Husband spanking toddler

I’d definitely just sit down and talk with him. Some people spank or grew up in a spanking house hold and some don’t. If it was 7 times for that one tantrum she did I think that’s a bit excessive. But I’d just share why you don’t think it’s right and explain how she was scared of him. Yall need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline

Honestly if you’ve talked to him three times about what is literally abuse of your child and he isn’t stopping I would seriously be considering divorce for the safety of your toddler. I have a two year old who has hit the tantrum and defiance stage and if I caught my husband doing this I would be devastated. If I told him to stop and he continued I would be leaving.

It's one thing to go with what you're taught, and be ignorant to child development. To refuse new information and insist on acting off of ego is problematic.
She is doing what shes supposed to do at her age. Testing boundaries and learning autonomy is supposed to happen.

This is impactful and wont really mix well raising in opposite ways. So do you want to fight about it indefinitely?

I’d be really concerned too. Spanking a 3-year-old seven times, especially when she was already upset and then being terrified of him afterwards, goes way beyond “discipline” to me. And the fact you’ve already discussed this more than once and he still did it again is a huge part of the problem.
I wouldn’t leave her alone with him until you genuinely feel she’s safe. I’d document what happened, including the date and anything she says or any marks, and tell someone you trust so you’re not carrying this alone. If there are any marks/injuries, I’d get her checked. I’d also tell him very clearly that hitting her is not acceptable and cannot happen again — but only have that conversation if you feel safe doing so.
You don’t have to decide your whole marriage today, but I definitely wouldn’t minimise this just because he had a headache or she was being “defiant.” She’s 3. Testing boundaries is normal; being hit repeatedly by a parent isn’t. 🤍

What has helped with my husband who tended to shut down on me when he’s feeling overwhelmed was to give him time to calm down before trying to re-address it. I would offer my support as a partner whether through a comforting hug and kiss or by supporting him through small acts that I know he appreciates. If I was upset by it too this is sometimes delayed until I’ve calmed down myself too. Taking time for this step helped him think we were addressing it together rather than being opposing forces.

Since he would try to dismiss my explanations I would forward excerpts or short videos on child development - normal behavior for the age and suggestions on how to handle it -from the experts. Sometimes he wouldn’t take the advice well from me as I think he felt I was either criticizing him or coming from an emotional place of wanting to comfort my child (which is not wrong) but he wanted to be sure there was logic behind that, you know? That we weren’t perpetuating “bad behavior”.

Would he respond to reason? Could you send him articles and studies on the harms of spanking? Can you keep trying to have a conversation with him? Ask him if he was spanked, and if he was, what did it teach him? To not get caught doing something bad. Did it bring him closer to his parents to confide in them? Very doubtful. Could you help him identify what triggers him to be reactive and spank? Could you try telling him other ways to respond? Or tell him that if he feels like he wants to spank, to instead take a moment to breathe and think of a natural consequence instead or to talk to you to get help on what to do.
I think you’d have to keep talking to him over and over until he gets it. And of course modeling to him how to respond to your child when she tests the boundaries.