Has anyone else really struggled with their marriage since having a baby? ❤️

For context - my husband and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years and had 4 miscarriages before we finally got our rainbow baby a few months ago.

Since having our baby, my husband and I seem to be stuck in a cycle of arguing over things that escalate into much bigger issues than they need to. I'll feel hurt, try to explain why, he'll feel like I'm blaming him and get defensive, then I'll feel unheard and get more upset. Afterwards I end up overthinking everything and wondering how we can stop repeating the same pattern.

I've been making a real effort to work on my own mental health and make positive changes, both for myself and for our relationship. I think what's hurting me most is that I don't feel like my husband is putting the same effort into his own wellbeing. He says he wants us to stop arguing, and he does make thoughtful gestures for me, which I appreciate. But I want to feel like he's also choosing to make changes because he wants to feel better and improve our relationship too. I don't want to have to tell him exactly what to do, because then I feel like I'm still responsible for making everything happen.

His work involves shifts, so I'm alone with the baby a lot and spend far too much time in my own head thinking about our relationship. I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out how we can get better, whereas he seems much more able to focus on the good parts of our life. Sometimes it hurts that he doesn't seem as affected by how we're doing as I am.

I'm exhausted by how much I'm thinking about it all. Every time we argue, it feels like we're no closer to getting better, and I'm finding it hard to picture us getting past this. I love him and want our marriage to work, but I feel like I'm carrying so much of the emotional effort and I don't know what else to do.

Has anyone else felt like this after having a baby? How did you stop the same arguments happening over and over? How did you stop overthinking your relationship? And if you've been through a period where things felt really difficult and you couldn't see a way forward, what actually helped you get through it?

I could really do with hearing from people who've been there and come out the other side. ❤️

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Yes 100%. I personally went through everything you are describing and I hear you. It’s a tough position to be in and really hard to navigate.

You are in a very vulnerable position right now. It’s a new and exciting phase of your life but you are mentally, physically and emotionally at your limit. You are taking care of someone while still learning what to do and doubting yourself all the time. You need support and when is lacking everything spiral even the smallest things.

In my case, i was a very independent woman before becoming a mother and even the dynamic with my husband didn’t include him helping me with pretty much anything. Enter a son and suddenly overnight my body feels in pieces, I’m not sleeping or eating, I’m scared over the simplest decisions and I’m desperate for someone to take care of me. My husband did not understand any of this. For him I was the same strong woman, just had one more thing to take care of and just needed to tell him what to do. WRONG.

It's so tough. To be fair, my husband does help out a lot with the baby, but it just feels like spending time with me is never his first choice and that he doesn't seem to want to be around me anymore and it's really tearing me up 💔

In short, having children often changes the relationship between you & your partner. What’s important is that you communicate with each other & work through these issues. Would yall be open to marriage counseling?

What helped me was:

1. Acknowledge what I was going through and that I needed help. Concrete help, someone taking the lead cause i was exhausted.
2. Acknowledge that my husband was not used to taking the lead and taking care of me so it was unfair to ask him to do so overnight BUT he needed to show me he was trying.
3. List what is a non negotiable for YOU and put it down as a new FAMILY rule. For me one was no phone around the baby. If you are looking at your phone, it means I’m watching the baby. Why are YOU not watching the baby?

To be completely honest with you, it was really rough with my husband for a very long time. My hope that it would take care of me turned into anger when he didn’t and failed me and the to Grief. Every time I looked at a husband trying to make a baby nap in public I would tear up because he never did that for me. I was always the one to take care of this stuff so I really hope that you are able to communicate what you need and your husband steps up!

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