What do we consider cheating?

I don’t think I consider this cheating but I’m hurt anyway. I was on my partners phone to play music for baby, mine had died, and he was getting notifications to join lives and alerts for people that he had interacted with posting. I checked and he follows women who post nothing but half naked pictures. The thing that upsets me is that they look nothing like me.

He follows thick columbians and I’m the complete opposite. Sex has been painful and difficult postpartum. His reasoning what that we’re not having sex. Porn I can understand and would assume, but following real women that look nothing like me? I couldn’t even figure out how many, at least 10-20 or more.

It’s not like I don’t try other things, he won’t let me do anything if penetration is involved.

I’m probably triggered as well bc when I was a child, I would see my dad on the computer looking at pictures of naked women and more on his phone/camera.

I had said so many times to my partner that it must be horrible if your partner masturbates to people that look nothing like you. I’m not sure why I’m surprised.

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A couple of points here I want to address.

I would try to let go of the idea that because he’s fantasizing about women who don’t have similar traits as you, that he’s not attracted to you. Attraction is not limited to just one look, and it’s very common and normal for fantasy to include something novel, without feeling like you want it to replace who you’re with in real life.

Did you explain to him that you don’t mind if he watches porn but you don’t like that he feels the need to follow accounts of women? I agree this takes it to a different level because now it’s putting what should be kept private on display for anyone who follows his page, and gives him a line of communication to the women as well. That’s a hard boundary for me too.

I don’t even know how many times I begged him while I was pregnant to try and help me figure out a way for us to have sex. Penetration was painful early on and he didn’t want us to do anything.

Unpopular opinion but porn and following half naked women are the exact same thing in my mind. They’re both him lusting after someone who isn’t you. And for my marriage? That’s emotional cheating and I won’t tolerate it. My husband used to follow porn subreddits and finding that felt the exact same as when I had found cheating messages on his phone. It’s the same in my mind. You don’t have to tolerate it just because other women allow it in their relationship

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