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Postpartum Depression + Anxiety

Feeling insecure - TW

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I’m struggling a little bit with how I’m feeling about something. For context, on top of my PPD and PPA I have BPD and was SA by a family member when I was a child. So a lot going on in my brain and second guessing if what i’m feeling is valid.

I am with my baby pretty much 24/7 because I don’t really have help available, and I’ll be honest, I prefer it this way. I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone in someone else’s care just yet. My partner and I have actually agreed we prefer it this way until she can effectively communicate her feelings and things that are going on around her.

The only people who help me sometimes is my mom and step dad (grandma and grandpa) when we visit, and as she’s getting older, I’ve been feeling like I want to be the one to handle diaper changes and bath time. Basically anything that involves her being undressed. And I’ve concluded that it’s because, along with being able to communicate effectively, I never want her to feel like she has to let someone see her naked just because she knows them. I never want her to be in a situation where she’s doing something she’s uncomfortable with because it’s *family member she’s known her whole life* I would like to teach her that she never has to let someone have access if she doesn’t feel comfortable with it.

I guess what i’m trying to confirm is if it’s normal or okay to feel this way/take this route or if i’m being helicopter parent and projecting my trauma onto her upbringing.

Because realistically she will be alone with these people, have sleepovers, etc. and I guess what i’m envisioning is that if i’m not there and it’s grandpas turn to do bath time and she’s not feeling it for WHATEVER reason, I want her to know she has options and can speak up and say “actually i’d like to do bath time with grandma” or “i don’t feel comfortable taking a bath here” and anyone who doesn’t respect what she’s saying or tries to force her into something is not someone she needs to be around and that she needs to tell me or dad.

I’m sorry if I’m all over the place, we haven’t been sleeping well either. I guess in short, I’d like to teach her to trust her gut and about consent and to create a safe, comfortable space for her to be open with me about anything before getting her used to others helping her with her body.

Thank you if you took the time to read this!