MIL's birthday

We are going with the kids to see MIL on her birthday. I am torn whether to get something, give her a card or just say happy birthday when I see her.
We barely have a relationship, my husband and I take the kids to see her, she avoids me, doesn't make eye contact. I noticed that this has happened mostly because I have started to stand up to her - she would be rude, passive -aggressive towards me, or speak Portuguese to my husband while I'm sat there not understanding.
My husband is a bit of a mama's boy, she still sends him (and his brothers) texts to complain about me and my husband ignores them because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
So if you were in my position with hurt feelings, mil denies doing wrong, and we don't have a relationship except to see the kids - would you do something for her birthday?

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Why wouldnt your husband be the one sorting his mothers gifts for her birthday? Normally you just get a gift and say its from you both as a family right?

Just say happy birthday. Don’t put more effort in than you receive.

My husband ignored his dad’s texts about me until I explained to him that it hurt me and I felt he agreed with his dad since he didn’t stand up to them. We ultimately went no contact because his dad didn’t think he was doing anything wrong 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Your husband ignores her to not hurt her feelings, why is he neglecting your feelings?

Send a text to a group chat and let your husband figure it out. You can't please some people. We drove several hours and spent hundreds of dollars to be with my mil on her birthday and then 4 months later (on my birthday) she didn't say happy birthday but asked what we got her for hers because she forgot 🤦‍♀️ if she won't be grateful, don't bother.

Exactly what I’m thinking. OP your feelings matter too so ignoring her is making her think it’s okay to continue bad mouthing you. He chose to be with you he needs to stick up for you

Thank you all for your responses.
My husband made a comment earlier today, I don't know whether he was joking, he said 'it's going to be my mum's birthday, are you baking a cake?' I was annoyed and just told him no, I'm not planning to bake.
After that, that's when I started thinking am I supposed to do something for her and that's when I came on here for advice.
Also, my mil has only wished me happy birthday once (been married 6 yrs), she never said congrats when i had our two kids..I was hurt the last time we visited her - she made a point to give my husband and daughter a birthday present (their birthday is one week apart) and gave something as well for our son and left me out. My husband and I had an argument about it, his response was that is wasn't my birthday.
My birthday is two days from mil - I wonder what he would say if she didn't get me anything.

it is very hurtful that my husband doesn't challenge his mum. I did see some texts from her, that I felt he should've said something back.
I've made sure to have conversations with him and let him know that whatever my mil says he needs to stand up for me.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that! In my opinion, it’s your husband’s mom, not your mom. Don’t feel pressured to do anything. Let him gift HIS mother something, dont go out of your way. I would also be annoyed if my husband asked if i were baking a cake or not for HIS mother. Like, I’m sorry does he make/gift your mother something on her birthday? If not, why would he expect you to do that?

It's on your husband to get his mother a birthday present from your family... surely?!

I will not get my MIL any gifts anymore.
My last gift for her was last year’s Mother’s Day for her 1st mother’s day as a grandma. She got me nothing and it was my first Mother’s Day… mind you, I am Dominican, so when I’m the states we celebrate Mother’s Day 2 in May. Your typical day and the last Sunday of the month (cause that day is our tradition) she purposely did not get me anything and I decided not to put an effort, not even to get a card 😊

She’s not relevant in my life tbh, her recognition is not important to me. I’ve had so many issues with my partner because of her, I used to put an effort but now idgaf and since I stopped putting that effort she’s been trying.
Don’t get me wrong I have manners so I would greet her, and be polite. I just make sure she knows I am being polite but I’m not interested in any kind of relationship with her.

These husbands are always like this, rarely when someone stands for what’s right than which relationship came first or is important. Tell your husband how you feel, I’m sure you probably have. But ignoring won’t make anything better.

It’s your husbands job to buy her gift if he wants, dnt even bother if she is ignorant of your presence.

My mil and I have had few heated arguments which my husband knows his mum provoked. It was hard for him to be in between and next day I said sorry to her even tho I knew she gaslighted the situation. I never bother saying sorry next time, I decided I won’t unless I genuinely think I was wrong. I don’t hesitate to accept my mistakes if I make one.

I’d let my husband worry about a gift. I’d probably just buy a card as a grandkids present.

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I've finally done it

I have finally done it. I have finally become the trope, the stereotype.

