Totally burnt out

So, my (now ex) partner and I had been together about 5 years till recently, we were engaged, have a 21 month old, own a house and puppy together too.

Our relationship has always had its ups and downs- in all honesty my partner doesn’t deal with stress/any type of perceived disagreement/criticism/blame well at all. He hasn’t had to change his life at all, he’s continued pursuing his career, going to the gym two hours every day, seeing friends/weekends away. But of course I’m at home picking up the slack/childcare/working 4 days a week and totally burnt out. So naturally I get pretty stressed out, he naturally runs away from any type of request to help/be home more/change his lifestyle (thanks to his mum saying I shouldnt need his help and a good mother should be able to do it all) and since I was pregnant has become more and more dismissive emotionally and angry all the time. If I speak about my feelings, even calmly- I’ll somehow become the ‘bad guy/rude/abusive’ and somehow the conversation becomes that he’s somehow the victim and I don’t appreciate him and I’m too ‘masculine/aggressive/demanding’. Which is a huge exaggeration/hugely dramatised. I could literally be in tears saying I’m so tired and lonely - and suddenly it becomes ‘I’m attacking him’. And he wants me to make him feel better?

Anyway- he’s 35 and his family have a weird dynamic. It’s very enmeshed, very shallow/blame heavy/not trying to be rude when I say this but not very insightful or thoughtful about anything they say or do. Call everyone names/demonise extended family members/in laws etc it’s extremely black or white.

Someone could literally mention something that they don’t agree with (eg I bought a dishwasher) and suddenly they’re completely cut off/bitched about for years etc, labelled ‘wrong’ about everything and that’s final. You can’t do anything right basically.

So understandably I have found this dynamic extremely challenging, because when I wanted to return to work I was called selfish, then I said well maybe I’ll stay at home and I was called lazy, when my partner has told them we’ve argued about something (like him never being at home) it becomes a total character assassination and has deeply eroded my trust and emotional safety in the relationship because my partner is so enmeshed and impressionable by them that he will literally come home with a totally different view of me and be so hostile and basically decide he hates me out of nowhere after a conversation with them.

This has been going on since my son was born and literally every parenting decision I’ve ever made has been criticised (I’ve done it all alone with no village, my mother/father in law have never once looked after or even offered to look after my son, they’ve visited twice in two years).

So now things have got very bad between us and we’ve split up but still in the same house. I always wanted it to work but the family dynamic has affected us so much it’s like we take one step forward and then his mum or dad will say something or I get upset by something they’ve said and we’re back even worse than where we started.

He’s so fragile emotionally deep down/insecure and dealt with a lot of criticism and unrealistic expectations growing up that I feel like now he’s older and I’m the bad guy it’s almost like they’re now on his side and he feels their support?? I don’t know if this makes any sense. But the problem is he doesn’t recognise it at all- they are his family and it’s none of my business are his words. But this is our family we’ve created and it’s having an awful impact.

I’m a really good mum and he knows that but his mum and dad’s nasty comments end up making him believe I’m doing something wrong. My son was diagnosed with a rare syndrome when he was a baby and almost died, I took him to doctors multiple times with no luck initially and they said I was a drama queen/paranoid/unstable/looking for a problem and my partner then started getting angry at me. Then he actually finally got diagnosed and he was in ICU after contracting sepsis from it, they didn’t know if he would survive and then while I was dealing with this (the most difficult time of my life) they blamed it on me because we’d been on a family holiday and he ‘obviously’ got it abroad - it’s not a contagious illness it’s to do with autoimmunity- they even said they’re in ‘their right mind to go to social services because I’m obviously not looking after him properly’ !!

Every life event and postpartum has become totally traumatic for me because I’ve dealt with this crap. I had a c section and of course they give you the liquid morphine to take x amount times a day and when they heard I had to have it, they told him to take it off me and that it was irresponsible/bad parenting of me to take it?! Apparently I’ve had my whole life/postpartum experience so ‘easy’ and I’m a brat. Honestly - unbelievable.

I’ve been called lazy for not going to the gym (I’m actually underweight) but they’ve also told him it’s no one else’s responsibility to watch our son so I can do it. - it’s just judgement whatever I do basically. I got called fat when I was pregnant (I had preeclampsia and swelled up), then after I had my son I lost 6 stone, and they bought me a set of pyjamas for Christmas which were a size 28 when I was a size 10 and said they thought i was that size…

Honestly the list is so long I could be here forever.

