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First time mums

Mixed feelings

Hi, I guess I just need a place to vent and someone to listen.

My daughter is about to turn 1, and I am feeling a whole bunch of different emotions. I feel regret because for most of her first year, I was sad most of the time because I was dealing with so much loss, suffering and pain in my own life that I feel I missed out on being fully present. At the same time, I know I did the best that I could while also carrying so much alone. I have been alone during my pregnancy and motherhood. Lots of people say they are alone too, but always have a best friend or a mother present. I have been alone, entirely, on my own, without 1 person. My family traumatised me, my friends betrayed me, and I was left to deal with pregnancy, birth, and motherhood alone. I love my daughter with every fibre of my being but somehow still struggle with being patient, kind and loving at times. A part of me is resentful because I sometimes wish I never had a child, but I know that is only because I am doing it alone. If I had people around me, if I had support, if I had love, if I had someone pouring into me the way I constantly pour into her, I feel I would be a much more grateful and joyful mother. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a bad mother and I don’t treat her badly. I just lose my temper sometimes, or don’t have the patience to slow down sometimes. I feel so much guilt and sadness when these moments or sometimes days happen. Sometimes I treat her like I don’t want her around, but that isn’t true: it’s me who is carrying pain and who is hurt about where my life is. She deserves pure love and nothing less. I am just so tired of life. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of not having support or love in my life. I’m tired of living in a tiny studio apartment and feeling like I’m not a good enough mother for not being able to provide a bigger home for her. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of trying to meet new people and then always ending up not being able to connect with them because of toxic or unhealthy behaviour that I refuse to tolerate. I’m tired of life feeling like an uphill battle. I’m tired of feeling like I am of less value because I have a child and cannot do the things that I want to do. I’m tired of feeling like God has left and forgotten me. I don’t want to be here anymore, and yet I can’t give up on my daughter because I’m all she has and I refuse to abandon her the way I was abandoned by mine. I’m just so tired.

Thank you for listening.