Parenting

I’m not there with having to discipline yet as a parent, but I am a school teacher! I would argue the children who are disciplined consistently by their parents feel the most secure! You don’t have to shout to be disciplining (even though that might be hard sometimes), but consistent boundaries, consistent consequences of actions and a good explanation of your expectations will help him - and in my opinion, especially if he’s SEN in any way! You could use sticker charts, rewards jars, time outs, all of which are developmentally acceptable ways to support him and if something does go wrong have the time afterwards to reconcile and tell him he’s loved even if he messed up because we all do 😊

You don’t have to yell or scare him to discipline him 🤍 Discipline can just mean clear boundaries, calm consequences and being consistent. Especially with an autistic 4-year-old, accommodations aren’t “special treatment” — he can understand rules and still need them explained or handled differently sometimes.
Things like “I won’t let you hit”, removing the toy if it’s being thrown, helping him calm down, then talking about it afterwards can work without making you feel like you’re becoming the parent you were scared of. And making mistakes at 4 definitely isn’t going to turn him into a narcissist 😭 the fact you care this much about being his safe person already says a lot.

Do some self work on the history you’ve shared and why you equate discipline with fear. Breaking out of that can be difficult but it’s an important first step.

As others have said, discipline is really effective with boundaries.

Keep questioning, keep learning!

Set a boundary and set a consequence. Discipline is most effective when there is no yelling. You can hold a boundary and enforce a consequence without creating fear. The kid will likely be upset and sad but that is a healthy reaction to overstepping a boundary. Teaching him about boundaries is a very important way of loving him and keeping him safe.

Boundaries and discipline is good for children. We raise our voices occasionally because it happens. And they might not like it right then just like we don’t like it but for us our kids don’t hate us or aren’t scared. They love us and still respect us and listen to us as parents.

As a parent with a child with autism sometimes you need to think outside the box with discipline and what works with them. My son will often go more extreme if we take away an item for example. Sometimes it’s about dealing with the behaviour first ie if he’s having a meltdown and lashing out then we focus on trying to calm him down and take him to a safe place. Some things I do need to raise my voice at ie running off, finding it funny to pull his trousers down in the supermarket, picking up a giant tree branch for example. It is about giving a consistent message.

I don’t think ur child will be scared of you or hate you if you discipline. I tell my daughter off whenever I need to and yet when you ask her who’s her best friend she always says mummy. You are allowed to say no to your child even if it’s in a loud tone. Don’t need to hit or scream at them. Sometimes it’s easier screaming at them but discipline comes in many different ways. I think you can do it and your son will still love you. Just use the firm but fair approach