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Incognito Only! 👻

My husband is a porn addict.

When we first started dating I was okay with it but then I realized just how big of an issue it was and I was not okay with it anymore.
He promised he wouldn’t anymore.
Few months go by and again, he’s watching porn but not just porn he’s watching shatter bait. Which is basically cam girls.
Again, he promises to stop.
Back and fourth back and fourth for years.
Four years ago I came across him sexting with other women on a dating app while I was on bed rest with our son.
He told me porn couldn’t do it for him anymore and I wasn’t pleasing him.
He admitted to being an addict and whatever bull shit story of how he’d get help.
Then Covid hit and that was his excuse for not going to AA or getting into therapy.
He sworn me up and down the last four years he’s been doing great and he’s been tempted but he chooses to stay away for our family. We’ve doing fantastic and we’ve never been better.
Then one day he tells me he’s bisexual and he really wants to be with a man.
I’m of course trying to be understanding because I myself am also bisexual so I understand how hard coming to me with something like that is and we can absolutely look into seeing how we could make that happen for him because thank goodness, FINALLY, he isn’t sneaking around and is honest.
We had talked about opening up our marriage before in the past but determined at that time our communication sucked and since we put in so much affort, I for sure thought it could a great idea WITH THE HELP OF A THERAPIST to guide us and help us navigate.

He tripped and dove straight in.
Downloaded all the apps.
Messages from all these men.

Found one who I was actually super supportive of because he was super respectful. Even would ask about me.
But it was ALL he’d talk about. While we were watching tv. If we were cuddling in bed. Even when talking about s3x with me he was talking about how excited he was for having s3x with this guy.
Which I KNOW I agreed to but we also had boundaries that married time was married time and we could discuss the other stuff but it was excessive to say the least.
My husband asked how I felt about sexting and I can fully admit I did not handle it well.
I had zero clue just how much his previous actions had hurt me and I was there crying and wanting to be comforted and instead he just kept talking about how turned on he was and started 🤚 🥩 right next to me as I had full blown tears running down my face and snot bubbles blowing out of my nose.

I can honestly say I have never ever felt more disrespected in my entire life.

It’s so hard for me to be vulnerable but as I was he was getting off on the thought of sexting with this person.

A couple hours went by and he started trying to excuse his actions by saying he realizes he’s in a manic episode and that’s why he’s been so impulsive without thinking about my emotions and I told him it wasn’t an excuse because I’m also bipolar and would never EVER disrespect him this way EVER.
And told him trying this just brought out a lot more emotion in me than I was prepared for because of the past cheating but I was really proud of him for coming to me this time without going behind my back and I could see the instant I said that he had guilt in his eyes.

I was like have you watched porn in the last four years?
And reluctantly he said “yes”
And of course I was taken back because continuingly he’s said he’s got his porn addiction controlled and he’s fine buuut he’s been lying to my face for FOUR YEARS?!

I asked when the last time was and he said he didn’t know…
He. Didn’t. Know.

I swear he was making the same face our seven year old makes when he gets caught lying and is too afraid of getting in trouble to admit what he did.

I got up. Put on my shoes and was like okay if you can’t be honest than I can’t be here and I’m going to my sister’s house.

And he was like “if I tell you, you gotta promise we will work through this.”

I told him OH so you do remember?!
Now you’re just straight up lying to me.

…. Three days ago.

And he never stopped watching porn.

Not even for a moment.

We have a therapy appointment next week we scheduled to help us with the open marriages but I think I’m going to utilize it and have them help us with closure instead.

He’s over and over again made ME feel guilty about still bringing up the sexting incident but something in my gut told me not to and I guess now I understand why.

I can’t stand being around him because he’s so good at manipulating me to stay and I don’t want to be manipulated into staying again…

I have no where to go until I graduate school but my best friend is going to help me move with her ASAP to Oregon.
Unfortunately the soonest I can leave is possibly Aug-May depending on school. 😮‍💨