Am I a controlling bitch or being unreasonable?

You're not controlling. I understand where you're coming from. I was in a similar situation with my now husband. Part of my deal was he had to go to therapy to sort himself out. Up until last May when we lost our health insurance he went to therapy weekly for 4 years. It was amazing. He learned so much about himself and why he did/does what he did. I agree with you that his timing is an issue. I film content for my husband to watch later and it's been a God send for us. We have a shared Dropbox that we use to put dirty videos or pictures on so they won't be on his phone in case someone looks at his phone.

I'm sorry all of that it happening to you. It's very unfair.

Sounds like he has a sex or mastirbation addiction perhaps? Either way, I don’t think you’re being controlling . You are half of that relationship, and how you feel matters. However, given that he’s aware of how you’re feeling, and he still continues on with said things, it’s not really in your hands. It’s a shame he isn’t taking your feelings into consideration.

Why not just leave?

I have to be blunt here. This isn't going to work because he isn't sorry. If he was, he would be going above and beyond to make you comfortable because he fucked up. He would be going to therapy to sort out his thoughts. Cheating or not, it would be fucking weird and next-level sex addict shit to be jerking off as an adult at his house with his parents there, at their house, or in the next room while his kids are home, awake. Then he had the nerve to gaslight you.

Please stop struggling with your confidence and realize you're too good for this "man" and you've already put up with too much for him. It's not controlling to tell him to stop jerking off when you need help parenting and to stop getting off to other people when he had a fucking affair.

There are real men out there who don't act like this. You're not crazy.

there’s a lot of factors. 1: I need to know that if and when I walk away, I do so with no regrets. That I tried everything I could to repair it on my end. 2: I’m a full time sahm. I have never felt more whole than I do now being with and raising my kids. We have 0 family on this side of the country and I don’t trust daycares. So I’m home with them and if I walk away, that would have to change. 3: I’ve been with my husband (dating) for 10 years. Heck, I’ve Known him since I was 15 years old. He was my best friend. And I realized that I don’t know a life without him in it. So a part of me is terrified. I know a lot of it sounds like excuses. But they’re real for me. But I feel myself caring less and less. Which tells me I’m getting close to being done.

blunt is what I need. I don’t need coddling or someone to tell me I’m right. I need someone to tell me the truth 🩷

he said that him doing it when family is here is no different than us sneaking off for a quickly in his childhood bedroom at his parents house. And I had no idea how to respond to that.

thank you 🩷

oh I’m a pushover and he knows it. Always tells me to stand up for myself. So now that I am, he’s not liking it.

love the drop box idea! And I’m sorry you went through something similar. Do you mind me asking how yall are doing now?

I get it. It’s easier said than done.

I have yes. It was a non-negotiable for me when I found out. BUT he travels for work and we have been unable to find someone who can work with his unpredictable schedule so it’s been really hard. I feel like I keep hitting these walls no matter how hard I try to get help.

You're def right, 💯

You are absolutely reasonable, my bf and I went through almost the exact same thing for many months last year and he was livid. Ultimately porn hasn't been something I'm comfortable with in our relationship since and probably never will be and it was a huge fight between us for a while but eventually he started to put my feelings first. But I still have to keep a check

We're good. Married. Expecting our first child. He figured out what his issues were, why he was doing what he was doing, and how to stop it from happening again. My husband was (and still is to this day) super sorry for what he did and how it affected me. I stayed because he put the work in and showed me he was sorry and that he wanted to change for the better. That I feel is the core difference. When I told him what my problem was it was immediately rectified. He never once said I was controlling. If he tried to flip it on me and didn't work on himself I would have left. I threw him out of our house for about 3 weeks. It took a lot of work on my end as well. Gaining back my trust after breaking it is really difficult so sometimes my paranoia crops up and I simply tell him I'm getting a hinky feeling and then he asks what I need. I used to check his phone randomly when it was all very fresh. Now I just express my fears, paranoias, and insecurities and we deal with it head on.

You're not controlling at all, tell him to look after the kids while you sort your itch out see how he like it

thank you so much for sharing. I never hear about successs stories after infidelity or things similar (for obvious reasons) even though I know that some people are able to come out stronger from it.

Agreed

I know it will be hard to leave but you’ll figure it out because you deserve way better. You teach him how to treat you & you’re done with his bshit.

This is absolutely an issue

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here dear ...
The real deal here is THE CHEATING OR AFFAIR NOT THE TIMING OF HIS JERKING OFF !!!! How have y'all dealt with this?? Did he stop?? Is he apologetic?? Is he now suddenly jerking off more than before or he's always done it? Is it because he stopped the affair?? Idk .. you can't really tell someone what to do with their bodies ..he's right. However .. imo that is secondary to his cheating.