Totally burnt out
So, my (now ex) partner and I had been together about 5 years till recently, we were engaged, have a 21 month old, own a house and puppy together too.
Our relationship has always had its ups and downs- in all honesty my partner doesn’t deal with stress/any type of perceived disagreement/criticism/blame well at all. He hasn’t had to change his life at all, he’s continued pursuing his career, going to the gym two hours every day, seeing friends/weekends away. But of course I’m at home picking up the slack/childcare/working 4 days a week and totally burnt out. So naturally I get pretty stressed out, he naturally runs away from any type of request to help/be home more/change his lifestyle (thanks to his mum saying I shouldnt need his help and a good mother should be able to do it all) and since I was pregnant has become more and more dismissive emotionally and angry all the time. If I speak about my feelings, even calmly- I’ll somehow become the ‘bad guy/rude/abusive’ and somehow the conversation becomes that he’s somehow the victim and I don’t appreciate him and I’m too ‘masculine/aggressive/demanding’. Which is a huge exaggeration/hugely dramatised. I could literally be in tears saying I’m so tired and lonely - and suddenly it becomes ‘I’m attacking him’. And he wants me to make him feel better?
Anyway- he’s 35 and his family have a weird dynamic. It’s very enmeshed, very shallow/blame heavy/not trying to be rude when I say this but not very insightful or thoughtful about anything they say or do. Call everyone names/demonise extended family members/in laws etc it’s extremely black or white.
Someone could literally mention something that they don’t agree with (eg I bought a dishwasher) and suddenly they’re completely cut off/bitched about for years etc, labelled ‘wrong’ about everything and that’s final. You can’t do anything right basically.
So understandably I have found this dynamic extremely challenging, because when I wanted to return to work I was called selfish, then I said well maybe I’ll stay at home and I was called lazy, when my partner has told them we’ve argued about something (like him never being at home) it becomes a total character assassination and has deeply eroded my trust and emotional safety in the relationship because my partner is so enmeshed and impressionable by them that he will literally come home with a totally different view of me and be so hostile and basically decide he hates me out of nowhere after a conversation with them.
This has been going on since my son was born and literally every parenting decision I’ve ever made has been criticised (I’ve done it all alone with no village, my mother/father in law have never once looked after or even offered to look after my son, they’ve visited twice in two years).
So now things have got very bad between us and we’ve split up but still in the same house. I always wanted it to work but the family dynamic has affected us so much it’s like we take one step forward and then his mum or dad will say something or I get upset by something they’ve said and we’re back even worse than where we started.
He’s so fragile emotionally deep down/insecure and dealt with a lot of criticism and unrealistic expectations growing up that I feel like now he’s older and I’m the bad guy it’s almost like they’re now on his side and he feels their support?? I don’t know if this makes any sense. But the problem is he doesn’t recognise it at all- they are his family and it’s none of my business are his words. But this is our family we’ve created and it’s having an awful impact.
I’m a really good mum and he knows that but his mum and dad’s nasty comments end up making him believe I’m doing something wrong. My son was diagnosed with a rare syndrome when he was a baby and almost died, I took him to doctors multiple times with no luck initially and they said I was a drama queen/paranoid/unstable/looking for a problem and my partner then started getting angry at me. Then he actually finally got diagnosed and he was in ICU after contracting sepsis from it, they didn’t know if he would survive and then while I was dealing with this (the most difficult time of my life) they blamed it on me because we’d been on a family holiday and he ‘obviously’ got it abroad - it’s not a contagious illness it’s to do with autoimmunity- they even said they’re in ‘their right mind to go to social services because I’m obviously not looking after him properly’ !!
Every life event and postpartum has become totally traumatic for me because I’ve dealt with this crap. I had a c section and of course they give you the liquid morphine to take x amount times a day and when they heard I had to have it, they told him to take it off me and that it was irresponsible/bad parenting of me to take it?! Apparently I’ve had my whole life/postpartum experience so ‘easy’ and I’m a brat. Honestly - unbelievable.
I’ve been called lazy for not going to the gym (I’m actually underweight) but they’ve also told him it’s no one else’s responsibility to watch our son so I can do it. - it’s just judgement whatever I do basically. I got called fat when I was pregnant (I had preeclampsia and swelled up), then after I had my son I lost 6 stone, and they bought me a set of pyjamas for Christmas which were a size 28 when I was a size 10 and said they thought i was that size…
Honestly the list is so long I could be here forever.
Has anyone else been in a dynamic like this? Because I actually feel like this is the whole reason our relationship is breaking down and my partner is just so insecure and unable to form his own opinion/use his own judgement (probably due to being brought up by these people) because he’s so reliant on his parents opinions. And his go to is just to be hypercritical and name calling everybody.
Is this a lost cause? Do I just need to accept this doesn’t work? Or is there anyway I can try to support him to find his way a bit and at least distance himself enough to think for himself so it doesn’t destroy our lives and keeps our family together (In the least controlling way possible).
I don’t know what to think anymore I’m so exhausted from it.
Ideas
Starting Christmas shopping, what are some gifts ideas for a 5 month old, Besides clothes & books???
My baby will be 5 months in December, but there is a big gap from Christmas and her first birthday, so I’m also looking for ideas for spring/summer time for a 6-10 month old age range as well. Possible outdoor things, and development toys…