Has anyone else been in a dynamic like this? Because I actually feel like this is the whole reason our relationship is breaking down and my partner is just so insecure and unable to form his own opinion/use his own judgement (probably due to being brought up by these people) because he’s so reliant on his parents opinions. And his go to is just to be hypercritical and name calling everybody.

Is this a lost cause? Do I just need to accept this doesn’t work? Or is there anyway I can try to support him to find his way a bit and at least distance himself enough to think for himself so it doesn’t destroy our lives and keeps our family together (In the least controlling way possible).

I don’t know what to think anymore I’m so exhausted from it.

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I haven't been in this dynamic but it sounds so toxic and horrible for you and your son. I think his parents are a big problem in all of this and they need to keep out of your relationship, he obviously has grown up and learnt from them and they have damaged him, moulded him to the person he is. It is a tricky one because will he change? You try to talk to him and it just turns into an argument and him being defensive. There needs to be a lot of boundaries in place for his parents for things to start changing and for you to work as a family. Did his mum do EVERYTHING whilst his dad had this lifestyle too?

If talking about it calmly always turns into an argument maybe write him a letter.. I don't know. Maybe time away will make him realise what he is losing? For this to work, his parents need to back off, keep things between you two and he needs to start being a father and helping more, say you need some time to yourself just as much as he does.

Some men think they can carry on their life as normal after kids and expect women to pick up all the slack. It's sexist. It does sound like you cannot do right in his family so it all depends if he is willing to work on it all and make some changes. If it goes round in circles, it may be best to just leave him. Sometimes it takes leaving to wake men up too. Maybe he doesn't realise how damaging his parents actually are and he may never realise it until it's too late. You deserve to be happy

thank you so much for validating my feelings on this. I’m glad it made sense.

The problem now is I feel like his view of me has eroded so much over time (with no evidence) and he’s so totally convinced they’re right about everything, that I’m scared he won’t ‘know what he’s losing’ and will actually just walk away and throw everything down the drain. He genuinely doesn’t disagree with anything they do or say, and if ever it’s blatantly obvious (and I purely point out an observation respectfully) he gets so defensive and acts as if I’m criticising his family and says ‘bloods thicker than water/they come first regardless’ so maybe I need to cut my losses here.

I just really can’t believe that this is all happening over this. And where the relationship has naturally been harder where it’s not all ‘fun’ anymore and we have real responsibilities and I’m the one reminding him of those I’m always the ‘nag’ whereas if he discusses it with his family he basically is validated

Every time I have an opinion and then that’s like an immediate comfort from uncomfortable feelings/responsibility.

Interestingly, his mum did everything and before things got like this my partner used to get very upset about his family dynamic and said it was awful growing up. His mum actually cheated on his dad while she was pregnant and blamed his dad for being out all the time at the football (hypocrite). And their relationship to this day is argumentative, accusations from him etc. His dad is a very difficult character. And I think his mum actually emotionally relied on my partner a lot and told him a lot about their personal issues growing up etc so maybe my partner feels some kind of responsibility there. Maybe it’s way too enmeshed for me to support a change.

It’s just such a shame because I know deep down my partner can be so loving to me, such a good dad and is a good person deep down just so fragile. And us becoming parents has exposed vulnerabilities in our relationship

And somehow his mum would rather use that to drive a wedge between us (probably because she maybe deep down doesn’t want him to be with me/anyone) she was very awful to his ex too and he cheated on her, and his mum totally validated him said she was miserable/a bitch and no wonder he did it and doesn’t blame him etc and the family would actively not include/invite her to things because she said something which challenged something racist (honestly such a toxic dynamic) Then that ended in the relationship breaking down/him cheating after his parents told him to find someone else.

But she actually was quite a nice person by the sounds of things. I’ve actually spoken to her years ago.

This is just a total mess and maybe not even worth my time or energy. I don’t know.

Yeah he may not know what he is losing, he may be too damaged to see. However, if you say he has been very upset in the past and about growing up maybe deep inside him he knows? I think if you talk, it would be a good idea to point out the positives of him so he doesn't feel like it's a big attack? Then maybe bring up about him not being happy about his family dynamics and his bad childhood. Say you want it different for our family and your son. The change starts here or it's over and as sad as it is, when something so toxic like this is happening and he can't see it.. its out of your control. You don't want your son growing up having the same issues due as him and his family. Both have a bit of space and see if he comes to you to have a talk about it all and if it goes nowhere or there is no change.. you know it's the end. Hope it works out for you...

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