MIL Advice
I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. We had a rough time around a year in due to his mental health, but he is doing so well now and we’re stronger than ever!
There have been a few things that his mum has said, and now I don’t want to see her or spend time with her alone. I just wanted everyone’s thoughts.
The first thing was when we got the mortgage. My partner received an inheritance, but I put in the exact same amount towards the deposit because I helped him pay off his car, which removed a bill before we applied for the mortgage. She told him we shouldn’t have gone 50/50 because of this, giving him more financial security.
I moved on from it as I thought, she just wants the best for her son.
We planned this pregnancy and have saved over £10,000 for financial security. The majority of the savings are from me as I have a higher income. I do not mind this, as I’ll be taking a full year off work, and him contributing means a lot because it allows me to.
We have since gotten along well, including her messaging me decor ideas and gardening tips.
When we told her I was pregnant, she cried. I knew it was because she wasn’t happy, but my partner wanted to hope that she was just processing. Still, she congratulated us.
A few weeks later, she told him she was worried he was going to be ‘trapped’ and end up paying ‘child maintenance.’
He stood up for me and told her this was way out of line.
She apologised and said it wasn’t her intention, and that she was just worried about his mental health. For context, at the beginning of the year he was extremely low; this was all as a result of his employer treating him awfully. He has a new job and is THRIVING, back to my weird, happy, and hyperactive partner.
She said she made those comments because she was worried about his mental health and the pressure on our relationship. Despite the fact that I was the one here.. every day supporting him and getting him through it, whilst she called him once or twice a week to check in. She ended up staying at ours for a week so he wasn’t alone which I was grateful for. But she only experience a week of it, I got him through almost 3 months until he started his new job.
The comments felt very personal because I grew up on a council estate and in an abusive household and she knows that. In my opinion, if that’s what she was worried about, that’s what she should have said. But given everything I have done to support him, the comments aren’t justified in my opinion.
She then blamed her upbringing and how her life has been so hard, including the divorce from his dad. She’s very negative about his dad and refuses to see him, even though it would mean missing her own daughter’s wedding.
My partner still talks to her, and I don’t expect him to stop. She has not sent me a single message—not even an apology—since. It’s been weeks.
My stance is that I will go to family gatherings if she is there, but I will not make any trips to see her or stay at her house like we used to. She can see the baby as much as she likes, but I don’t want to see or speak to her unless I have to. She doesn’t even know if she’s going to hold the baby, as she’s also said she doesn’t like babies. I won’t let her impact my daughter.
My partner understands and won’t push it, but I still feel bad.
For me, because I grew up abused, I’m not willing to be treated or spoken about like that. Had she apologised, I could have moved on, but she’s made no contact with me since.
Am I being unreasonable?
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I don’t think you’re in the wrong to feel how you feel at all,
However, it sounds like you’re very mature about the situation and can communicate well with your partner, and for me sometimes I think it’s easier and better to show up than to give someone a reason to be more agitated, she clearly has some issues that she hasn’t resolved herself, and whilst this isn’t yours or anybody else’s responsibility, sometimes it’s easier to take pitty and just go about your normal life, if it was going to cause any kind of difficulty for my partner I think I would quite simply put some firm boundaries in place with both his mil and discuss them with him, but try not to make it more of an issue than it already is, I’m lucky to have a really lovely mil, but my partner has definitely dealt with some comments from my family and I’m so glad he still shows up for me 100% of the time.
No you aren't, and it is great your husband supports you.
The only thing I would say is I wouldn't let my kid visit her without me until I felt comfortable she was not acting like that again. Because whatever she has against you she might project onto your kid as she grows (probably won't apply during baby stage but more as get older). She might not as well but I would just be mindful of it.
I say this as someone whose dad's fam projected stuff onto me as a kid. We have a great relationship now but as a kid I wish my mum had been around to see it more (parents weren't together).
So I would say for the sake of being present whenever she is around your kid I would almost let it go. And restart visiting whenever your husband visits.
Of course, we have discussed boundaries. I will still see her and will be civil and polite. I just mean that I won’t be going to stay with her for a week like we used to (she lives in Somerset so we would use it as a staycation)
I won’t stop her seeing the baby unless her issues impact the baby. I’m worried that her refusing to hold the baby and spent time with her young will impact the baby’s self esteem and self worth.
I will just have to see how that goes.
I definitely will not be trusting her alone, my partner is already in agreement with this.
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MIL Advice
I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. We had a rough time around a year in due to his mental health, but he is doing so well now and we’re stronger than ever!
There have been a few things that his mum has said, and now I don’t want to see her or spend time with her alone. I just wanted everyone’s thoughts.
The first thing was when we got the mortgage. My partner received an inheritance, but I put in the exact same amount towards the deposit because I helped him pay off his car, which removed a bill before we applied for the mortgage. She told him we shouldn’t have gone 50/50 because of this, giving him more financial security.
I moved on from it as I thought, she just wants the best for her son.
We planned this pregnancy and have saved over £10,000 for financial security. The majority of the savings are from me as I have a higher income. I do not mind this, as I’ll be taking a full year off work, and him contributing means a lot because it allows me to.
We have since gotten along well, including her messaging me decor ideas and gardening tips.
When we told her I was pregnant, she cried. I knew it was because she wasn’t happy, but my partner wanted to hope that she was just processing. Still, she congratulated us.
A few weeks later, she told him she was worried he was going to be ‘trapped’ and end up paying ‘child maintenance.’
He stood up for me and told her this was way out of line.
She apologised and said it wasn’t her intention, and that she was just worried about his mental health. For context, at the beginning of the year he was extremely low; this was all as a result of his employer treating him awfully. He has a new job and is THRIVING, back to my weird, happy, and hyperactive partner.
She said she made those comments because she was worried about his mental health and the pressure on our relationship. Despite the fact that I was the one here.. every day supporting him and getting him through it, whilst she called him once or twice a week to check in. She ended up staying at ours for a week so he wasn’t alone which I was grateful for. But she only experience a week of it, I got him through almost 3 months until he started his new job.
The comments felt very personal because I grew up on a council estate and in an abusive household and she knows that. In my opinion, if that’s what she was worried about, that’s what she should have said. But given everything I have done to support him, the comments aren’t justified in my opinion.
She then blamed her upbringing and how her life has been so hard, including the divorce from his dad. She’s very negative about his dad and refuses to see him, even though it would mean missing her own daughter’s wedding.
My partner still talks to her, and I don’t expect him to stop. She has not sent me a single message—not even an apology—since. It’s been weeks.
My stance is that I will go to family gatherings if she is there, but I will not make any trips to see her or stay at her house like we used to. She can see the baby as much as she likes, but I don’t want to see or speak to her unless I have to. She doesn’t even know if she’s going to hold the baby, as she’s also said she doesn’t like babies. I won’t let her impact my daughter.
My partner understands and won’t push it, but I still feel bad.
For me, because I grew up abused, I’m not willing to be treated or spoken about like that. Had she apologised, I could have moved on, but she’s made no contact with me since.
Am I being unreasonable?
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