I’m really struggling with my relationship — what would you do?

My parents stayed together for the kids and it meant us growing up in a toxic household where neither of them were happy and everyone was always on edge waiting for the next argument. So imo keeping the family together is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. If you’re giving him one more chance I would lay down some firm boundaries and agreements. He would need to be getting on a proper program, AA meetings, getting a sponsor, committing to stop drinking forever. Know that he is an addict, there is every chance that he will fall off the wagon, so you need to think about whether you can live the rest of your life with the knowledge this may happen, whether you can support him e.g. he is sober for years and an event triggers him to go out, maybe you could support through that, but not him messing up after a couple of weeks/months. This must be so tough but you need to prioritise you and your daughter and think about the early memories she is forming. It can’t go on like this.

I don’t know if I have advice but I just want to say I’m so sorry. I understand what this is like as a child of an alcoholic mother. I want to give you a little hope by saying my mother is now sober and has been for 14 years.

Unfortunately it wasn’t without losing her marriage to my father.

There’s lots of factors that go into this but the main one is your child is starting to be old enough to pick up on things. Even if she can’t understand, I’m sure she’d notice that daddy is acting weird. And to me that is heartbreaking.

For some people, ultimatums work. For others, it creates more deception by trying to hide the drinking. Do you think he’d change his act if you told him you’ll kick him out? You could even give him 1-3 months to find help or something. But you have to mean it, if you don’t think you can do it, then better try something else.

Idk your name but I will say a prayer for you, your daughter, and your partner.

Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’ve reached out to him but then when he’s out that’s obviously not at the forefront of his mind. Possibly some time away from each other could be the push he needs to get some help? You could always frame it as a temporary separation to give him the opportunity to work on himself as it doesn’t feel like he has the motivation and commitment right now towards bettering himself for your family. It sounds like your daughter is already starting to notice everything going on, so I guess sometimes the harder choices are the better in the long run for the mental wellbeing of our kids as they get older. Sending love ❤️

I agree with Lauren about the temporary separation. Instead of giving him another chance with the idea that THEN he will change, you could say to him that you can’t keep living like this but he is welcome back if he gets help and shows that he can stay sober for x amount of time.
One thing I’d say from your post that probably isn’t true- he probably can’t go out and have just one or two drinks. Most alcoholic people can’t. So if the conversation up until now has been about moderation, that part may need to change.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope he’s able to get treatment and stick to it for the sake of your family.

That’s alcoholism in a nutshell. He can’t control himself around alcohols. He needs to get professional help, but that needs to come from himself. I think you need to be more firm and stand your ground with him, that he gets help or you get a divorce. It will only gets worse from here. No child needs to have a person like that around as a dad. It’s going to be a difficult thing to do, but if he truly loves you and your daughter he will want to get better. It’s a huge problem that a lot of people downplay and often wait too long until the consequences become far worse than “urinating on the sofa”. You need to take a stance and make it loud and clear. Your daughter is learning, and I’m sure you don’t want her to think that this behaviour is normal and okay growing up either. I made it clear from day 1 with my partner, if we are going to have a life and a family together he needs to quit smoking, it’s a bonus that he has also stopped drinking as well. He never touch them now.