly. Im doing the best I can here. He literally calls me useless and a dosser for being on UC but has absolutely no issues asking me for money when he needs it or has no issues when he runs out of money and we desperately need it. We won’t survive without it sometimes so of course I was upset and worried he decided not to carry on with it for his own selfish reasons. Now Im completely stuck as Ive had to close my UC account down.