I have become bitter, resentful, and very overwhelmed and overloaded. I am very unhappy and hit burnout. And I snapped at my husband last night. I work full-time, and work has been very busy so im working late a lot. Im also in grad school. I also have a toddler that has become VERY clingy with me. My husband works shorter days but commutes, so he usually gets home after me by an hour or more. When he gets home, he usually heads to the restroom for at least 30 mins when he gets home. And now my toddler doesnt want anything to do with him. So im doing all the toddler duties until bed. I dont get 5 mins to myself. Not for almost 2 years. I finally hit my wall. I have also, somehow, become my MILs medical ride service and she somehow has an appt every week, it seems?! Shes not sick!! My husband was complaining that he needs to change routine to fit in a workout sometimes, and I lost it. I have been BEGGING for 5 mins to myself for months. I have been telling him how im not good, im going to burn out for months. And between his attitude and him complaining (which really got me b/c he blames me for not being able to work out?! Saying I need help when he gets home so he just cant workout now) I just lost it completely. I told him how unfair my life has become and I have the entire mental and emotional load and it is just not fair. He got mad at me and said "hes trying" when hes literally not trying at all. What do I do?? No one is taking the load from me! And im done and dont know what to do now.
I do not like this version of me.

AITA?

This isn't a major issue, just wondering if I'm being a bit of an asshole.

• I do shift work, 5 out of 7 days, full-time.
• My partner works from home (mostly, sometimes he goes into the office) M-F, full-time.

Anyway, whenever I have a day off during the week he gets in his feelings when I make myself food (breakfast and lunch) but not him. His reason is he's working, I'm not - Which is fair but I've asked him how many times on a weekend has he gotten up, on his day off and made me breakfast and a lunch to take with me to work? You guessed it, 0.

So basically, just because I'm at home I don't think the responsibility to feed him should automatically fall on me when he manages to feed himself just fine while I'm at work.

Big vent!

Hi mums.
I'm a first time mum in my 40s to twin boys.They are almost 5 months old and the biggest miracle in my life!
I am struggling!!!
I'm pretty sure I have ppa as my pregnancy was a very high risk and all I remember was crying from anxiety of all the ifs!Thankfully even born at 35 weeks and skinny,didn't need iu time.
My husband is not helping much because he's always too busy with work.He will "look" after them usually between 8pm-12am so I can have a chance to sleep.
He expects me to just sleep when I touch the pillow,even though I hear tje babies crying and him don't really bother because most of the times he'll be on his laptop working.
When I tell him I can't relax to fall asleep because I feel you r neglecting the babies,he says I'm the problem becauae I'm always there with them and don't give them alone time!!
I am angry!!I am furious!!
I can't keep.up.with housework becauae someone alwaya neess me and most of the times they nap I either cook and clean tje kitchen,do laundry or try and take a quick nap.
He doesn't help.around the house,becauae..guess what?always super busy.
I asked him nicely we could clean the house together every Saturday morning so it's easier and quicker for both of us and he said no,because he has a lot of work but probably wants to sleep until 12 or 2.
2 days ago a button of his coat ripped and I told him I'll sew it these days.
Earlier this morning while running late for his work,as always,he weara the coat and told him didn't get the chance to fix the button and sarcastically said..of.course u didn't!!!
I spent all night awake because one of the babies had congested nose and we've been trying to reduce one fees at night.
I wanted to punch him!!He left and I started crying...I cry so much,even at 5 months pp...
I can't go on like this anymoreeeee...
The crying in my ears is constant..my head is always numb..I've gained so much weight and can't find the strength to get back on track..
Even if I try to.find a therapist to just talk,is it gonna help?I really don't know😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Avoidant husband

I love my husband and he is a good man. We have some issues in our relationship however, as he has an avoidant attachment style (finds romance/intimacy/being emotional difficult). This comes from him having to be independent from a young age and having quite an abusive mother.
The issues in our relationship are mainly around a lack of sex and intimacy. I think the problem is that to feel turned on, I need to feel connected and wanted. My husband (being avoidant) will usually make jokes about being horny whereas I would want to have someone make me feel beautiful/sexy to get in the mood.
It sounds terrible but I've sometimes had dreams about exes that would make me feel this way, and the romance we had (eye contact, intensity, deep words). It makes me feel really guilty but I feel like i'm starved of that. My husband would like a lot more sex but I can't always force myself if I'm not feeling it.
We've spoken a bit about therapy but I know its often really expensive so we probably wouldn't be able to afford it. Do you have any suggestions please? I know that neither of us are wrong in what we want, just different but I'm scared about whether we can fix it or if we're doomed?