Mum has asked to be at the birth and I said no…

I’m having my first baby in January and my mum asked me today whether I’d like her to be in the room alongside my husband for the birth of little boy. I could tell she asked because it’s something she really wants but I felt it was important to be honest and say that I really just want it to be my husband and I, but would absolutely love for her to be in the waiting room and the first to meet him after us.

I received a really hostile response back and she told me that her best friend witnessed her daughter’s birth and she feels like I don’t love her as much / im not listening to her feelings because I don’t want to go down that route. It then became quite a negative conversation around how she feels left behind and that I only go to her ‘when I need something’.

It’s made me feel really emotional and turbulent and it’s made me feel quite sad because I feel like she’s not listening to what I want and my boundaries but instead making me feel bad for what is ultimately my decision.

Has anyone had something similar happen? How did you navigate the conversation after?

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It’s not a show.

No one is entitled to watch you undergo medical treatment.

I had my husband with me only both times. My mum said to me “this is the biggest moment of your life when you become a proper little family” and told me it’s the right decision. She wasn’t there for my first because of Covid but baby 2 she flew in to look after our toddler. She was the first to meet him and was over the moon.

I GET that our mums are scared for us. I GET that they are excited for us. However, this is OUR moment not theirs. This is US becoming a mum, this is them becoming a dad. Grandma and grandad have moved down the sliding pecking order at this point.

Stand your ground because honestly, if she can’t respect your boundaries now do you really believe she will when you are giving birth and vulnerable? Will she respect what you want and need them? What daddy says on behalf of you? What a midwife says? Or is she reliving her moment and going to push “well i did this” xx

My mom never asked for either of my kids if I ever had more the answer would be no

My mom hasn’t asked to be in the room but we live in different countries and she wanted to come and stay with us close to birth to be there when baby is home. I declined and only allowed her to come when baby was 3 weeks old as I wanted to get the hang of it before having anyone else in my ear telling me how I’m supposed to do things or how I’m exaggerating with my rules (i.e. no kissing the baby, wash your hands before holding baby, don’t come if you’re sick, things like that)

Your mum should know your boundaries no is no and it should remain that way unless YOU feel like having her there don’t ever compromise your privacy and boundaries for someone’s feelings because they don’t respect yours . Doesn’t matter who it is respect goes both ways .

As someone with an emotionally immature parent myself, shes manipulating you and using DARVO.

The single most important thing you can do to help your birth run smoothly is to have it on your terms and how you are comfortable.

I dont know why you dont want your mum in the room, but your feelings are valid and tbh a lot of people only have their partner there.

in our community

I feel so stuck 😫

I am 36 years old (& yes by now, I should have known better, ik) and I feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life. I got pregnant shortly after meeting my 3rd baby's father. We were together 3 months before finding a house together. Worst mistake ever. He is a very narcissistic, manipulative person who thinks every thing has to be his way or not at all. The first half of our relationship revolved around his stresses (financial and mental) and he literally told me he couldnt focus on the relationship or the pregnancy until he felt like he got better. I had a hard time with that. Our relationship hadnt really even started, we had a kid on the way, & yet we werent working on our relationship and my feelings never seemed to matter because he was going through "worse" things.

Now his mental state has got better for himself at least (now that hes caught up on bills and such), but he still absolutely has zero empathy and consideration for me and my feelings. Has only been to one doctors appt over these past 8 months, never talks about baby or asks, & constantly stresses me out with him accusing me of talking to other guys. He doesn't help around the house at all and the one thing he has bought for baby, I pushed him to do it. Everything else, my family or I have got.

If I try to ignore him and go about my day without issues he'll blow up my phone and cause issues and accuse me of cheating. Like yesterday, I tried dojng something positive for myself throughout this pregnancy, tried having one good memory through it, by going out and doing a little maternity shoot. I never did a maternity shoot with my first two, so this was an entirely new experience for me and I was hoping it would make me feel good at least for one night. He couldnt even let me have that. Kept accusing me of being out on a date all night. He threatened to move all of my stuff out of my room so i didnt know what i was going to come back home to. Meanwhile he can go out EVERY Thursday and have drinks with his coworkers, and go to adult skating with his friends "for his mental health". & I get called crazy & insecure if I question what hes doing.

Im on this lease with him for another year and a half, even if i broke it and moved, I am 8 months pregnant and going on maternity leave soon. & there has been absolutely zero rentals lately in the area I need for my girls school district. He has his two kids on the weekends and can live wherever he pleases because his kids go to school while with their mom. He has less stuff than I do. Yet he refuses to make anything easy on me. He wont move and is constantly starting petty arguments , such as food my kids eat that he buys. They are teens and sometimes sneak food, who didnt at their age? & the food is literally a few dollars.

I just feel so damn stuck and unhappy. Idk what to do anymore 😫 I feel horrible for how much I changed up my kids lives. I was so stable and independent before I met him.

Idk what I expect to get out of this post, but just needed to rant cus I have absolutely zero people to talk to about it.

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