My husband had a baby I didn’t know about

If you were monogamous at the time, of course you can be mad. The fact that he hid it for the 4 years since is a huge betrayal.

You are 100% valid to be upset! Whether you were dating for only three months or three years it does not matter cheating is cheating. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug, unless you truly do feel like he is not the same man from all those years ago. I think you also have to factor in other things like did he know this entire time and did not tell you? Because if that’s the case, honestly, I would not even keep him in my life if I were you because that’s just some thing so terrible to keep from who is supposed to be your life partner. His mom probably didn’t say anything because at the end of the day that is her son :/ I think you should let yourself ask him the questions and hopefully he will be truthful with you because if you don’t ask the questions it could just have you build up resentment. If you truly do want to work it out then maybe having the conversation and talking through it will help you guys overcome this. Sending love🩵🩵

While you have 100% in feeling what you feel and I'm not sure how I would take it if I were you. You were 3 months in that's fresh and new dis you guys make it exclusive?

I’m sorry your experiencing this and while pregnant. That is a huge betrayal. If you guys were committed and exclusive, it’s cheating and unacceptable. Don’t ignore your feelings, it’ll just make things worse. Be true to yourself and do what you feel is best for you.

Yes you should be not only did he cheat on you and lied about it. He didnt even mention getting a girl pregnant and still went on to marry you without letting you know all of this was going on. If my husband did something like that i would kick his ass and toss him out. Thats a major betrayal and the trust is severed deeply at that point. Also, wouldnt want anything to do with the woman or the child but thats just me. Bless your heart if you continue to have a relationship with your husband and start caring for the child he didnt tell you about for years. And to be pregnant while all this is happening. I wouldve have flipped.

Just to clarify he didn’t know he had a child as well. Totally out the blue for us both!

that’s a little harsh. For all we know the condom broke or another type of birth control failed, him and OP hadn’t discussed exclusivity yet (3 months into a new relationship) and the guy had no idea until now. Maybe the baby mama had multiple partners and was narrowing it down trying to figure out who the father is. I’m sure he loves his wife and this is difficult for him too. Personally, I would just want to be sure that he didn’t know about the kid/have contact with the other woman the whole time. That would be a betrayal.

@OP sending you love and strength. You’ll get through this ❤️

I agree with , this is a bit harsh. My husband and I spent 4ish months hooking up but not being exclusive when we first started out, I had recently been through a breakup and didn't want to talk serious relationships yet so I was cool with just knowing he could sleep around if he wanted. Once we decide to be exclusive though any other hookups were stopped.
I'll also add that everybody here knows he didn't have to cum to get someone pregnant, shit can happen and has happened to people. Maybe keep your insecurities to yourself

@incognito, I'm sure it will be quite an adjustment, I hope you guys find a way to make this work for everyone while welcoming your own baby soon!

Regardless he still slept with somone else while he was with you and didnt tell you. He still put you health at risk and didnt say anything. Once you guys started dating he shouldnt have been messing with other females simply out of respect for what you guys had going on unless there was a different agreement during that time which i doubt based off of what you initially wrote. I dont believe he didnt know about this but if it is true and he really didnt know then that is still is problem. I wouldnt want to have anything to do with an outside kid. In fact i would be disappointed and upset that the baby im carrying inst going to be his first as well as mine. I chose someone that i knew didnt have kids yet because i wanted to share that moment of having a first child together. Im sorry this is going on rn when you should be focused on your pregnancy and joy of bringing your baby in this world.

that's a very judgemental short sighted advise. We don't know the ins and out of the story he might have not known the woman got pregnant. And this is her life you are telling to pack up. She has to to decide that for herself. Yes she has every right to be upset about the situation anybody would. But how she handles it and the outcome is completely and entirely her decision.

Also why now? Why is she bringing the child around now?

