Reasonable expectations from partner

We’re similar to you, the balance of housework is fair, we don’t have specific set tasks or anything, it’s just always been (since we moved in together 8 years ago) that all jobs are for everyone. There’s just certain ones that become mainly mine or his because of what we prefer.

The main things I’ve struggled with since having my daughter is that things like cutting her nails or organising her clothes always seem to fall to me and if I forget to do those things I get mum guilt. So we had a few chats around, he needs to start noticing those things and doing them too, it isn’t just for me to do.

I’m now back to work 3 days and my husband works full time, often very long days (gas engineer apprentice), he normally cooks tea and we both get her bits ready for nursery or bottles washed etc at the same time.
Not sure if that’s helpful information at all!

that is incredibly helpful! I really like the idea of doing those basic things together (it's also time together for a bit of banter while doing something mundane). Encouraging your husband to notice those things and attend to them is also a great conversation to have. This is something that'd probably work for us since we both want to support each other but conversations can inadvertently become "who does more /who's more tired etc". This is a really great, practical and fair suggestion. Thank you so much!

In our house, I do most things- although not because I think that’s how it should be, but it’s because it’s how it’s always kind of been in our house, and despite many conversations about it, we just naturally always default back to me.

My other half works, quite long days- out the house for 12hrs, and I’m on maternity leave. He’s a great father and does look after our little girl well when he’s around, but he doesn’t do any of the household chores, or any of the organising baby things- a lot of it like you say is him just not noticing that things need doing, or not thinking ahead about what might need to be done.

He is getting better and will cook a a few times a week, and he will do tasks if I ask him to, but often I get annoyed that I have to ask him, so just do it myself. Plus I’m a little bit of a control freak so sometimes would rather do myself than feel I have to hand-hold him through basic tasks! X

I ran out of space!

Like I said at the beginning, we don’t do this because it’s how I think it should be, it’s because it’s how I’ve allowed it to be for our whole relationship! Having said that, I do feel that while I’m at home on maternity leave, it is natural that more of the jobs will fall to me, as although looking after our little girl is a full time job in itself, I am at home more, so little jobs like washing and pottering round can be done a lot easier for me xx

so relatable! I don't want to be gendered about this (cos I'm sure lots of men are more particular than their partners) but it's funny how they just don't notice things. It's barely an issue before you become parents, but definitely becomes more noticeable when you're both tired and busy. Things just build up so quickly!!

I think it depends on the age of baby. My husband worked in a mothers and babies psych unit before he met me and was therefore incredibly motivated to avoid post partum mental health issues.

My LO is nearly 3 months and since pregnancy, my husband has been doing all laundry, all grocery shopping, all life admin (booking appointments, car MOTs etc). I did some batch cooking to prepare our freezer for a few months of meals.

After she was born, my husband did all milk admin (bottle and pump sterilising, storage etc) and in the beginning he would take her for 6-8 hours every evening to let me get a good chunk of sleep. He still definitely carries the mental load - he books the doctor appointments, got nursery place booked etc.

We tend to share the tasks of soothing her and doing nappies. I’d say I probably do a bit more of the developmental stuff and things like nail cutting, hair washing, nail cutting etc. I will pick up more chores once feeding gets easier!

Just to add - I am super grateful to have such a helpful partner but his mum thinks he’s extraordinary and that he goes overboard with it… I think it’s a generational thing because his friends are all very similar, stepping up to the role of Dad and really pulling their weight.

I just hope this becomes the new normal for most families because I am so angry on behalf of all the poor mums who essentially have to deal with a newborn baby AND a useless man-child (not saying your partner sounds that bad, just seeing a lot of posts about dads playing on their PCs or watching iPads rather than doing their bit!)

The latest episode of Emily Oster’s Parent Data podcast is about the “invisible work” that usually falls on women in a relationship, definitely recommend having a listen (with your partner if possible!)

My partner is a really liberal 'modern' guy.

However, with maternity leave we have fallen into traditional gender roles massively and it regularly upsets me.

We share chores. He does most of the cooking now but will forget to prep baby's version without me narrating.

I find, book and do all the baby activities, plan and buy all the things she needs, e.g., cot, weaning, sleep bags etc.

He took her to weekend swim for 6 weeks, but it was too much time taken up and too stressful. He is trying to do our house renovations at weekends which means I have her most of the time day/night 7 days a week.

He is working FT and stays away from home for work 1 night per week. I'm Mat leave, but the bigger earner and in a leadership position, so I'm doing a substantial amount of work organising a project launch for my return.

I'm also doing 100% of the planning for our wedding.

We both feel extremely overwhelmed, it's just my threshold for overwhelmed is much higher and my priority is always baby.

This is what I’ve been struggling with the most. I feel like so much falls on me. He loves being a dad and is amazing with our son but all the invisible workload falls on me. He works full time and owns a business so he works long hours and I’m on maternity leave. He used to cook but he’s been so busy, we now order from ready made healthy food. He generally takes care of all finances, fixes wtv is broken, buys all the big grocery and household items. He gives me time off as soon as he gets home but I recently joined a mom’s fitness program and it’s 3x a week. It just started and this week I told him what time baby needed to go to bed (he’s almost 5 months and I’ve been on a strict sleep schedule with him). I walk in and he’s playing video games with his friend, baby is crying and fussy next to him. It’s 15 mins past the time he should’ve been in bed and he hadn’t even been fed his last meal. I was absolutely LIVID. He felt absolutely terrible and profusely apologized. TBC…

He said he just lost track of time. Promised to never do it again. Last night was my second night, I come home… apparently baby was so fussy, he couldn’t get him to sleep. Didn’t know what to do etc… so he basically leave him with me. I shower, then rock him to sleep and put him down. He was totally fine with me. I just think he gives up so easily and isn’t patient enough. So not only did baby go to bed late, it still fell on me to do the work. I told him I think we should see a councillor but he wants to try to figure it out ourselves first. We’ve been together 10 years and have had an incredible relationship/marriage. He’s very good with communication and generally before baby, I felt like he did everything. He’s basically in charge of the food so cooking, grocery shopping and household stuff always fell on him. He always took care of me in every way, my contribution was laundry, dishes and cleaning the house. But since baby, feels like everything falls on me now. 🤦‍♀️

this is so lovely to hear! It's also possibly because of the type of man he is - working in a mothers and bubs psych unit takes a pretty caring and compassionate person. You've done well 😂

I'm lucky enough to not have a man-child, despite working in a typically macho trade (construction). I really feel for the mothers who have to pick up all the slack.

After posting this yesterday I've had some really great conversations with my partner and hopeful that we'll keep navigating through this with open communication.

Really glad to hear your mental health has been prioritised too during this challenging adjustment period x