in

Venting (judge free)

Dealing with entitlement towards your baby

How do you deal with people feeling entitled towards your baby, particularly family members? I’m really struggling with my in-laws behaviour around this and it’s creating so much tension in my relationship with my partner.

For context, when I was pregnant we lived 5 minutes from them and 20 minutes from my family. My MIL would appear at our door at times unannounced, even when I was WFH). We’ve now moved exactly and are now the same distance from both our families.
When we told them I was very early pregnant, they quickly went out and bought things like bottle/sterilising kits without knowing if we had a preference for anything (although it was appreciated, it then meant we couldn’t go for something we preferred). Same with clothes, they bought a large amount in styles that are similar in style to their other granddaughter but nothing like any style that makes sense for us. They’ve also made comments about how much they need to buy for Christmas without asking us if there’s anything we do/don’t want/need, and making comments about how we don’t need to buy a lot but they’re “grandparents so we can buy whatever we like”.

I had a fall during pregnancy and had to wait around 36 hours to find out if baby was okay. We were both then messaged 5-6 times for a scan picture which we both felt was inappropriate. When my partner emphasised it was a scan for baby’s wellbeing and reminded his mum of boundaries, she lost her temper and said things like boundaries don’t matter because of her being his mum.

Since having my baby I’ve become really anxious around trusting them with the boundaries we feel comfortable with. We have watched them override boundaries with their other grandchild.

For example, one of our boundaries is that we have a no kissing rule (for everyone minus myself and my partner). My FIL suffers from cold sores and kisses his other grandchild on the lips which I worry has created an expectation for our daughter (which I will be very strict on NOT happening!). We also get messages demanding to have pictures of the baby sent most days (which also then get put into AI platforms 😖). They’ve also been pushy about having baby themselves which I do not feel comfortable with at this point in time.

It all came to a head a few weeks ago when my partner said we would see his parents a few hours later. We were then told no that doesn’t suit us and they were coming now. My partner reminded them that we have the baby and it needs to work for her/us. He then got a barrage of messages about how they only see her once a week (this is at a minimum and they’ve often seen her more than this), about how my parents will see her more and how now we have moved, they knew they wouldn’t see us, and how they’re grandparents so they should be able to turn up to ours whenever they like.

I feel it’s now planted a seed in my partners head about the grandparents needing to have equal time, despite my parents never putting pressure on us to see them or ever feeling like our boundaries are disrespected. This has also now created situations where my partner will find problems with my parents, despite having a great relationship with them. My MIL does not acknowledge or apologise for her behaviour which I feel makes me distance myself from her as I struggle with how she behaves.

I also have had situations where I’ve been holding my baby and my FIL has come and taken her out my hands without asking to “give mum a break”, as well as asked me to hand her back over to my MIL (after she’d already had her for a period of time) so that “she’d be happy with how much time she’d got with her”.

Am I ridiculous for feeling like they are just ruining my postpartum experience and potentially ruining my relationship? With my own family I know I can say something and it is listened to, whereas my partner doesn’t have that dynamic with his parents. I want to have a good relationship with them but I feel like we are expected to do things in a way that will keep them happy rather than having the opportunity to learn how to be parents ourselves.