Honestly, if this happened to me it’d be grounds for me to leave. I’d rather be alone than scared of the lies happening again. If it happens once, it can happen again. Since he hid it so well from you for 4 years, there could be more from other women too. (If someone can hide that, they have the ability to hide much more

this is still my husband and quite frankly I think you are out of line. I believe that he didn’t know. I’m not saying he wasn’t wrong, but you don’t know what took place and how this child was conceived. You are making a whole lot of assumptions that you know nothing about. Thanks for taking the time, but I don’t really agree with your approach respectfully

There’s too many comments to reply to one by one but I do want to add something here. Thanks for the responses from everyone. I really do appreciate you taking the time.
For some context we were 3 months in and we were exclusive to my understanding. We never had a real conversation about it until we started talking about marriage. But I wasn’t sleeping with other people and I assumed he wasn’t either.
He was on the road a lot because of work, so we would spend like 12 days together and then he’d be gone a week for about 6 months. He got a new work assignment and then we moved into together. Everyone thought we were madly in love but also crazy 😂 which we were. During those times on the road is when this happened. It is betrayal and I am struggling. I don’t believe he’s been unfaithful during our marriage and he really and truly has been so supportive of me for the past 4 years. I don’t believe he knew he had a child because he would’ve wanted to be there. He’s hurt and so am I

I am hurt by the situation, about the fact that he wasn’t honest with me in the beginning, by the fact that our first baby is really just mine and that things may be rocky when it comes to parenting, plus the doubts. I can’t tell if I’m in denial or if I am seeing clearly. A friend of mine told me 3 months is nothing compared to 4 years and I shouldn’t throw my family away when he made a mistake before we were family with each other. I understand but it feels like I should do more than accept this. I’m so scrambled

I agree with your friend. Having that conversation about exclusivity is so important, otherwise it’s like you said: an assumption. It seems like ever since you guys started talking about and planning a marriage that he’s been faithful to you and he’s been a good husband to you for 4 years. Definitely don’t throw the whole marriage away, but you shouldn’t do nothing— I think you’ll both need therapy to be able to process, heal, and handle this in a healthy way. Individual and couples therapy will help you unscramble these feelings

I think therapy is definitely needed. Things are very uncomfortable right now

Incognito, the real thing you'll need to figure out is if you can get past it and it's probably best done in therapy. I know a lot of people say they'll leave but it's really a personal decision. I know I would have to end it for my mental health because I'd spend the rest of my life questioning what he was doing (in my own head) and worrying about it happening again. If he was away or late coming home, I know my brain would snap back to that and I'd torture myself. I wouldn't want to lose hours, days, and more to that anxiety. If you proceed, you'll need to get to a place where you can fully trust him to not drive yourself crazy and a professional is probably the best shot at getting there, you know?

@incognito I’m sorry love, it will get easier with time. As long as you both are committed to healing and healthy communication, it will work out and make your marriage even stronger ❤️

Did he straight up lie to you for 4 years or did he just find out about the kid, too?!! The answer is the game changer. If he just found out, then maybe it is worth it to work it out. If you can get past the cheating.

I wouldnt throw the whole relationship away but thats still a lot of healing to get through and i think maybe you should have someone to talk to like a therapist. Like i said before too its a lot including this random woman and now a four year old who is your husbands child. Its a hard blow tbh. And it may take a lot of time to heal from that.

he didn’t know

So he’s agreed we need therapy. The mother of his child says he “doesn’t need a relationship with him because he knows someone else as his dad. it’s just time he knows that he has a kid” like are you mad?

Based on your last comment it would be a good idea to get a dna test to actually confirm thats his child

Since the cheating/not cheating and therapy has been talked about, I want to bring up incognitos last comment. Y’all have to think about the child in question too. If it truly is your husbands child you’ll also need to think about how and if he or both of you want to be involved. If you want to stay separate from that child, your role in their life, and if the children are going to meet/see each other. This is going to affect that child and y’all’s child both. Yes it can get messy and you may not need to think about this until y’all sort your marriage out, but I wanted to mention it.