Regret

I’m 23 years old, a mom to one amazing autistic little boy, and I’m still living with my mom and grandma. I work full-time, and I was able to get my own car last October. I know there are people who have it harder than I do, and I’m grateful for what I have. My circumstances aren’t the worst; they’re just not enough for the life I want to live.

I love my son with everything I have, but if I’m being honest, I don’t enjoy being a mother. That’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to admit because people automatically assume that means I don’t love my child, and that’s not true. I love him more than anything. His laugh is my favorite sound, and seeing him smile makes my whole day. He’s the cutest little boy, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

What I struggle with is everything that came with becoming a mom before I was ready.

I had to drop out of school because of pregnancy complications. I lost the life I had planned. I miss the freedom I had before. I miss being able to be selfish sometimes. I wasn’t financially, mentally, or physically prepared to become a parent. I wasn’t prepared to still be living at home or to be tied to someone I knew wasn’t right for me.

The hardest part is that I originally wanted to terminate my pregnancy. We even made an appointment. At the time, my car had broken down, I had lost my job because of renovations, and I knew I wasn’t ready. His dad had no car and no stable job. Looking back, I ignored a lot of red flags until it was too late. Then he told my mom I was pregnant while I was ignoring him, and I felt like the choice was taken away from me. I wasn’t ready to raise a child, and I definitely wasn’t ready to coparent with someone I resent.

Today, I still carry that resentment. My son’s dad watches him while I work because he works from home, and I’m grateful our son has a parent available during the day. But financially, I don’t feel supported. Last month he gave me $150, and it wasn’t even for our son. Sometimes it feels like money only comes up when he thinks it’ll make me want to get back together, and that’s never going to happen.

My family helps, especially my mom, and I’m thankful for her. But I hate feeling like I have to pay everyone else every time I need help with childcare. Sometimes I feel like I have friends, but no real friends. I feel alone more often than I’d like to admit.

I’m not happy, but I’m not exactly sad either. I’m just existing. Trying to make it through each day while hoping that one day I’ll feel like I’m actually living instead of just surviving.

More than anything, I wish my son could have the best version of me. I wish I could give him a mom who’s less stressed, less overwhelmed, and closer to the person she dreamed of becoming.

I’m still trying to find that version of myself. Not just for him, but for me too.

in our community

I’m exhausted

So my husband told me tonight that I’ve changed and that he no longer feels desired by me because I don’t make comments towards him the way I used to and I don’t respond the same when he makes comments towards me and that makes me feel like a shitty fucking wife.

Because I do desire him and what he doesn’t seem to understand is that I’m all fucking touched out.

I had to watch my body change over 8 months. I stretched, I bled, I threw up. I had to stop doing things I loved, I was sick and exhausted all the time. Then I was drugged and had seven layers of flesh, muscle, nerves and organs cut open to have our son. Then I was stitched closed seven different times. I hurt, I couldn’t move like normal, I was exhausted and felt gross.

Lucas loves to be held. And I love to hold him. But fuck recently it feels like I’m doing the most. Which is fine, I’m his mom, but I can only be in so many places and pulled in so many directions at one time.

I get peed on. I get pooped on. I get spit up on and slept on and my hair pulled all while trying to hold and sooth and change my clothes and shower and be put together when I want to be anything but.

I keep track of where we’re going, what we’re doing, when the baby eats or sleeps, when his bottles get washed or the laundry was done or the snakes were fed. Even when my husband does have him, I get asked questions. Where’s this? Where’s that? Did you move this thing? And it’s always in the same spot if he just took the two seconds to look. I can never seem to have five minutes to myself.

I can make a bottle, hold the baby, let out the dog, and play a card game without even blinking. I can shower and rock his swing, and wash my hair all while my mind is blank.

It’s gotten to the point where I am hearing cries that aren’t there.

I cried for the first time since I had Lucas tonight. And it’s not his fault, that will never be something he understands. But sometimes I can’t tell when he’s joking versus when he’s serious and sometimes I just want to be held and told that shit is going to be okay and things will start to feel somewhat normal again.

I’m not resentful. At all. He’s great and when I was in the hospital and even just getting home, he was amazing. But my feelings were hurt. I feel like I’m not listened to, I’m not seen, and I’m just fucking exhausted.

Having a 2nd child while 1st one has medical issues/delays.

Hey all. I have a 10 month old. I always wanted 2 kids and I’m trying to decide if we should start trying again soon. But my son has epilepsy and some pretty serious developmental delays coming up. He still can’t sit. Isn’t crawling. He may never walk, (or it could take 3-5 years). He will mostly be nonverbal. Chance he won’t be able to bathe himself, feed himself etc.

So does anyone else have children with high needs? Is it totally stupid to have another? Would I be putting us all in a worse position? Will the regret of not having another eat me alive? Would the mom guilt of having another eat me alive?

I am his full time caregiver now so I’m home full time. It was a totally random and insanely rare diagnosis (.0001%) so my 2nd child wouldn’t have it.

It feels like an impossible decision and I’m not even sure what needs to be considered in order to have another. I just don’t wanna wait too long cause im already 32 and it took us 5 years to conceive my son.

Any help appreciated.

So toxic

I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he loves me the same but damn we are so toxic for each other and I don’t know what to do. If we argue it never gets solved. He’s avoidant. I’m anxious attachment and we are both stubborn and stuck in our ways. I have legitimate reasons to get upset (but I don’t talk about them the right way), he takes no accountability and he’ll want space. I want to fix it immediately. But here’s the thing. I’ve tried the giving space thing. I’ve tried to communicate differently. Nothing works with him. He’s 50 years old and has been like this his whole life. He’ll leave for a drive. Which angers me more because I wish I can just say fuck my parental responsibilities and go for a drive. So I call him 150 times just to get ignored. Then he’ll finally say he takes some accountability, he’ll do better, I’ll do better and then it just repeats. It’s exhausting. He never wants to talk, his problem with me is all I want to do is talk it out.. yet we never talk it out because he always refuses. So the same argument happens again in three days. It’s actually annoying. I know I have a lot to work on myself because I hold things in until i explode but a lot of these arguments would never happen if he didn’t do half the things he does. Like today. He slept all day because he drank a lot at a 4th of July party last night. So I was alone on baby duty yesterday. Alone on baby duty today. When do I get to just sleep all day? But I can’t talk to him about it because god forbid. So I hold it in and end up snapping because I’m overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. Any advice? We are never going to leave each other so I’m just looking for ways to promote better communication ig.

Am I wrong here?

Am I wrong for feeling annoyed at my husband asking what’s for dinner? do we have anything easy we can throw in the oven? after I’ve spent nearly an hour resettling the baby after she woke up 10 minutes after I put her to bed (it’s hot in her room and also she’s not well). Like, what have you been doing while I’ve been struggling my ass off with the baby? He’s making me feel like I’m overreacting for snapping at him and telling him to look for himself

How do you know when it’s time to start potty/toilet training?

My little boy is 22 months and understands the meaning of the potty now. He’s had a couple of wees on there but nothing more than that. He’s started to tell us when he’s having a poo but doesn’t tell us when he needs a wee.

Is this a sign to start? I don’t want to force it upon him. I was going to get a seat for the toilet with the ladder also but will this confuse him going from potty to toilet? I only wanted to put him on the potty for convenience when we’re out and about with the carry potty incase we aren’t near a toilet.

Any advice is perfect x

What do you all do

What do you all do during the day when it’s just you and baby alone? I have a toddler who goes nursery so I’m struggling to think of what to do with baby girl. Any ideas?