Partners and resentment / postpartum rage - what is the division of labour everyone doing and how are you coping ?
My partner works fully remotely yet does only 1-2 hours of childcare a day and sleeps in a separate room. I think he’s not doing enough but what’s your routine / schedules like ?
We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since I was about 34 weeks pregnant. Now our baby is 3.5 months old we’ve sort of carried it on. Initially I was ok with this as I was recovering from a c section but I’m getting resentful I do every single night feed/change/bottle run with baby and hoping him being in the room means he does some and becomes part of this experience too. She still has 3 feeds a night, I don’t co sleep and she’s combi fed so it’s not like it’s all on me BF. When our baby was born my partner did three weeks of the night shifts with the baby before returning to work so he’s very bonded with her and capable.
I’ve repeatedly asked him when he’s coming back into the bedroom and he’s made a million excuses, ‘it’s too hot, he needs his sleep because he’s working etc…
And I’ve also asked him to do just bedtime or any overnight support - even on weekends he doesn’t, he will on a Sunday or Saturday take the baby ‘early’ from 8am so I can have a lie in. But he refuses any other night engagement and so doesn’t see or touch the baby between 6.30pm - 9.30am. The few times we have shared a bed he’s not stirred at all in the night when she’s crying next to us. It feels intentional because how can he just sleep through it?!
On the otherside of the coin he does 50% of bathtimes, occasionally takes baby out for a few hours so I can rest or relax, does dinner 90% of the time, orders all the formula and nappies, does the food shop, does most of the laundry, pays for all bills and the house (which is in his name anyway). But I have the baby a solid 22/23 hours a day and he genuinely says well you’re on holiday you’re not working. He has quite a traditional belief system so sees his role as provider not caregiver which drives me nuts as I’d rather equality not division.
What’s more frustrating is that I know his job isn’t that demanding at the moment because he goes 2hr daily gym sessions during his work day as well as all day drinks with colleagues and friends. I feel like I have to ask permission to go to the dentist or have a haircut when he’s just booking lad trips away or nights out left right and centre.
Ultimately I feel like we are living two separate realities under the same roof.
Is this how it is for everyone else on mat leave ? How are we dealing with our partners, managing rage and becoming a default parent ? Am I expecting too much - is this just what motherhood is?
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The way your feeling is completely normal, my partner works away so I solo parent 5 days a week. When he's back he'll feed the baby maybe once or twice over the weekend and will hold him for a few minutes and look for a scape goat!
I'd try communicating your feelings in a calm way try your hardest not to get angry/upset because that just creates and roundabout argument trust me. It helped me to note everything down so I didn't forget anything or get flustered. You'll be able to tell a lot from his response/reaction and you can decide next steps then. But honestly I think a lot of it is down to his views on the primary parent and unfortunately it's the same for a lot of women.
Also try to remember this is the toughest it'll be, your baby needs you for everything. So the burden is its greatest right now. It will get easier.
I find it's best to communicate and set expectations. Don't ask to go for a shower or a hair cut tell him you are he's the dad!
Hang in there mama ❤️
It sounds like you guys didn’t agree on what roles you guys would be playing for the baby so your partner has just defaulted to what he thinks should happen. I’d highly suggest having a big chat with him. You guys don’t wanna be drifting apart during this special moment and it’s important that you support each other when you’re both struggling with whatever it is. In your case, it sounds like the nighttime shift - you really need to be talking to him about how you feel. Everyone’s journey is different so it might not be the same as yours.
Personally, my husband and I have agreed to share everything, depending on his working pattern. We even spoken about split maternity leave as caring for a baby on your own can be quite isolating.
The only suggestion here is to have a massive chat with your man - sleeping in separate rooms can also make you guys drift even further too. I hope you guys work out x
Gosh I would hit the roof. This would simply not go down well in my house.
Stop asking, start telling !
Participating in some household chores is not enough. Being a partner and father requires a lot more than that.
Why is the house in his name ? And why do you not have access to money ? (Obvs no need to actually answer) but this seems like a red flags to me ontop of all the other things mentioned
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Partners and resentment / postpartum rage - what is the division of labour everyone doing and how are you coping ?
My partner works fully remotely yet does only 1-2 hours of childcare a day and sleeps in a separate room. I think he’s not doing enough but what’s your routine / schedules like ?
We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since I was about 34 weeks pregnant. Now our baby is 3.5 months old we’ve sort of carried it on. Initially I was ok with this as I was recovering from a c section but I’m getting resentful I do every single night feed/change/bottle run with baby and hoping him being in the room means he does some and becomes part of this experience too. She still has 3 feeds a night, I don’t co sleep and she’s combi fed so it’s not like it’s all on me BF. When our baby was born my partner did three weeks of the night shifts with the baby before returning to work so he’s very bonded with her and capable.
I’ve repeatedly asked him when he’s coming back into the bedroom and he’s made a million excuses, ‘it’s too hot, he needs his sleep because he’s working etc…
And I’ve also asked him to do just bedtime or any overnight support - even on weekends he doesn’t, he will on a Sunday or Saturday take the baby ‘early’ from 8am so I can have a lie in. But he refuses any other night engagement and so doesn’t see or touch the baby between 6.30pm - 9.30am. The few times we have shared a bed he’s not stirred at all in the night when she’s crying next to us. It feels intentional because how can he just sleep through it?!
On the otherside of the coin he does 50% of bathtimes, occasionally takes baby out for a few hours so I can rest or relax, does dinner 90% of the time, orders all the formula and nappies, does the food shop, does most of the laundry, pays for all bills and the house (which is in his name anyway). But I have the baby a solid 22/23 hours a day and he genuinely says well you’re on holiday you’re not working. He has quite a traditional belief system so sees his role as provider not caregiver which drives me nuts as I’d rather equality not division.
What’s more frustrating is that I know his job isn’t that demanding at the moment because he goes 2hr daily gym sessions during his work day as well as all day drinks with colleagues and friends. I feel like I have to ask permission to go to the dentist or have a haircut when he’s just booking lad trips away or nights out left right and centre.
Ultimately I feel like we are living two separate realities under the same roof.
Is this how it is for everyone else on mat leave ? How are we dealing with our partners, managing rage and becoming a default parent ? Am I expecting too much - is this just what motherhood is?
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